Jeez! Just when I started to feel okay enough to get ever so slightly cocky..!
I didn't get to my walk today or much of anything else past 2pm. I was finishing up some housework and general stuffs to do for the day and would normally go on a walk and then relax afterwards, but instead– my anxiety levels, which have been elevated in the last few days– just went NUTS and escalated into a full-bore panic attack out of no where!
I actually found myself sobbing in fear, taking my emergency medication, and still, for a time, the panic levels kept going UP to the point I was afraid I was gonna start screaming! It was rather shocking, considering how many weeks its been since I've even had an anxiety attack (still worrisome, but WAY more mild.) I was just astonished, a mere impotent witness to my own brain-body system going haywire.
As I calmed down from Ativan and a toke of herbal smoke, and then an edible on top of THAT (which should have put me in a coma, but it just got me to normal-ish for a few hours– again, tells you how “amped up” I was that all those drugs would barely touch me!) I considered the obvious: WHY?
What was the trigger for me to have a meltdown on a sunny afternoon where everything was going well–? I tend to ruminate about these things, and it was a puzzler for a bit. The only thing I could think of was that today was the first day that I was feeling pretty confident and good about life in general, and was imposing my own brand of organizational cleanliness upon the roomies (with permission, mind you!) I think a part of me just feels that I have to be wary and on alert all the time, and that if I relax too much or take anything for granted, a SHITSTORM will result.
I don't trust my feelings to give me accurate feedback about my life anymore.
All my issues plus the double betrayal and divorce totally eviscerated my confidence in being able to guess my security in life. Apparently, just feeling on top of things for the last few days, and especially today triggered a full-bore meltdown. I'm settling in and now helping the rest of the household, and the last time I did that, I got kicked in the teeth, and now I have grim expectations…
Talk about a pessimistic bummer!
How I know I have more shit to process: stupid shit is triggering panic meltdowns on otherwise perfectly good days!