The Minionators: How Sociopaths Play People

Those darn sociopaths– and their minions! How do we spot them?

I think the obvious sins are excellent reasons to step back and question any person’s integrity: people who steal, lie, and cheat can’t be trusted. We tend to make excuses for people we like, but apparently ignoring the big stuff is just asking for it. I’m sure this should go without saying, but since most people try to hide their crimes, if you DO manage to catch someone, chances are they do it a lot.

Another obvious one is watching what a person does with any power, whether that’s as a boss, a parent, a teacher, or in any other position of authority. Sociopaths are drawn to positions of power over people– the more helpless and less likely to be listened to the better. They flock to working with children, animals, the elderly, and the mentally, emotionally, or physically challenged. They also enjoy jobs where they can push their weight around, as police officers or prison guards for example. This is certainly not to say that most people in such positions are sociopaths– only that we all must be aware that sociopaths take great delight in scoring such employment, or even volunteering to ‘help’ the needy. We should never feel surprise that a priest or nurse is discovered to have been abusing their charges. Its better to regard anyone in a position of power with extra scrutiny to begin with, and to pay particular attention if something smells off.

Those are pretty easy to do and so far in my life I’ve been on top of the above advice. However, its the more subtle plays that always cold cock me and leave me stunned. What are those things that have been noticed sociopaths (or those who learned from them) DO to recruit their minions and set targets up for a fall?

Most of the following list is paraphrased from Phil McGraw’s book, Life Code: The New Rules For Winning In the Real World & Martha Stout’s book, The Sociopath Next Door. I highly recommend both books for everyone walking the earth! They really helped me pin down those details that I kept missing over the years and have excellent advice that makes sense and is easy to follow.

HOW SOCIOPATHS PLAY THEIR GAME

1. They infiltrate people’s lives, gathering data about them as if building an official file.

While most of us learn about those we meet as we go pretty casually, Sociopaths are far more studied in their approach. This is one reason they tend to be several steps ahead when they target an empath, who finds they already have turned the empath’s potential support against them. Sociopaths will gather information like a spy (or a really considerate friend) to use later as they choose. There are many books out there about schmooziing, networking, and getting ahead through using social channels, and they all advocate that people collect data on others for political purposes– even just to make a good impression by remembering a co-worker’s kids names and birthdays. Take that a step further and you can see how such a tactic will come in handy later against a sociopath’s targets and/or enemies.

One reason so many sociopaths do this seems to be as a coping mechanism for their lack of intuition and natural rapport with others. They don’t relate to people, but they have to negotiate a human world, so– like aliens studying us to learn our ways– sociopaths study up on everyone they meet that they’ll have ongoing contact with or who they target as their next victim. It pays to be prepared, right? Evil people like to plan too.

Watch out for those asking too many questions, or who seem a little too curious about you. Especially if you hear of them asking about you from other people! This is a subtle one, and easily missed, but knowing its a first step is crucial down the road.

2. They use promises and flattery to draw people in, telling others what they know they want to hear.

Being forced to become keen observers of the rest of the human race, sociopaths look for what draws the best reactions in others. People like to feel liked, and special, and to believe that a potential relationship will benefit them in some way. Sociopaths quickly learn this and use it, which is where many of the more intelligent of them develop their abilities to CHARM. They will seem to say and do all the right things, maybe even seeming too good to be true. They engage with other people and pull them in, managing to create the impression that they want to help you out just because they think you’re cool.

This is one reason why so many abused women get drawn in to incredibly bad relationships– they start off so well they may seem like a fairy tale. They are wined, and dined, and told how beautiful they are… and its all just an act to bring them in closer.

Its good to be wary of a slick salesman. Anyone who gives you too many gifts, compliments, and promises should be given a very thorough second look. Though empaths give without thought of reciprocation, sociopaths expect something in return and will not hesitate to call in their chits when they want to. This is one way they pull in minions as well– ofter them the moon, then threaten to pull it away if the minion doesn’t go along.

