The State of the Union was Amazing or Terrifying (According to Facebook)

Say you write for an online political magazine, but you work at night, and you didn’t see the State of the Union Address. Where do you get your hot takes? How do you take the pulse of America?

Why, from Facebook, of course. Your Aunt Gladys and that one chick you smoked cloves with in high school are the absolute heart and soul of America, to say nothing of your European pals from your early internet days. You spent hours talking about English New Wave bands with them in your twenties, but now you have the honor of reading their opinions on how your country is run. Facebook is magical.

Behold: a blow by blow analysis of President Donald Trump’s #SOTU as reported by Everybody You Know on Facebook.

Trump is strong and amazing right out of the gate. Wait, no —his racist, misogynist face ought to make you sick. Katie from your old Girl Scout troop needed a barf bag, but your Log Cabin realtor thinks Paul Ryan looks, and I quote, “Particularly yummy.”

Trump is either on point about immigration and Dreamers, or he is an actual Nazi. He may even be Hitler reincarnate. In fact, he probably is, according to that girl from your old job’s ouija board.

Everybody pretty much agrees that Mattis is over everyone’s nonsense.

By now, the guy you dated when you were going through your British guitar noise band phase has declared that he’s too much of a feminist to listen to any more “hate,” but he hasn’t explained what the hate is.

Meanwhile, your Uncle Trevor appears to believe that Trump is going to personally escort terrorists to Gitmo, and that it’s “high time somebody manned up, unlike that Obummer.”

Now Whisper Crystalshine has posted that she misses her president, but you’ve already learned it’s best not to point out Obama’s various immigration foibles on her wall.

Here’s something about low black unemployment and trade and the stock market from the people who are paying attention to stuff like that. Most of them are political bloggers who keep spreadsheets of such things in their phones.

The guy who was in your trig class in college posted a link to a tweet by a celebrity who has never watched anything but MSNBC. The woman who taught your daughter how to ride a horse posted a link to a tweet by a celebrity who has never watched anything but Fox. Both tweets fail to give any indication of anything Trump actually said.

Your Portuguese friend who likes “Supernatural” as much as you do has declared that “Trump will ending the world, what farce, I can’t believe the things” — at least according to the Translate function.

It seems the president is for sure getting impeached. Maybe Hillary Clinton is going to jail. It gets kind of up in the air around this point in everyone’s viewing. You suspect booze is involved.

Your grandpa just accidentally posted on your latest cat picture, “Trump is good. Are you seeing this or are you at that job, sweetie? You shouldn’t walk to your car alone this time of night. Did you get your concealed carry permit yet?”

Someone you barely know from Pilates (and had to immediately block) responded to your grandpa in all caps “SHE WOULDN’T HAVE TO FEAR THE #*@&ING DARK IF TRUMP DIDN’T PROMOTE RAPE CULTURE.”

And then either the spawn of Satan from a murderous, womanizing dynasty OR the next great white hope of loving, compassionate, thinking people everywhere gave the Democrat’s response.

There. Now you don’t have to read it. Also, try not to be depressed about how unreasonable and irrational everyone you know is — online.

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