Communicating Thoughts and Feelings 101

It is the province of knowledge to speak and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

Isn’t wisdom so much easier to find with a stranger? When we try to communicate with our family or our partner, however, things can get tricky.  Human communication may seem like a very simple process.  We do it all the time.  In reality, though, it’s a very complicated process, and how we go about communicating our thoughts and feelings to one another can have far reaching effects in our personal, occupational, and social wellness. So you’ve been working on communication skills since the age of one and you still aren’t being heard? Alas, communication is something that can use continual work, and often tactics change in different relationships. Understanding the process of communication can help us to better understand one another, better communicate our own thoughts and feelings, and help us untangle conversations when it’s become apparent that one or both parties have lost their way.

There are five stages, or processes, happening when people are communicating; intake, interpretation, assigning significance, acceptance, and response.  It is possible for a problem in one area to affect how the rest of the process is performed, leading to confusion and misunderstanding.  Staying mindful of all that is going on during a conversation and being aware of these steps can save a lot of time and hurt feelings as well as move those involved closer to an understanding, which is the whole point of communication.

-Intake.  The first step is intake.  During intake, you become aware of what is being said.  You also take in clues that will help you later in determining meaning such as body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, and environmental factors.  This is an active process, both consciously and subconsciously.  As we take in what is being communicated, we discern what we will absorb and what we will disregard.  We select what we think is going to be the important information.  All of the incoming information is filtered through our own desires, designs, thoughts and feelings.  In essence, it is very possible to hear what we want to hear.  It is also possible for us to mishear information, mix the words up, and confuse the situation even in this first stage.  Remember to ask for clarification along the way to make sure you’re taking it all in correctly.

-Meaning.  Once we’ve taken in the information being conveyed, we try to discern the meaning of what’s been said.  We do this by scrutinizing the information we’ve been given against our own past experiences.  Rarely, if ever, does anybody ever provide every single bit of information necessary for us to figure out what is going on.  They assume that we are using similar definitions for words or understand the basics on the subject at hand.  This means that we must fill in the blank spaces in the information presented with our own understanding.  Sometimes this can cause trouble.  For instance, if each person involved understands the meaning of a word that is being used differently but this is never discussed, it could lead to some serious misunderstandings.

If we understand the meaning of what’s being said, we then apply some significance to the information.  We decide if this information makes us upset, angry, happy, sad, or interested, and to what degree we will feel these emotions.   What we feel in relation to the information being communicated is based on how we feel about the person saying it, our past similar experiences and how they turned out, our values, goals, and current related situations.  Before reacting to what is being said, consider all the filters that might determine the significance that you assign to the information.  These filters cause prejudice and judgment to cloud your ability to comprehend the information for what it is.

-Acceptance.  Now you determine your level of acceptance of the significance that you’ve assigned to the information.  Acceptance doesn’t mean determining whether or not the feeling is pleasant.  Instead, it mean determining whether or not it is okay to feel that specific emotion in relation to the event.  If someone was raised to believe that it isn’t okay to be angry with authority figures, it would be hard for that person to accept a feeling of anger over something their boss said.  This step will help determine how we respond.  If we can’t accept the feeling that we’re having, we’re likely to respond by being ambiguous or indirect.

-Respond.  After we’ve taken in the information, determined the meaning, and applied significance, we respond.  We run everything we’ve heard and seen through our filters and decide what we would like to communicate in return.  Our response is based on our goals, level of acceptance of our own feelings, and what we’ve been taught is appropriate in such situations.  Throughout our lives we’re taught and shown what is considered appropriate behavior in certain situations, and our responses generally reflect our desire to be polite, considerate, and normal.  There are cultural norms to consider such as, “Don’t talk to strangers.”  As we age, we begin to test these filters in different situations.  “Don’t talk to strangers,” was meant to protect us when we were 6 years old, but as adults it is perfectly acceptable to answer a person we don’t know when they ask for the time.  Our filters might be based in black-and-white assumptions in our subconscious, but our conscious mind has the ability to weigh them and see if they hold water.

Healthy communication skills can be difficult to develop after years of using unhealthy relating patterns.  Interpersonal difficulties are defined by self-defeating and self-destructive patterns of behavior between two or more people.  When it comes to relationships, establishing healthy modes of communication is the responsibility of both people.  If you notice any of these issues in your communicating style, you need to take steps to do it differently, whether or not the other person changes.

-Games.  Hidden messages are the signals you send with your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.  When you’re saying something that you don’t mean, your hidden messages will often reveal the discrepancy.  For example, your friend asks you to do them a favor.  You don’t really want to, but you say, “Sure.  I’d love to baby sit for you.”  Odds are, your displeasure at the thought of a night spent baby sitting will show through a flippant or sarcastic tone of voice or a roll of the eyes.  When you communicate repeatedly this way, people will lose trust in you because they will sense your dishonesty, and you will feel like you are being an imposter.