[I feel I got a great education on this from my father and so I have developed a natural revulsion for people who "court" me too enthusiastically.
Funny side note: I used to be really bad about complimenting people because growing up with a con man made compliments seem smarmy to me. I've since learned that honest kind appraisal is okay, but it took me a long time to feel comfortable with it.]

3. They are focused on gaining the approval of others and maintaining a certain impression.

Once they’re hooked, a sociopath will draw people in tighter by creating a persona they feel certain will go over well. Of course, since its designed to gain approval, this persona will adapt and change to different people. However, in general they go very much out of their way to seem acceptable, if not admirable to most people most of the time.

This is where those with better acting abilities manage to build up a good reputation. In this way, they’re able to duck scrutiny from the greatest number of people, and most certainly from their targets and minions. While in this mode, they wear a mask everyday– that may only slip if they are under stress or provoked. Therefore, if you see an ugly side come out of someone who otherwise seems okay, especially if its in response to an attack upon their ego– once more it pays to take a step back and re-evaluate!

This persona will lack depth and color, however. Other than being crazy bold and daring (see entry 2 days ago!) they don’t seem to understand things like nostalgia, sentimentality, reverence, grief, regret, or real appreciation. Their persona will be all action and charm, without humanity, rather like an advertisement for a person rather than an actual person. Because our society really encourages shallow existence, most of us forget to notice when someone among us seems empty or flat inside so long as they make a good show of things. We’re trained to accept this to our collective detriment. Spotting how fake they are usually means trusting that voice inside that we tend to shut up prematurely.

4. They create artificially intimate relationships in which they define the other as “the conspiratorial confidant.”

This one is from McGraw, and its an interesting little tidbit that I never noticed before and really makes a lot of sense to me now!

The best example of this I think most people can understand is how things go down on Survivor, the TV show. Everyone has to figure out how to make allies by suggesting that they’re the closet to the person they’re currently whispering to– but then they do the same with several more people, creating an “us against them” sort of mentality, trying to convince everyone that, really, they’re on the side of the person they’re talking to– not any of those other people.

Sociopaths (and those who learn from them) have figured out that sharing “secrets” are a great way of creating artificial intimacy. The sociopath will elicit confidences from a person, hoping that person will reveal their secrets and vulnerabilities, maybe because they’re enjoying the attention of being asked so many questions. Meanwhile, they’ve offered up more fodder for the sociopath to exploit. In exchange, the sociopath will reveal other people’s secrets — as opposed to their own. Thus, the sociopath creates the atmosphere that pressures their minion or target that they must keep those confidences or else risk losing that status as confidant. The sociopath (or minion) may also claim that they need some advice, or to get a concern off their chest as an excuse for malicious gossip. Its all part of a ploy to make their target or follower think that they’re special and honored by the sociopath– when in fact they’re getting set up to fall or to be used in the fall of someone else.

Again, this is definitely a female trick most of the time in my experience. Women who use dirty social tactics always seem to include this into their repertoire — and sadly I must confess I have often fallen for this one in the past. It works because we all do this with our most trusted friends, so when a person draws us in this way, we feel that we’re becoming their trusted friend and hesitate to question the sociopath, since to scrutinize a close friend seems paranoid and disrespectful. Its really quite sinister when you think about it!

Of course eventually the truth comes to light that we’re being taken in and our secrets are being used against us. (One reason I don’t keep too many secrets– there is little that will shock anyone at this point.) The sociopath turns the tables, all their secrets are either bullshit or involve terrible things they’ve learned about other people (which are often not true or at least a twisted version of the truth) and sometimes a person (often a minion) ends up in something very like a contract with the devil, damned no matter which way they turn.

5. They maintain, by contrast, an aura of mystery about themselves, and misdirect others who probe too deeply.

Not shy about trying to learn about other people, sociopaths tend to be more reticent in sharing information about themselves. If they’re experienced, they’ve learned that far from keeping others at a distance, their conflated mysterious persona actually draws people in who hope to become that special confidant that is allowed to peek behind the curtains. (Naturally, this dynamic plays in to #4 above.) Once more, we can see how our culture plays into this dynamic by encouraging us to think that mysterious people are somehow more worthy of pursuit than candid people.

