Visting Darla On My Way To Portland

Since it’s my week’s vacation (at least a cheap version of it– visiting friends, seeing the eclipse, and then going to Faerieworlds) I’m looking forward to a little R & R, and to getting out of my current Ghost Lake house for a time. Besides, its the second half of Sharn’s “stay-cation” and I think she’d appreciate having a little time without my hanging about endlessly!

To begin with, Reese came up for a day, rested, and then we headed down south yesterday afternoon. The traffic was only slightly worse than expected, and easy breezy by the time we passed Olympia. Of course we stopped at Darla’s house to say hello, it seemed only right. Darla is the neighbor across the street who gave me a little outlet and sanctuary during my divorce. She just offered me a place to go to get away and a comforting bit of solace. Her expansive gardens and horses or cows also offered peaceful distractions.

I confess I wanted to see Windy Firs again, curiosity being what it is… As we pulled up, Gerick was in the front yard working on a project he’d envisioned last summer before I left. He didn’t see us, or even turn around. Reese asked me if we should call out, and I said no. He’s not communicating with me anymore, and it seemed disrespectful to intrude on his reality. Had he turned around and seen us, I probably would have waved, but I would expect him to glower rather than wave back– his silence has made it clear he cares nothing for me anymore.

So, we got out of the car and greeted Darla and went inside to hang out for a few hours. Lots of catching up. She and her friend were happy to see me and remarked on how healthy and happy I looked. I was a total basketcase when last I was there! Nothing important got brought up, it was just friendly chit chat and talking about gardens and cows and family and the eclipse and such. A couple of times I glanced out the window to see Gerick still working on his project– alone.

Before we left, we went to see Darla’s new calf– a heifer! SO cute! We fed the cows and steer bread and fallen plums from the near-by tree as a treat, though the calf was only into her mommy’s milk!

We said our good-byes and made our way back to the car again, I saw movement in Windy Firs’ front yard– two or more guys, including Gerick, were walking around. Reese said they went for a walk up the road? I wasn’t paying too much attention, but I guessed they probably saw us by then.

What surprised me was how much I didn’t care. I had wondered before arriving if seeing my last home and my ex would make me feel sad or angry… But I didn’t really feel anything but regret for the location. How I loved Harmony Hills and rural life! The spectacular view and clean, crisp air! I really miss those things. The angst, however, is gone. It took a year of separation, but what happened no longer hurts viscerally.

Which makes the side trip to Darla’s Garden House entirely worth it! It helped put things in perspective, and my curiosity was cured. I know that Gerick still lives with Chip & Waldo. (Their car was there as well as their tiny house.) They’ve continued to work on the place a little, but nothing stood out much besides the project Gerick had going in the front yard. It pretty much seems the same except without me there. I found myself neither comforted nor disappointed.

As much as I loved (and still love) Windy Firs, I don’t miss being there with those three men. I don’t miss the emotional abuse, the constant lies and manipulations, nor the relentless melodrama (I’ve had ZERO since moving out, so there is no doubt it 100% came from them). I don’t miss feeling scared. I don’t miss watching my entire life hijacked by two boys young enough to be my children.  I don’t miss who I became while berated and harassed and attacked and schemed against by three selfish, villainous jerks. I will never forgive Chip and Waldo, and when the time comes they back-stab Gerick, as is inevitable once he’s no longer convenient for them, I won’t be able to feel sorry for Gerick, who threw me away like so much trash. No– I don’t feel like wasting my energy by actively hating any of them anymore, but disgust will remain forever…

I am, however, grateful to have real friends who stuck through all of it with me and support me still. I’m grateful to find peace and sanity again after my trip through Trauma-land. Life is super scary, trying to figure out how to support myself as my alimony payments go down, but at least I’m not being scowled at and tippy toing around temper tantrums anymore. I don’t feel disrespected and dishonored. I’m not constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop. Life is calm and feels far less precarious.

I’m also grateful to take any money and free time I have and spend both however I choose. I always knew I was an excellent money manager, but now I’ve proven it to myself after a year of carefully budgeting and watching my meager (indeed almost non-existent) credit rating rise rather nicely considering how modest a life I lead. Gerick really screwed up when he blocked me from managing our finances. I fought him for years and then gave up– and he only began to get a clue when we ended up homeless as a result. What a waste of our youth! I could have helped make it all so much more enjoyable and less frightening.

When I’m in charge of things, those things go WELL. That is what life away from my marriage keeps telling me. I am very responsible, a careful planner, and I can say “no” to myself. Those skills go a long way when no one takes my power away from me. I have very real hope that I can figure out a way to live a modestly comfortable and interesting life somehow in the not-too-distant future.

While a part of me will always love and miss Gerick– as crazy as that may seem!– I cannot miss his power over me and the decisions he made. I don’t like how things went down, and I will always be disappointed regarding his lack of character. Now that it appears the slight peace we made at the end of the divorce was all a lie, I can only sigh and shrug and go on. His last act towards me was to choose to file taxes singly, which cost me over a thousand dollars, and him several hundred at least, cutting into his own refund to prevent me from having one! This could only be an act of either hostility towards me or cowardice– doing as his lovers bid him, too afraid to stand up to them and end up alone. I dared to protest all those months ago and he hasn’t had contact with me since…

… but standing there in Darla’s driveway right after we pulled in, watching Gerick work alone in the front yard, I realized I didn’t really want to talk to him either– not the way he is now. There was this emotional chasm that seemed endless between the maybe 60 feet between us. It was an odd, yet strangely soothing, moment.

I realized he doesn’t have the power to hurt my feelings anymore.

Finally!