IFS Dream: Meeting Tristan the Fearless Wanderer

I’ve been sleeping a lot lately (or not… so my hours are all topsy-turvy) so I’m getting some good dreaming. Last night into this morning, I kept finding a repeating theme to my dreams…

I found myself, again and again, on various adventures, traveling by ship or train or car or bike, going places, meeting people, finding new things to contemplate. There was a lot of action and fun and I was thoroughly enjoying myself– but then something would stop me and the dream would shift to a new scenario.

I ‘came to’ and put the pieces of the puzzle together quickly. I banished the chains and manacles the poor kid had on him and then bent down to ask him his name. He looked at me with bright green eyes, longish hair untamed, and said, “Tristan!”

I knew it was a newer name, from the 90s, because I immediately thought of the movie Legends of the Fall with the character Tristan played by Brad Pitt– who had a freak out and wandered the world as an explorer in the 1920s. (Oh– spoiler alert!) I got the reference and understood this Inner Child of myself very well.

He looked like THIS only wearing a white pirate shirt and black pants– but VERY close to image in dream:

The number one thing I got in trouble for as a child–? Was “wandering” as my mother put it. From the time I was 3 years old until I was maybe 13 (and got sick) I had insatiable wanderlust. At 3 and 4 I was walking around the block (or 2 or 3) from my home. I mapped out routes and figured out who lived where and all the dangers and secret paths (often through yards– had no sense of private property back then) and had myself great adventures. Things got dangerous sometimes– I ran into aggressive dogs, older bully boys, a sociopathic girl who murdered her own sister and nearly strangled me, and even a couple of perverts. But, again and again, I prevailed by running away, getting help from others, or facing my foe and defending myself.

By the age of 8 I was walking miles from home in all directions and finding all sorts of things to see and do. I really never got punished for anything else except not wanting my sister around– I got spanked or the dreaded fly swatter for “wandering” and getting caught being no where near home at mealtimes on weekends or after dark. But I couldn’t stop wandering, and I didn’t want to…

By the time I was 12 or so, I was much more circumspect, respectful of private property, and wary of danger. I still loved to wander neighborhoods and check things out, but now I searched for parks, playgrounds, and abandoned lots to explore. It was all in search of fun and adventure, and I found plenty.

After my illness changed my life, though, I had so many other problems and my family life had fallen apart too far and school became hell, and my life became dominated by fear. Though I never became a recluse or anything, I didn’t wander anymore. Except for rare vacations or visits, I stopped having adventures or exploring new places. The closest I got was moving to a new location. Every time I moved I found adjusting to my new surroundings to be very satisfying, but going beyond my home felt too intimidating.

I lost that part of me that had been SUCH a source of joy and satisfaction in my life. Not completely, but mostly.

Now here I was in a dream facing that part of me that loved to wander and explore and adventure. I loved him so much at that point! I wanted to shout, “There you are! I’ve MISSED YOU!!!“ but thought better of it, with the Rays (ironically, hidden in shadows so I couldn’t see who they were) witnessing every move I made and every word I said. Instead, I hugged the little guy and ruffled his hair, and then stood up to face the hidden Rays.

“I think you guys know you’re in trouble for this, which is why you’re hiding from me...” Little Tristan was smiling up at me hopefully as I continued, “It is not okay to lock up an aspect! I need young Tristan here! I know you guys were trying to keep us all safe by keeping my wanderlust at bay, but the result was far too much dreariness and fear. We’re not children anymore, and we’re old enough to decide our fate and to wander and explore and play and have adventures if we want to! Life needs some fun and exploration and so no more locking up Tristan!“

“Tristan is still very young– undeveloped from lack of experience. And we need him to get older and wiser, obviously, before he can just take off. SO–!” And I turned to the boy, “From now on, if you go wandering, you need to take a grown-up aspect with you, okay?” He nodded, and I went on, “And if none of THEM will go, you can come to ME directly and you and I will go out together!” He liked that idea a lot.

He was giving me a grateful hug when I awoke!

THAT was an awesome dream. I think the Rays, feeling guilty or ashamed, arranged for me to meet with Tristan and set him free. They evidently did not know how or felt I needed to be directly involved. I still take it as a good sign that they want to cooperate and see how this IFS thing can really help matters. That’s pretty stark, though, locking a wandering kid up in the bowels of a ship at sea in a storm! I mean, talk about parts of me controlling other parts!

Again, we see how an unhealthy personal system wreaks havoc on my ability to have joy or a more open existence! So much fear controlling every fucking thing in my life! Enough with the fear already! Even the Rays seem to be getting on board with this. But best of all, I am loving the idea of getting my ADVENTURE SELF back online in my life! YES YES YES!!!