Not Ready To Dig Too Deep Just Yet

This weekend I wrote a couple of private posts about the past and the future– just issues I’ve avoided really looking at much… A couple of things were picking at the back of my mind, so I pulled them out to examine, as I am apt to do.

Apparently, it made some parts of me very nervous, because I awoke this morning to a nightmare. It was a jumbled mess, but a couple of things stood out: I was helping to do renovations on a house (houses represent our lives) on the ground floor (foundation of self) and when I pried up a couple of loose floorboards (‘prying’), I discovered to my amazement and dismay that a bunch of half-grown kittens were under there, neglected and now roaming freely. I felt guilty for not knowing they were there so I could care for them better, but it seemed completely over-whelming, like I had too many to protect and nurture properly. At the end of the dream, a kitten walked by an animated vine that was clinging to a wall, and the vine was red and angry from some guy who had tried to pry it off the wall (clinging vine = security, “clinging”) and it whipped out a searching vine/tentacle to get him but found the kitten instead, picked it up and attacked it, puncturing the kitty’s eye! (My sense of security is attacking the wrong targets, going for my OWN vulnerabilities instead of the actual ones who ripped me from my life?) It was so awful, vivid and graphic that I woke myself up groaning in dread and horror!

I discussed the dream segments with Cat, who is working from home today since she has college classes later, and I think I know what’s bugging me. I felt the need to address those awkward issues, and its upsetting my fragile sense of ‘okayness.’ But I wrote my private posts (that I may open up someday) to get some thoughts and feelings off my chest specifically so I could release that energy for a while and not have to deal with it. Just take a quickie look and then put it all back in the box again!

Apparently, even acknowledging I have these particular issues really knocks me off my sense of equilibrium, and makes me feel even more insecure than usual. Its still very hard for me to truly relax, though very slowly I have been healing and improving for months now. The theme of the dream was about new beginnings. Besides the house renovation, there were seeds being brought out and planted, and yet more newly delivered plants in a sort of nursery I was visiting. An aspect of me feels it is not doing its job protecting the more fragile aspects, and it feels guilty and is very worried about me getting hurt again.

I understand how that aspect feels, but I promise I wasn’t going to obsess about a niggling problem. Rather, I was just poking it briefly and acknowledging its reality before putting it back again later. I did feel better after I briefly addressed a couple of concerns, even if I was uncomfortable even allowing that much scrutiny on the subject matter.

Anyways– I get it. I need to be stronger before examining all these painful thoughts and feelings. I can get to them at a later time after I’ve built up a little more security and armor. I had just reached a point where I could relax and feel a little more normal when these latent issues rose to the surface for a brief spell.

I really need to heal and build up some Rays a little. My Shadows are a little too exposed and raw.