Skinny Baby
Since having my very first baby, I daydreamed of nursing him. I was going to have a little guy that depended on me for nourishment and health. I was going to be the perfect nursing mama. And we were going to bond and be super close and cuddly. But when they put little Sam in my arms, he refused to nurse. Just turned his head away and screamed. He didn’t want me to hold him, he just wanted to be left alone. It broke my heart in a million pieces. He was in the NICU for a couple weeks with pneumonia and jaundice and had to have a feeding tube. And I would go in every couple hours and we would try to nurse him as well. I had doctors, nurses, and lactation specialists swarming around me telling me what to do, what I was doing wrong, how to fix things, and nothing worked. I felt like a total mom failure. Nursing mom’s would tell me that there was no excuse for not breastfeeding when they would see me feed Sam with a bottle of formula. I would hide in bathroom stalls to feed him out in public to hide from the criticism I would receive and to cover up the shame I felt for letting my baby down. There was no explanation I could give the zealous nursers that was good enough reason for “poisoning” my child with formula. So naturally, I cried… a lot.
We went in for our 2 month appointment today, and I was right. He wasn’t getting enough from me. No matter that I did and ate everything right, my body just isn’t cutting it. Joseph was 8 lbs at birth, he lost a pound with the jaundice, and today he is only 8 lbs 6 oz. Not even on the growth chart! I cried. I felt like the worst mom in the world. For not supplementing when I should have, and then for not producing enough to feed my baby properly. What a loser. And not just a one time failure… or a two time… a FOUR TIME breast feeding failure.
So tomorrow, I have to take him in to see a specialist… again. They are probably going to tell me the same stuff I have heard before… give me the same advice I always get… and I hesitate to even write this post because I KNOW there are a bunch of well meaning readers out there that would love to give me their two cents… which, I know I have already heard a hundred times before. So I am going to help you out, what I really want to hear from my friends is “That sucks!” or “I understand” or “Hurting for you…” I don’t need advice, I need hugs and listening ears. And one day when you need the same, I will return the favor.
Now that my pity party and rant are over, I want to point out a few silver linings. The most important thing is NOT the way I feed my baby, but it’s that I do… and I do it the best I can for his optimal health. I love my boys, and I wouldn’t do or not do anything that would hurt them, ever. I’m not a perfect mom, but I feel that I work hard to be the best that I am capable. My boys well-being is the number one important thing, and I will do what I can to fulfill my mommy role and raise these boys to be healthy and strong men, mentally, physically, and emotionally. It may not always go how I plan, but we get there in the end… eventually.
-Cat
Source: http://nutsinanutshell.blogspot.com/2015/01/skinny-baby.html
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