The Hard Part

I wish I could snap out of this depression. It’s getting worse and worse….some days I feel great for about 4 hours and then in one moment this sick feeling overtakes me. If I had a way to get medication and counseling I would, but I can’t. That’s a terrible feeling…knowing what’s wrong – that you need help and being unable to get it. Even though it’s not my fault i still feel like a failure because of it….because of the situation that’s causing it.

I’ve been looking through blog posts from 2009 and early 2010…even posts from six months ago seem lost in the wind. I don’t recognize that family. I look at those pictures and read those words and wonder to myself where did that woman and her family go? I wonder if she’ll/they’ll ever be back.
Some days I wake up ready for the day to end, bedtime to come so I can sit in the dark and quiet by myself. Some days I dread the dark and quiet of the night and stay up as long as I can so I don’t have to sleep….when I go to sleep I dream. I wake up from that dream to my reality and wish it away. It’s not going away. It’s not in my control.

I know that part of it is that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain….I’m broke. The other part is that the depression is brought on by situations. I’m working with what I’ve got, but some days I desperately cry and pray for more to work with. I put on the happy face for my kids because that’s what mothers do. We’re strong for ourselves and strong for our children, even and most especially when we don’t feel like it. Fake it til you make it….where is that make it part and why is it taking so long to get here!?

Christmas is the hardest holiday for me and has been since I was a child. I’ll power through it like I have every year. I’ve limited my social networking because seeing all the real Christmas cheer is too much for me to handle right now. Some of it is jealousy, coveting even though I know it’s wrong…then I think of how nice it must be for the family to have that. That unity. That stability. That happiness. And I wonder what I’ve done or didn’t do to deserve this. My kids certainly don’t deserve it.

I’ve always fiercely protected my kids Christmas and will do so even more this year. Tell my kids Santa isn’t real? I will dropkick you in your throat and keep on walking.

People often comment on how happy my kids always look. They are happy but there are certain things they would love to have if you ask them. Most of the time they’ll tell you without your asking. You know how kids are with honesty…they serve it up like a spoonful of sugar.They tell me almost every single day…. mom, we want to have a family home again like we did in our old neighborhood. All I can say is ‘I know’ Samuel asks to go home. He doesn’t understand. I’m trying to understand why we lost our home in the charming historic district. I can’t look at pictures from just a few months ago….it’s too painful. I don’t want to remember those memories. They don’t seem real.I try not to think about how nice it would be if we could go for walks in that neighborhood again. It’s not fair that we have to sleep on my parents couches. It’s not fair that in the beginning I sat up until 4am with Kiah while she cried for her dad. He’s not far….about 30-45mins away, but for a 7yr old that’s too far. Ava wants to know if I watch those house shows on tv because I’m looking for our new family home. My heart breaks repeatedly, but they don’t know it and at this young age they never will.

This is one of the hard parts of life that no one talks about.
I’m so tired of waking up every single day and thinking this is my life and not this is my life!