In actuality, mystery is crucial because what’s behind the curtains is not a pretty picture! The more people learn about a sociopath, the worse that picture becomes. Sociopaths often have criminal histories, terrible credit, and a string of enemies created from their previous malicious operations. To prevent others from learning of their many terrible traits and soiled pasts, sociopaths prefer to change the subject when questions arise. They may insult a person who won’t stop probing for more information about them or even answer with no more than a blank stare.

Better yet, a sociopath who is well-prepared can blackmail anyone who discovers their dastardly secrets by threatening to expose the secrets of that person or of someone they love. Again, see #4 above for more on that! If nothing else, many sociopaths will guilt questioners out of pursuing answers by insisting that people who love each other or are best friend or work together should TRUST one another. They’ll go on and on about how wrong it is to be so suspicious of others, placing the onus of blame on those who rightfully intuit that the sociopath is not as they seem. (This even if they themselves are downright paranoid. More below on this.) Its all a ruse to put everyone off the scent so they can continue their illicit activities.

6. They refuse to admit to blame (unless it will gain them something) and prefer to point fingers at others when confronted.

No one is blameless all the time, yet a sociopath would like you to think they’re the exception. Several experts have discussed how ducking responsibility and assigning blame to others is almost always a part of how sociopaths (or those trained by them) operate. Even if confronted with proof of misdeed, a sociopath will find a way to still make it someone else’s fault. They cheated on you because you’re a terrible lover, they took your money because they deserved it after all they’ve done for you, they stole your prized art piece because you’re spoiled and don’t appreciate it enough. Any way they can turn reality on its head to keep it from being about their lack of a conscience they will use, forcing you to defend yourself for THEIR evil deed!

Partially this is to avoid punishment of course, but more than than its because sociopaths literally don’t comprehend feeling sorry for anything. The concept is utterly foreign to them. Regret for getting caught, and wishing they had been more clever about things is the closest they will ever get. Actual sorrow for causing harm never occurs to them in any way. Therefore, trying to make them own up in some personal way is worse than fruitless. They may offer an empty apology, complete with crocodile tears, in order to lessen a punishment, but their heart will never be in it– because they don’t have one.

7. They cause trouble passive-aggressively, or suddenly suffer from ‘selective memory,’ to avoid being confronted for their misdeeds.

Using loopholes and ‘plausible deniability’ is the stock in trade for a sociopath. Its a great way of getting a point across, or of cheating to win, or hurting someone and yet being able to deny any harm was meant. (See #6 above.) Of course many sociopaths can and will be actively aggressive, but that’s tricky with strangers, co-workers, and anyone who is likely to retaliate. The solution of course is hostility hidden in various ‘accidents.’ Best of all, when people complain about what the sociopath is doing, the sociopath can claim they’re being unfairly scapegoated and make their accuser seem crazy.

(Can ya tell I’ve been through this one too!?)

Selective memory works much the same way. By claiming they merely forgot various obligations, they can blow off anyone or anything, and forget promises as conveniently as they like. In this way, they can claim innocence, even turning things around on the person confronting them, and avoid being directly blamed for much of what they do.

Since few people come up with intricate and elaborate schemes to “get” people, especially for no good reason, when a sociopath does this and the targeted victim complains about it, its easy to point fingers and accuse the target of being paranoid– or, best of all, of actually being out to get the sociopath, thus allowing the sociopath to claim victimhood!

A LOT of people use #7 besides sociopaths, but no one who operates this way should ever be associated with if one has a choice about it.

#8. They realize what THEY do to others, and have many enemies from their past, and so end up paranoid.

Ironically, and often justifiably, sociopaths, who are aware of how they themselves operate, end up at least somewhat paranoid that either an old enemy will come after them or that others are secretly doing to them what they do secretly to others. This means they are incredibly suspicious and cynical people, which seems a great contradiction considering their carefully-constructed-to-be-charming personas.