-Being the boss or playing “poor me.”  Often in a relationship, one person will take on the position of victim.  They will repeatedly allow the other person to treat them badly or tell them what to do, then turn around and complain to anyone else who will listen.  On the other hand, some people habitually decide that they need to be the one with all the power in the relationship and seek out those who play the victim role in order to make this possible.  If you’re acting as victim or boss, you’re stuck in an unhealthy communication loop.

-Attention seeking.  When you’re feeling the need for some attention, you might abandon healthier communication patterns and misbehave in an effort to get recognition.  The healthiest thing to do would be to express your feelings by saying, “I’m feeling ignored/unheard/unloved,” but this is often difficult to say in the moment.  Acting up instead only causes more confusion and misunderstanding, though.  When you’re feeling needy, slow down and look for more mature and straight-forward way to get the attention you seek.

-You poke me, I’ll poke you back.  When someone else comes at you with an accusation, insult, or rude comment, your first reaction will probably be to shoot back with an equally painful accusation, insult, or rude comment.  This only escalates the problem.  In a moment of anger, your friend or partner says, “I hate your cooking!”  You respond with, “Yeah?  Well your shirt is ugly!”  This exchange isn’t communicating anything of value; it is simply an attempt to get even.  If you and another person are having difficulties and this person decides to throw an angry comment your way, don’t fight back.  Instead, walk away or communicate calmly how their statement made you feel.  This will help keep the conversation from blowing up into a screaming fight

-Idealization-Disillusionment-Vilification Syndrome.  It’s easy to get stuck in this pattern of relating.  When the relationship begins, you put the person on a pedestal.  Everything they do and say is perfect.  Then, you become disillusioned through a series of misunderstandings and miscommunications.  Eventually, the person whom you once idealized becomes vilified.  You think that they aren’t the person you originally loved so much.  The problem here is that no one is perfect, no matter how wonderful they seem in the beginning.  When you become attached to the idea that people will be perfect, you won’t be able to get beyond the natural relationship problems that are bound to happen between two people because you will expect these problems not to occur.  When they do, you won’t want to talk about them because you will simply see them as a sign that it wasn’t “meant to be.”  Don’t get stuck in expecting too much from those that you love.

As you can see, there is plenty of opportunity for confusion along the way.  With each person and their individual filters, thoughts, feelings, and rules of interaction, it’s important to try to be as clear as possible both when listening and speaking.  Pay attention to conflicting messages and ask for clarification.  Be aware of your own responses and check them for any ambiguities that might cause misunderstanding.  Be as clear and direct as possible.  If you start to notice the conversation going around in circles without reaching a resolution, retrace your steps through these stages and see where the misunderstanding might lie.  Don’t be afraid to ask questions, and try not to make assumptions about things you haven’t clarified.  Proper communication is the key to making relationships, both professional and personal, much easier and productive, not to mention enjoyable.

Possible Roadblocks

Communicating your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way can be one of the most difficult things in a relationship.  You’re probably thinking:

“I see myself using those unhealthy relationship patterns.  I don’t know what can be done about that.”

“I’m scared that if I try to share my real feelings with someone, they will hurt me.”

“What do I do if I try to express myself, but the other person is still using their unhealthy communication patterns?”

If you see yourself using those unhealthy communication patterns, the best thing to do is something different. Seems straightforward, right?  It will probably be uncomfortable at first.  The more you practice a new way of doing things, though, the more comfortable you’ll become at doing it that way.  Next time you realize that you’re using the old patterns, redirect yourself.  Think of a way to incorporate communication that is open, honest, and free from those negative patterns.  Always remember, it’s not a hopeless situation.  Every moment is a chance to change.

Sharing your feelings openly and honestly can be disconcerting.  The real fear here is the fear of rejection.  In your imagination, you show the other person what you’re really thinking and feeling, and they either use it against you or leave.  If you never open up and communicate freely what is really going on with you, then you can’t be hurt because you were never yourself to begin with.  The problem with this way of thinking is that it automatically sets up misunderstandings between you and those around you.  You might think that you’re protecting yourself, but you also make it impossible to have intimate relationships in the process.  Intimacy is all about really getting to know someone and letting them get to know you.  Take a chance and let someone in.  The reality is that they’ll probably love you all the more for being so straightforward and open, being yourself and allowing them to be themselves at the same time.  When you can communicate yourself to others, there is no fear of rejection because you’re already accepting yourself, and, once you can accept yourself, you no longer need to worry about what others will think.

