Bullsh!t Detectors Make People Nervous

I’ve talked about how many of my friendships have blown up melodramatically, and how several of those former friends returned and are my friends once more, sometimes years after our estrangement commenced. Its an odd situation, because not too many people have a friend-turned-enemy come back to apologize, seeking redemption and renewal of old ties. Yet this has happened to me several times.

I was talking to one such today on the phone, telling them the latest blow out with Fara & Tameka, and how it hurt my feelings to be falsely accused of nefarious motives even though I was relieved to be rid of the craziness. And, as I’ve done here, I wondered aloud about how often this type of thing has happened to me. What the hell about ME inspires such behavior out of others towards me?!

I forgot for a moment that I was talking to someone who had done this exact thing to me himself. He was quiet whilst I voiced my tirade, and then he chuckled, “You’re like a massively perceptive bullshit detector, and that makes people nervous.”

I apologized, because I wasn’t trying to rehash the past with him, but he said he thought he understood what was causing me so much grief, and further, that he didn’t think, given my proclivities, that I would ever be reformed!

Admittedly, I was intrigued, and told him if he had a way to explain it to me, being a former enemy of mine, by all means to shine some light on things! “Pray tell, just WHAT proclivities do you mean?”

So he said, “I can only speak from my own experience, and maybe what I saw out of your confrontation with my girlfriend, but I suspect its a personal way of approaching life and people you have that’s behind it all...”

Yes, go on, I wanted to hear more I told him.

He sighed and said, “Its like this. You have a keen nose for smelling bullshit, and you’re very good at expressing this. Nicely– but still… So, say you run into a person happily, even proudly, clinging to some bullshit they picked up somewhere. This person may be standing in a group of people, some of whom have their own, but some who don’t. To begin with, you’re the only person who will say out loud, ‘Say, does anyone smell something off?’ “

I laughed at this. He was going with an actual bullshit metaphor. I admit I was both intrigued and delighted, and so continued to listen.

“Eventually, you figure out someone is carrying around some warm, steaming bullshit– hugging it to their chest. You’ll be the first to point this out as politely and delicately as you can to begin with, just asking a person what’s the story behind the — uh, bovine excrement they’re carrying around? And the person, in deep denial, is taken aback and shaken, but insists that they’re carrying around a new… puppy and how you could you miss that? They may be offended, but to begin with, they’re usually just a little shocked anyone mentioned anything at all!”

I took this in as he went on.
 

“You’ll tilt your head in confusion, genuinely surprised they’re so misguided, and begin by pointing out how the mass they’re carrying is warm and brown. They’ll counter with, ‘Yeah, of course my puppy is warm and brown!’ Then you’ll point out the distinct odor, and they’ll insist their puppy rolled around in something. Still innocently confused as to how someone could mistake a load of shit for a pet, you’ll knock their entire line of reasoning out by handing them a list at some point that gives the facts on how real puppies have legs and heads and tails and are animated creatures!“

I couldn’t help it, this made me giggle.

“Whereupon they get massively offended and stoutly insist that you’re being harsh and a little crazy. They will tell you a tale of how they rescued this poor puppy out of a field where it was in danger of being trampled by these big oblivious creatures chewing their cud, and they realized this precious baby dog was worth saving. How could you be so… unfeeling!?! Besides, they’ll argue, LOTS of OTHER PEOPLE have also rescued puppies from that field and you should RESPECT those choices since so many others are doing it too!!“

I was laughing outright now.

“At that point, not wanting to argue, you’ll drop it, but both parties are left distinctly uncomfortable. You’ll pretend to not notice when you run into them, but inevitably they show up at your door, still carrying said bullshit, and ask entrance into your house. You stand firm then, and tell them they can carry their– puppy– around as much as they like in the rest of the world, but you just can’t let them in with it. You’ll politely suggest they leave it outside on the porch, or you’ll give them a big plastic bag to put it in or something…“

I interrupted, “I see what you’re saying! As soon as it affects my relationship with the person or disrupts my life, I do tend to put my foot down.”

