Santa versus the Bureaucrats

Children around the world are being extra-good this week, hoping there is still time to make Santa’s nice list. According to Dr. Merrill Mathews, writing at Rare Liberty, these children should be glad that Santa’s workshop is not in the United States:

Let’s start with the labor issues. You gotta know the elves are working night and day to get the toys ready for all the good little girls and boys. Is Santa paying them a “living wage,” defined today as $15.00 an hour? He apparently gives all his toys away, so it’s hard to argue that he’s profiteering off his elves. And could he afford to provide the elves with Obamacare? I’m guessing no, since so many stateside businesses are struggling under its rapidly escalating costs. Being at the North Pole, Santa can choose from a number of more affordable options—options that we in the states used to have until Obama outlawed them. Next, have you noticed in pictures and commercials that few if any of the elves appear to be female? Now, it may be that the elf population is disproportionately male. It may also be that female elves don’t want to work in a place as cold as the North Pole (I know my non-elf wife wouldn’t). No matter. The Obama administration has made it abundantly clear: an absence of intentional discrimination is no defense against an overzealous bureaucracy looking to sue employers. If the gender or racial mix doesn’t suit the Obama bean counters, it’s considered blatant discrimination. Thus, if Santa were based in the U.S., he would have to pull money from his toy-making operation—already depleted by having to pay for Obama’s outrageously expensive health insurance—to defend himself against frivolous Obama administration charges.

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Besides, does Santa’s sleigh have an approved seatbelt? Does it have front and side airbags? We know the sleigh has a light in front—Rudolph’s nose—but does it have the proper lighting for an airborne vehicle? On the plus side, reindeer probably have a lower carbon footprint than the private jets Al Gore likes to travel in. And if he actually lived in the U.S., Santa might get one of those $7,500 tax credits for choosing a vehicle with minimal carbon emissions. Finally, there’s the issue of, um, Santa’s size. Both Santa and Mrs. Claus are full figured. That doesn’t make any difference at the North Pole—nor in most other places—but it seems to bother the U.S. food nannies. Former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg can’t impose a sugary soft drink tax on the Clauses at the North Pole, but he might try to stick Santa with that tax if he buys something to drink in the U.S. on Christmas Eve.

Read the whole thing here. Campaign for Liberty is working to protect Santa, and all small business, from overzealous politicians and bureaucrats. Please support our efforts, and enjoy the holidays!