Melancholy, Lonely Day

The flare isn’t helping (though at least my fogs are just in the morning for a couple of hours so far…). I’m tired, and in pain, and whiny, and nothing feels good, and I can’t go out and fulfill the plans I had to go gaming this weekend with the gaming group.

Instead of over-sleeping, I couldn’t sleep at all last night until I gave up at 6 am and took an Ativan and then awoke around noon. Half the day gone and my plans were busted. Another day to watch TV and brood.

And brood I did. Not proud of it or anything, but I just wasn’t in a good mood. I felt on the brink of tears all day today. My mind kept straying to thoughts of how out-of-place I still feel in my life and in my new home. I am still not quite as comfortable as I should be. I’m still nervous sometimes. I still have a hard time relaxing completely a LOT of the time. At times I felt numb, which was preferable to the melancholy.

The sadness hit pretty hard on and off throughout the day. I missed my house and the other cat. I missed my old life. I even missed my ex-husband, dammit!

I still feel so… disconnected and insecure and cut off!

Not always, some days I feel like I’m moving on. But sometimes it all hits me again and I just want to go home.

I just want to go home. To MY home.

The fact such a thing is impossible doesn’t seem to persuade that part of my heart that still mourns…

Processing this shit seems to take forever and I’d really love to move on. It hurts too much.