Sociopaths, while ducking blame like pros, are not shy to mete it out. They often falsely accuse others of operating the way they do, and even if they don’t expose these suspicions in public, they’re only too willing to escalate a personal war that only they are aware even exists. They end up putting anyone in close proximity to them on the constant defensive. Once more, we see how their lack of insight into human motivation makes it difficult for them to ascertain other people’s motives, and so their default attitude is to just assume the worst.

I’ve personally heard many details of this kind of paranoid behavior from many people, and experienced it myself with my own father. Mark was another one who went to great extremes, refusing to open the door to people, doubling back on his regular driving routes to check that no one was following him, and so forth. And in many cases, sociopaths caution serves them well, keeping others around them off-balance and successfully alerting them when one of their many enemies does come looking for payback.

#9. They learn what bothers you so they can push your buttons, both to gain leverage and to entertain themselves.

One game that seems to really delight sociopaths is that of finding out what drives people crazy and then using that to get a reaction. They learn that when people are very upset, they are off-balance and easier to manipulate. A secondary motivation seems to be about finding fun in a weakness they know they themselves do not possess: personal feeling that can get hurt. Watching others freak out proves wildly diverting, and once again proves to the sociopath that they are in control.

This is one big reason why they infiltrate people’s lives and discover as many secrets as they can. Beyond the blackmail material, they’re looking for buttons to push to send their targets careening off the deep end, if even for a little while. Over time, with exploited targets during prolonged abuse, the sociopath will find every soft place in another person and use it to flagellate their soul repeatedly. Feeling fat or ugly? Watch them repeatedly insult you by finding newer and more creative ways to poke those sore points. Soft spot for animals? The sociopath will torture them in front of you. Knowing what really bugs you is crucial for this strategy to work, and so open people are the easiest targets.

As the ‘game’ or personal war wears on, the sociopath will strategically push buttons where their targets will be most likely to expose themselves in public or before the very people the target would otherwise count on as possible sources of support. Making people who are having perfectly normal reactions to impossibly crazy situations look crazy to others is an especial treat. (This is a part of the point of “gas-lighting” which I’ve discussed before, which is when they try to get their target not just to look crazy to others, but to doubt their sanity even to themselves.) However, making others believe the worst of their target works wonderfully using this strategy. (Which was used against me by Heather with Kelli, Daryl, and several other people in the pagan circle at one point, and I totally fell for it and rose to the bait at the time.) 

#10. They isolate their victims to foster dependency and/or to prevent others from lending their targets any support.

In exploitative situations, sociopaths make sure their victims are alone in the world. They do everything they can to cut ties between their victim and the victim’s family, friends, and even neighbors and co-workers. Either they’ll get the victim to give up their contacts to please their abuser, or they’ll escalate drama to the point that all their victims supporters refuse to get involved. Once that support is gone, making their victim rely on them for as much as possible gives the sociopath far more power, and the abuse steadily escalates over time.

In targeting cases (where the sociopath wants to destroy someone somehow, rather than pull them in to take over their lives) isolation involves soliciting minions to turn away from the target or to join in on group torment of the target. The more people join in, the less support the target has to count on, and the target’s world slowly collapses out from under them as they realize that former friend and friendly contacts now treat them as enemies, though they’ve done nothing wrong. In fact, they might be trying to prevent disaster to others if they’ve discovered who the sociopath really is and what they’re really up to. Many a whistle-blower has ended up prematurely ousted from a company or group of friends, only to hear later that laws were broken and heinous abuses took place that they had been desperately trying to prevent.

#10 has been used against me so many times I’ve lost a ton of trust in people, and I know I’m not alone. Heather, Mona, my mother, are all examples of people who quietly turned others against me. It happened in middle and high school too, of course, as I’ve mentioned. I’ve been fortunate that in many cases I was NOT isolated because several good people stood by me when the drama erupted due to my discovery of actual personal conspiracies against me. Often instead there was a split– where some sided with the sociopath (or apath using the strategies of a sociopath) and others with me. In the end, few who sided with me were sorry, but most who sided with my enemies ended up sorry eventually of course, as the truth of who they had sided with came to light eventually.

WHEW!!

I have one more article to write and then this series is officially finito!