You have no control over the thoughts, feelings, or actions of others.  If you make attempts at healthier communication, but those around you are still playing games, seeking attention, or playing the victim, there’s nothing that you can do to change this.  You always have the power to make decisions about your own behavior, though.  Even if they don’t follow suit immediately, the changes that you make now will most likely filter out to your friends, family, and partner eventually.  If you see it as important and feel comfortable doing so, you can discuss communication patterns with your loved ones.  If you decide to do this, though, make sure you don’t approach them in an accusatory or bossy way.  Simply let them know that you’re going to be trying a different approach to communication, and give them the details about your new way of thinking.  Whether or not they do the same, you can rest easy with the knowledge that you have the power to do something different.

Action Items

Break down the process.  This action item is broken into stages.  Each stage focuses on a specific phase in the communication process.  As you concentrate on each phase, think about what is happening both inside of you and between you and the other person as you communicate.

Intake.  For one day, focus on the process of intake.  As you go throughout the day, interacting with different people in various settings, notice what is going on as you attempt to take in the information.  What are you thinking about as you listen to everyone?  Do you notice their body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions?  How do these factors affect your understanding of what is being conveyed?  Are you paying close attention to them, or are you spending this time coming up with your response to what is being said?  At the end of the day, journal about any revelations you had pertaining to your listening style and your personal process of intake.

Meaning.  Once you’ve taken some time to consider the process of intake, you can spend a day observing meaning in your conversations.  The next day, concentrate on how you infer meaning in the messages you’re receiving.  Are you prone towards certain ways of thinking that deeply affect what you believe the other person is saying?  Do you tend to make automatic judgments about what is being said based directly or even indirectly on past experiences?  What kinds of thoughts and attitudes do you tend to have in response to what the other person is saying?  At the end of this day, journal about what you’ve learned about your own patterns of determining meaning.

Acceptance.  This phase will show you how you interact with your own feelings towards what you’ve heard and the meaning you’ve inferred.  On this day, focus on your emotions in response to your thoughts about what is being said by those with whom you interact.  Are you prone to shrug-off your emotions as being wrong or bad?  Do you tend to allow your emotions to build up and get blown out of proportion?  Do you give your emotions credit and listen to what they are telling you, or do you see them as a nuisance that only get in the way of making a reasoned decision?  Journal about your level of acceptance towards your emotions at the end of this day.

Respond.  Today you will observe your responses to those around you.  Are you open, honest, and willing to share your thoughts and feelings?  Do you play games or send mixed messages?  Do you tend to clam up when confronted with conflict, or do you explode in anger?  Don’t just take stock of how you respond outwardly.  Pay attention to your inward response as well, and notice if your behavior is in keeping with your feelings.  What kind of body language do you use to convey extra meaning?  How does your tone of voice play into what you are trying to say?  Journal about your observances and what you’ve learned about yourself at the end of this day.

Once you’ve spent a few days observing each of the communication phases and your own personal communication habits, what have you learned about yourself?  Do you see any of the unhealthy patterns?  Can you see where there might be some misunderstanding and miscommunication occurring?  What steps could you take to make the process more productive and positive?  Journal about your overall experience and what your observations have shown you about communication.

Practice.  If you’ve noticed that you have a tendency to engage in the unhealthy communication patterns, consider ways of doing it differently.  Which specific unhealthy patterns would you like to break?  What specific things could you do to become a better listener?  What steps could you take to become more open and willing to share?  How might your past experiences be affecting how you communicate, and what could you do to get a more objective view of situations?  Decide on a plan of action for better communication, and resolve to practice this plan in your relationships.  If you feel uncomfortable, select a specific person with whom you have a very close, trusting relationship, and practice your communication skills with them for a while until you feel more secure.  Remember, new habits don’t form overnight, so recognize your progress while still striving to get better.

Communicating our thoughts and feelings is the backbone of healthy relationships.  When we feel misunderstood, we begin to also feel lonely, even in a crowd of our closest friends.  If we each make an effort to listen to the other person while simultaneously resolving to be more forthright and honest about our own thoughts and feelings, though, relationships bloom into something supportive, deep, and meaningful.  Open communication doesn’t mean that there will never be problems, but it allows those involved to work through the problems and find resolution.  Healthy communication allows everyone to be themselves, and that’s the goal of any healthy relationship.

Author’s Bio:

The 123 Feel Better® Life Change System™ is a wellness program designed to help individuals reach their wellness goals and live fuller, more complete lives. 123 Feel Better is based on the 7 Aspects of Wellness™ model. Learn how to make real changes in the areas of Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Environmental, Occupational, Social, and Intellectual Wellness to create a balanced life with 123 Feel Better and our free wellness resources at 123 Feel Better.