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Men - Seek Helpmates, Not Soulmates

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Thomas Hardy and T.S. Eliot married their secretaries.
Dostoyevsky married his translator. I married my webmaster.
It was love at first site.

Love perfection but do not seek it in a flawed fellow human being, a woman. “

“And God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a help meet for him.”  Genesis 2:18





Update-  I could almost feel my friend, a feminized male, flinch when I said, “The heterosexual dynamic is based on a man convincing a woman that his plan is in her best interests.” I had committed heresy. These words are politically incorrect in our Cabalist societal cult. Forbidden. Yet ironically they make for successful relationships while feminism usually doesn’t.  

As I have said, men want power; women want love. Heterosexual marriage is the exchange of the two. Women surrender power in exchange for male power expressed as love. Exclusive sex is the symbol of this contract. I’m not suggesting a woman should acquiesce to all men (as they do sexually under feminism) but only to the man who has patiently earned her love (trust) through courtship. If she ceases to acquiesce or he ceases to love, the contract is broken.

The conversation turned to child-rearing. My friend has a four-year-old son and remarked that he is tired of letting his son make the decisions. Children want to be told what to do. Ironically, that is true of many women also. They want responsible loving leadership. Men have been emasculated. Masculinity involves taking loving charge of a woman (and children.) 

In our society, there is a pathological emphasis on “relationships.”  We seek to be validated by other people. Paradoxically, this over-dependence on others tends to impede successful relationships. The most important relationship is with yourself. That’s the only approval we need. 

A woman should not be loved for her sex appeal or beauty. She did nothing to deserve them. They are gifts of nature.  A woman should be loved for her deeds. She should earn a man’s love. 



Updated from April 26, 2014
by Henry Makow Ph.D.

I wish I understood the following 48 years ago when I was 21.

Men, marry a helpmate, not a soulmate. I have been married to one for 19 years. It works for me. If you can find a “soulmate,” I tip my hat to you.

To those who say helpmates are boring, I say “Hallelujah.” I don’t depend on my marriage for excitement.  However, my wife is not what feminists call “a doormat.” She has a masters degree and a career. She’s smart, honest and has a good sense of humor.

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“You contradict everything I say,” I tell her. “Not all the time,” she replies. 


I have brought her breakfast in bed for 19 years, a gesture of my love and appreciation for letting me be the boss.

So, here’s my advice in ten points. 

1. Man is governed by his thoughts. Imagine steak and he salivates. Imagine a beautiful half-naked woman in handcuffs and he gets aroused. Whoever controls his thoughts controls him. Obviously, it’s best if he controls his own thoughts.

erotomania.jpg2. Society suffers from mass hypnosis.  We have been inducted by Hollywood into a bogus religion of sex and relationships which has supplanted genuine religion. Hollywood’s Cabalist Jewish assumptions have become our assumptions. They include 1. Romantic “love” is the meaning and purpose of life. 2. Male life is impossible without women who are paragons of virtue and beauty.  3. Since sex with these angels is the highest experience life has to offer, they do us a favor by sleeping with us. (Ethereal beings, they have no sexual needs.)  The drumbeat, “you’re so wonderful; I need your love and can’t live without you” is repeated ad nauseam by popular music. There is no correlation between a woman’s appearance and her character.  

3. Romantic love is a bogus religion- idolatry. “Love” is an ersatz of our relationship to God. We love perfection. People are not perfect.  “Be ye therefore perfect even as your father in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:48. The soulmate we seek is really God.

4. For heterosexual men, “love” usually involves a woman.  But, are women lovable? Most men mistake sexual attraction for love. After survival, sex is our most powerful natural instinct. But that’s all it is. Programming. We shouldn’t allow nature to control us any more than Hollywood.

5. What else can she do? In the “olden days,” men looked for women who could cook, clean, sew, milk the cow and look after babies. Sometimes they could play the piano.  Nowadays, many young women think they need to be good for one thing only, and that gets old fast.

6. Men were not intended to “love” women in the sense of adore them. That invariably leads to trouble. We adore what we want and we want sex. But that gives them too much power. Let’s look at women, minus sex appeal. Let’s demystify them.

Women are different from men. They tend to be more passive, emotional, subjective and concerned with down-to-earth practical considerations. On walks, my wife warns me about stepping in dog shit. I have my head in the clouds. She has her feet on the ground.

Women are primarily interested in security and perhaps are less scrupulous than men. They tend to be insecure and harbor feelings of worthlessness unless a man gives them purpose. These are fine qualities in a helpmate but not a soulmate.

Paradoxically, this kind of realism makes a man more attractive to women who naturally disdain men they can control. They want to be lovingly controlled. 


7. The whole concept of a “soulmate” is bogus and extremely selfish. It’s based on a time when women weren’t expected to think. They would adopt their man’s ideas as well as his name. Many young men are still looking for these “soulmates.”

8.  Distance is actually better than intimacy. It’s intimacy elevated to a higher level. It involves a realization that “hey, you’re totally different from me” and “are pretty limited in some ways” but “so am I in other ways and we don’t have to be alike.” It involves respecting differences.

“Love” as commonly understood forces people to be too close. It holds men and women to an impossible standard.  We’re not all that lovable. I’ll settle for a bond based on respect, trust, consideration, and gratitude. Marriage is better when the societal pressure “to be in love” is removed.

9. Love is based on self-sacrifice.  I love the people who sacrifice for me and give me the benefit of the doubt. It makes me want to reciprocate. We need to clear away the romantic mist and recognize that the basis of real love is mutual dependence. 

10. We don’t recognize how oppressive and time consuming our sexual obsession really is. We’re feel-good addicts. We’ve been trained to search for that “special someone” who will make us “feel good.”  Usually, this ends in disaster because we cannot depend on others for this and call it love.