“Yes. Exactly. But people are oddly stubborn about their own personal bullshit, and they’ll argue with you to let them in while carrying it. That’s when you come outside with them and sit down and talk about the days when you carried bullshit around too. You’ll tell them its no cause for shame. In fact you have a lovely garden out back where you regularly use your personal bullshit that gets dumped on you from the world, or that you picked up by mistake, as the most excellent fertilizer. You’ll lead the person to that very garden and show it to them. You’ll then hand them some gardening books or links to gardening sites or something with healthy suggestions on what to do with bovine manure.

That’s when the moment of truth arrives… No matter what lies a person tells themselves, you have an answer for everything. No one can argue with you using logic, or empathy, or tradition, or peer pressure, or cultural myth. You see into and behind all of it. You even prove that one doesn’t have to keep clinging to these things but can successfully move on or find another use for the negative, smelly stuff of life. You’re so nice about it, and respectful, but no matter what, that realization hits that — OH MY GOD! I THINK LUCY’S RIGHT! I AM CLINGING TO BULLSHIT!!” and then this massive wave of shame hits that person. They feel so humiliated, and they realize that all that time you knew. You knew and you were truthful with them and… well… that’s when its tempting to throw all that bullshit at your door or toss it at the ground in front of you and insist you pick it all up and love their puppy, dammit!! “

I said, “And of course I make a face at that point and say, ‘Yeah, no deal. And also? Gross!’ “

“Exactly. They may even leave and come back, bringing a bunch of friends, all carrying bullshit too, to make their point that YOU are the crazy one. SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE AGREE WITH THEM?“

‘Yeah, THAT line of reasoning drives me fucking insane!’ I said to my friend.

“Of course it does because the truth is painfully obvious to you. They end up leaving in a big dramatic huff, still clinging to their bullshit– whatever they didn’t throw at you anyways!- and try to go back to their comfortable life before they knew how stupid they were being. But let me tell you something: I can speak from experience here– afterwards it just isn’t the same. They notice all those things you pointed out about the stench and the stains and the lack of soul in what they’re clinging to and it bugs them like heck! Eventually, some may quietly start a garden of their own, like I did. And as they rake their previous bullshit into the soil, they contemplate all those other people who never said a word, either because they had their own bullshit to cling to, or because they were just too damned polite to tell the truth, and they realize they made a mistake when they failed to appreciate your bullshit detection talents! Meanwhile, you’re scrubbing off your front door and your porch, wondering what the hell happened.“

I was quiet and thoughtful for a time thinking about this, and finally asked, ‘Do you think its worth it to bother pointing “shit” out to people? I actually try to just leave it alone most of the time…’

“You’re talking to a reformed bullshit clinger here, so my answer is going to be a resounding NO. But I couldn’t blame you for getting tired of dramatic confrontations and sighing and rolling your eyes like so many others do. You don’t just figure out the truth, you have a compulsion to share it, and I know that the reactions you get hurt a lot. I’m still really sorry I let my ego take over so that I attacked you years ago. But I really needed to hear what you had to say. You were trying to help me, not insult me. Not a lot of people necessarily get that about you in the heat of shame. I don’t think its because you’re relentless or obnoxious about pointing out the truth, I think its that no one can get you to LIE about it, no matter how hard they try. You really do have an answer for everything. You’re so smart about the psychology of people, and the tangled webs of thought we weave and trap ourselves in its scary. People feel naked around you once they realize you see through things, and carry scissors to cut through those thought webs and when a person doesn’t want to face their shit-? Yeah- its hard to take.

I’ve tried to take a page out of your book and be more honest with people, and you’re totally right, it invites rejection. So, if you don’t want to say anything to people out in the world in order to get along, that’s one thing. No matter what though– I think you’re right to not allow people to bring that shit into your home and personal sphere.“

I thanked him for his perspective and humorous metaphoric explanations, and asked if I could quote our conversation (as best as I recall it, anyways) and he said sure, so here it is.

The conversation made me feel better, because it was very validating and made me feel understood. My friend made me laugh so hard at something that hurt me to much between us once! It was very healing. This is a case where forgiving an old enemy was absolutely justified and right to do. Hearing about how this dynamic works from the perspective of an enemy was… interesting. Made me feel a little pride even! I don’t know that I want to keep at it, though. Maybe I’ll just compulsively blurt out my observations to people forever, but I think I’m learning to prefer a more discreet approach.

I’m getting too old for this shit!