Man wins penis eating contest

Baked donkey penis proudly presented on a bed of crisp lettuce.

Most everyone has heard of food eating contests: hot dogs, pizzas, hamburgers, even slightly oddball things like buffalo wings or hot peppers.

Over in Asia they have eating contests too. In Japan for instance, they like to see who can eat the most live scorpions. Of course the arachnids have had their poison sacs and stingers removed for the diners’ convenience. (Somehow, doesn’t seem quite sporting, though.) And the creatures are served partly embedded in a scrumptious layer cake with thick white frosting. Yum!

Cambodians shy away from live scorpions. They think the Japanese are crazy for eating those awful things. Besides, they much prefer having contests to see who can eat the most deep-fried treats. Oh, did I forget to mention what is deep-fried?

Tarantulas.

That’s right, huge hairy spiders, legs and all are deep-fried to perfection. Supposedly the grotesque spiders are delicious and have a warm creamy filling inside that makes a nice counterpart to the crisp outer shell.

Sounds kind of like Oreos…not.

Nowadays, a significant number of Westerners have heard about the live scorpion and crispy spider-eating contests, but many haven’t heard of the penis-eating contest…unless you happen to live in China.

Yak penises are popular with Chinese businessmen

Chinese will “eat almost anything”

A country with more than 1.3 billion people has to eat something right? In China, they’ll eat almost anything. A well-known Chinese saying sounds like a joke, but it really isn’t: “Chinese eat anything with four legs, except tables. And everything that flies, except airplanes.”

Is it really that surprising in a country that smacks its collective lips over roasted cat and grilled dog that it also salivates over amputated penises served up hot and steaming on the dinner menu?

Make no mistake, penis-eating is nothing new. It’s not the latest bizarre fad. The Chinese have been wolfing down penises for thousands of years. Whole restaurants are devoted to gourmet penis dishes and the delicacy is served in dozens of different ways.

Convenience food: Ox and dog penises arranged artistically on a platter.

There are fried donkey penises and boiled yak’s swimming in a thick curry sauce. Testicles are popular too. Some of the finest restaurants compete to present variations of such delectible dishes as deer, snake, horse, goat, seal and duck penises. And that’s not the entire list.

Seeing that the entree is so popular, it’s little wonder then that an eating contest would revolve around it.

They go ga-ga for Guolizhuang

In Beijing the upscale, exclusive penis restaurant is Guolizhuang. In case you think that Beijing’s its only location, think again. There are four others in the city and two that have opened in America. One penis palace is in Atlanta, Georgia, and the other’s tucked away in the  Chinatown section of San Francisco.

So if you suddenly get a hankering–you know, one of those overpowering urges–for a good platter of penises, you don’t have to fly halfway around the world to satisfy your taste buds. You have two to choose from in the States. Lucky you.

Guolizhuang’s menu is enthusiastic about the health value os its penises.

Chinese men and women don’t eat penises on a dare, they eat them to maintain overall health and a healthy libido. As one Western patron at Guolizhuang observed:  “Raw or roasted, whole or sliced, tip or base: the penis binge is not meant for Chinese guests as a superficial test of courage, but rather as a serious treatment for the libido.”

This is how Guolizhuang’s colorful, photo-filled menu describes a $25 penis dish: “The sexual act of this Russian dog lasts 48 hours and its mating season is seven months out of the year.” The dish is touted as helping to boost a man’s virility.

Children under 15 aren’t permitted to dine on the restaurant’s penises. Presumably the meal can play havoc with their hormones. Men are the restaurant’s predominant customers, although women dine there too. Eating a penis is supposedly good for a woman’s complexion.

Sure it is.

Woman enjoys her dog penis ‘beauty treatement’ meal.

Popular penis platters

Another popular menu item is called “Henry’s whip.” The dish is, in fact, the house speciality. It’s a deep-fried sheep penis skewered lengthwise on a wooden stick and smothered with sweet cheese and mayonnaise accompanied with fresh, leafy lettuce.

Dog penises with the bone are also quite popular and the restaurant serves them up fancy with a sweet red cherry on the tip.

Ox penises are cut into intricate star patterns.

Ox penises are cut into star or ‘snowflake’ shapes.

Most penis dishes are served with tasty sauces as diners prefer dipping the succulent penis meat into soy or hot sauce–ocassionally a hot-sour sauce.

One of the shopping districts has a penis-eating contest every year. All the vendors contribute to it as the event draws a crowd. Most of the vendors sell foods other than penises. They tend to stick more with traditional fare such as grilled seahorses on sticks and flash-fried cicadas. Quite a few do offer donkey penis on the side, however, and that’s what’s served for the contest.

A donkey penis is huge. It can be as thick as the forearm of a young teenager and as long as a foot or more. The average American might find one pretty filling. Of course the average American might find the first bite one too many…

Champion penis popper

The 2010 competition had 23 entrants. All seemed hungry. Unlike some Western food-eating contests the penis contest has no time limit…a participant just eats as fast as they can and as much as they can.

Three buckets are provided for each contestant. One bucket is crammed with fragrant roasted donkey penises, the second with a sloppy gruel of some reddish-brown, sticky dipping sauce and the third is for gagging up chunks of haf-digested penises if the contestant gobbles down some of the meat a little too fast and must spit it up to avoid choking to death.

Amid much laughter, encouragement, hand-clapping and good cheer from the onlookers, the men–no women chose to particiapte this year–grab the penises from the buckets and cram the meat down their throat…after first briefly plunging the long, horrid-looking things into the swirling bucket of slop, of course.

Thirty smacking, hacking and chomping minutes later a winner is declared. He’s eaten his way through two and a half buckets. His nearest competitor gave up almost 3 minutes earlier and fell just short of two full buckets.

To the victor go the spoils: the equivelant of $100 in Chinese currency and a good supply of–you guessed it–donkey penises. Yes, the lucky winner gets to take home all the uneaten penises. What joy!

If the Chinese are correct about the effect that food has on a male, the winner’s significant other may not get a wink of sleep the next 2 weeks…

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© Copyright AYM Communications. 2010