In conclusion, women used to sacrifice for husband and family and were cherished in return. They have been reprogrammed to seek power instead of love. Their hearts and their minds are at war. They are ticking time bombs.

There is no Santa Claus. “Romantic love” is a crock. Sex is meant to be linked to procreation, or at least marriage. It was not meant to be a recreation and full-time obsession.


Romantic infatuation is usually based on some perceived advantage rather than any genuine feeling. It’s a woman’s thing and turns men into women. I hate to see another man waste his life chasing this chimera.

I advise men to seek women who want to serve them and their goals, who want to have their children and make a home. 

When you love someone without illusion, a helpmate can transform into a different kind of soul mate.


First Comment by JJ-

 I think if you were living in America you and your wife’s political differences would be more of a deal breaker.  The Trump narrative, Kavanaugh, etc. is so deliberately divisive that it’s a home wrecker.  I see it happen every day.  There are a million other things to disagree on and not share, but I don’t see that kind of marriage working in the US.  Mission accomplished!


Ken Adachi writes-

I cannot, however, agree with most of Henry’s ten points of advice given below on the male/female dynamic; especially his utilitarian view of the man-woman relationship and the dismissal of the central role of love and romance in that relationship. Love is the central, dominant, and creative force of the universe. We exist because God loves us. God created woman and man to perfectly compliment each other and bring forth the fruits of His creation in this physical reality. We can only be happy and fulfilled in all our endeavours when we fulfil those desires with love in our hearts.

Romantic love IS love. There’s nothing bogus or idolatrous about it. It’s not a veneer for hormonal, biologic impulses alone. When we fall in love, we experience a gladdening of the heart because we have become entwined on the soul level with that person. I’m not talking about people who insincerely say “I love you” for convenience or to be polite. I’m talking about a man and a woman who are in love with each other and feel it to the core of their being. I do not like the casual use of the term ‘soul mates’ in movies or as a pickup line. It’s thrown around like confetti. It trivializes the importance of the soul connection between a man and a woman who are in love. But make no mistake about it ~ it is a soul connection which has ramifications that go far beyond the physical world.

I also don’t agree with the notion of a pecking order when it comes to your wife and God. Loving your wife with your whole heart and soul is loving God with the same level of devotion. We use the word “God” to identify the Creator, but God is not a being outside of us. God is within every single person. The Hindus understood this concept thousands of years ago. “The Kingdom of God is within” said Jesus. Realizing that God is within is the key to seeking God. Yogananda got it right. He called his devotional group the Self Realization Fellowship. Men and women manifest God’s Divine plan by being nurtured into decent adults who follow the Golden Rule. They have fun, fall in love, get married, raise children, and grow old together in a life filled with happiness and contentment. Doing work you like is wonderful, but the greatest happiness comes from living in a home with a loving wife. There would be no divorce, and its disastrous effect on children, if husband and wife kept the love lamp burning strong within their hearts, act in ways that support each other, and avoid doing things that hurt one another.

I love the great romance comedy movies made in the 1930s, 40s, 50s, and 60s before foul language became the new norm. A good movie inspires people and fills them with hope and joy. Romance movies from the Golden Age of cinema, show men and women behaving in a way that is more in tune with decency, rather than the unwatchable mediocrity and vulgar trash of recent decades. Someday, the avant-garde will be the making of clean, decent movies again.

Christopher writes:

Your «Seek Helpmates» hits the proverbial nail on the head. You are NOT alone in realizing these truths somewhat later, rather than early on.

I suffered horribly from «being a romantic» and chasing all the unattainable, yet seemingly perfect «Les Wilis» (spirits). One woman, to this day, regrets throwing out all my amazing, uber-romantic love poems (inspired by her); an action dictated by her confused state of mind, thanks to the bi-polar nature of over-the-top absurd romanticism directed towards newbie feminist hysteria.

Despite a plethora of perfectly good, kind-hearted, helpful, and attractive women; I seemed driven to chase down and capture «the goddess.» Unfortunately, the majority of such «goddess» creatures were racked with psychological issues and conditions, from anorexia to kleptomania, and far beyond – often creating even dangerous relations. It became obvious that society was targeting such people, through indirect as well as direct means.

Talk about giving up one’s innate power?!?

It wasn’t just a somewhat faulty family dynamic that inspired this – it is was plain old programming, like the kind you find on TV. The average dating period, at that time in my life, never went over six months. Sadly, few – if any of these love interests ever remained even friends.

On any and every level, it was all an absurd waste, based on pulling out the dysfunctional threads of problematic family life, followed by the enhanced narcissism and hedonism programmed into a young, open mind.

Even the clothes of the period (the 1970s and early 80s) tell the story. Young men were pushed towards decidedly feminized fashions, with blousy shirts, skirt-like, large bell-bottom pants, and platform shoes; while young women moved either from the demure towards sex vixen outfits (like super short hot pants), or took on masculinized (see: Annie Hall) garb. This was just before the «I hate you – come here-go away», blackened eyes, bitch-vixen look, of the late 80s and early 90s fashions for women. And the Wall Street shark/slime-ball look, in that same following period, for men.

Finally, after «growing up», as well as reassessing the true nature and meaning of manhood, I began to see that the «Babe-age Factor» is quite short-lived, and utility – in the end – actually DOES become the real romance. It took a long time, but, at long last, I can now appreciate and respect ALL aspects of true womanhood, including those that ARE attainable, like; loyalty, exclusivity, trust, honor, faith, patience, charm, and the simple pleasure of just «being» with an important member of that gender that is different from my own… Vive la difference!

Don’t believe it? Just ask my wife of seventeen years.



Source: https://www.henrymakow.com/2019/10/men-seek-helpmates-not-soulmates.html
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