10 Buttons I Wish I Had, Just Like Trump’s “Cola Delivery” Button

This past week Esquire wrote a blistering and revealing investigative piece in which they outed Adolf Hitler Donald Trump as a sadistic, genocidal, bigoted, authoritarian monster who has a special button he presses when he wants a butler to deliver a Coke to him.

He’s basically Pol Pot with a combover.

Esquire seems to think this is shocking news, but I call it livin’ the dream. Let’s leave aside the fact that Donald Trump is the leader of the free world and obviously can’t stop in the middle of international meetings to get up and go get himself a beverage. Who among us would not avail ourselves of that same privilege if we had it?

I, for one believe we need more “butler buttons” in America, not fewer. Upon reading this scathing expose in Esquire I immediately began thinking of all the types of buttons I wish I had in my own life. Here is my list of Top Ten Buttons I’d like to have, because here at Redstate we are committed to serious and thoughtful political analysis and reporting – just like our compatriots on the left.

#10. Oh, 100% a Coke button – If I could have a nice cold Coke delivered to me at the whim of my thirst and tastebuds you better believe that thing would be one of my most prized possessions. In fact, I’m wondering right now if there’s some kind of way to make my kids be my Coke butlers. It would mean missing a lot of school and social activities, but is that so bad? In the name of Coca Cola?

#9. Laundry Button – Give me a button to press that signals it’s time to take the load out of the washer and switch it to the dryer before the stench of neglect sets into the damp, sad pile in the machine and forces me to run it through yet another cycle before drying. The luxury version of this button includes folding.

#8. Popcorn Button – I love popcorn. Bring me popcorn. This button will be used frequently in conjunction with my Coke button.

#7. Change the Trash Bag Button – I heard it said recently that marriage is just one long contest of pushing down the overstuffed trash can until the other person is finally forced to change it. A Trash Button would be a game-changer for my marriage.

#6. Puppy/Baby Animal Button – When I feel sad or stressed I will push this button my butler will appear with an adorable, tiny soft puppy, baby otter or miniature goat. I will pet it and play with it and make kissy noises and then it will go back to wherever so it can grow up into a decidedly less cute mature animal that I won’t ever have to train or deal with. Non-fowl, of course. I hate birds. They are God’s only mistake.

#5. Sock Button – There are never any damn pairs of socks in this house. I bought 30 pair of socks in the last few months for me and my daughter. We currently have 4 pair between us. Where do they go? What do they do? Is there some ‘Stranger Things’-type upside-down dimension where socks hang out with spoons and tupperware lids? Oh to be able to have a butler deliver a pair of socks at the push of a button, when everyone is frantically trying to race out the door in time for school and work in the morning.

#4. Reading Glasses Button – I own approximately 17 pairs of reading glasses. I need about 38 more. They’re never where I want them, when I want them. I am constantly hunting for glasses. I swear the people who make aspirin bottles have some nefarious partnership with reading glasses manufacturers. They make that print as small as possible so anyone over 35 needs to buy glasses to read them.

#3. Gordon Ramsay Button – When I push this button, cantankerous celebrity chef and tv personality Gordon Ramsay will appear and he will scream at me and berate me for my laziness and lack of creativity. Whenever I need to be shamed into completing a task Chef Ramsay will be my motivation. Then he’ll cook me something yummy to eat, which will prompt me to use the Coke button again. The Coke button is extremely useful and versatile.

#2. A Stenographer Button – This will be extremely handy in arguments with my husband. I’ll simply summon the stenographer to record every word so I can destroy his obviously wrong points and arguments in the future should similar topics arise.

#1. Scotch Button – The Holy Grail. Sometimes I would just let the butler pour it directly into my mouth as I work and socialize. This button would probably get the most use. This button is my American Dream.

What buttons would you commission if you had the chance?….you fascists.

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