Repairing My Relationship With My Rays

One of the things I’ve discovered in therapy is that I’ve done my psychological work with my inner aspects backwards…  In IFS therapy, you start by befriending and helping the Rays or Managers/Inner Parents and THEN you go find and heal and welcome the Shadows or Exiles/Inner Children & Teens.

I was so disgusted by the negative messages that harmed me from my past that made up my Rays that I soundly rejected them and went in to help the Shadows, which led to some amazing healing from within.

Problem is… you can’t ever really just get rid of parts of yourself. They just become the new exiles or shadows and then you have another set of problems to deal with! 

Whoops. =^P

SO–! I am setting out to repair my relationship to my Rays. After all, I can transform them and heal them like I did the Shadows, and make them allies instead of enemies. My dreaming mind seems game enough, and it seems smart to utilize that.

Last week, I asked my Rays to show me their perspective through dreams and I remember 2 versions of a couple of adventure dreams that did just that. In the first one, I was in some sort of town where “things had gone very wrong.” I was with a bunch of adults during the day and we were driving around, looking for shelter to hide in. At night in this town, the teenagers came out and ran wild I was told. It was dangerous to be out and about for us. I found a hotel and there was a girl there, I helped her and the rest of the adults with me to hide in the hotel. As dusk came, I looked outside and I was full of dread, with visions of zombie hoards or rampaging biker gangs. But no, I was able to make out a few people in the dark walking around– but there wasn’t any chaos. It as actually pretty quiet and I wondered what the fuss was all about.

The second dream was similar, but I was in a high school where the students had taken over and the teachers and principal were being held captive. Again, I didn’t see any evidence of these “wild” teenagers, except maybe some strewn papers laying around. Otherwise, I barely saw anyone, as things were just eerily quiet. But the adult teachers I spoke to were just very scared and unhappy with the turnaround in their circumstances. Their natural leadership roles were undone and they didn’t know what to do.

Okay– so message received! I can see how the Rays must feel no longer having much (or any) authority. Also, they are still guarding (or holding prisoner) some Shadows, so even that process has yet to be completed.

Again with the ‘whoops’….

Early this morning I got up for a bit before going back to bed again– which is perfect for having dreams you’ll remember. As I fell asleep, I asked to speak to a Ray. My first dream I was just goofing off with some comedian type aspects, and we ended up dancing. But I made my request again, and finally I got somewhere.

I was with my Mother Aspect Ray, who is much diminished from the “Mad Queen” she used to be. Now she was quietly puttering around. I’ve discovered that aspects that don’t want to confront me directly will still sometimes talk to me on the phone. An aspect of my Aunt Dora  (who has been a lifelong disapproving critic of mine in real life) called my Mother Ray and they spoke for a time. Then Mother Ray put the phone down and said Dora wanted to speak to me. I barely remembered my request to myself, but some part of me was on board, because I did the compassionate and healing thing.

It was difficult to make out what Dora Ray said to me, but she was definitely skeptical of my intentions. I told her I could understand that. I then told her that I was sorry I had been so tough on her, but I wanted her to understand it came from my desire to stop being bullied. I said in the dream, despite not being quite lucid, that I intended to give her a more fair shake in the future if she would work with me. It was even more difficult to make out what she was trying to say in response, but it was clear she was lacking energy and feeling rather defeated, which surprised me. At the end, she told me I was tired and should go to bed– which was a commanding but caring thing to say because I am sleep-deprived, so I can see the good intention of it.

I thanked her and hung up, but then what did I do? I woke up to write all of this down! I’m SO not listening so well these days!

This I think was an important contact. Dora, both in waking life and in my dreaming mind, is a powerful person who just thinks I’m a screw-up who can’t be trusted and deserves shit in life. Its hard to feel sympathy for the character I’ve conjured up to represent her. However, I tried and I managed to at least get her attention.

When I awoke, I gave a little speech including both my mother and aunt aspects, telling them again that I was sorry for exiling them. However, I told them the inner bullying must stop. They could have a much easier time of things if they take on and keep the positive characteristics of my mother and aunt, who certainly have nice qualities. If they did this, they could be leaders again, helping the rest of the Inner System of aspects get along better in life. Weren’t they tired of being baddies? Why not be protectors instead?

I don’t know what will happen next, but at least I know the basics of how to do this communication with aspects thing. Hopefully I’ll get to talk to many Rays and ask them, and have them agree to, more helpful roles than what they’ve been currently playing. You may not be able to get rid of a harmful aspect, but you can give them better jobs that they’ll enjoy more that actually benefit the entire psychological system.

Fingers crossed!