My Sister Messes Up Then Steps Up

The habits from childhood can last a lifetime, and the habits of a lifetime are almost impossible to break. But just “almost”…

My sister, as I’ve complained before, has a terrible behavior where she makes inappropriate accusations regularly, and tends to throw the last person she was with under the bus to the next person she sees. In addition, she’s very good at ramping up things in her imagination until she gets really upset.

I blame my parents. They encouraged my sister to tattletale on me, and the rule was very one-sided: Erica was never at fault for ANYthing, only I ever was. Which meant that they never taught my sister how to get along with people and apparently didn’t care that this type of thing would blow up in her adult life. All they cared about was using her to keep me humble. They didn’t put it in those words, but it’s clear now that their intention was to prevent me from ever getting too comfortable in my own skin.

Erica could hit me without consequence, but even the tiniest harsh contact from me (always much smaller than my sister) meant I would be mercilessly attacked by my parents. I was lucky my sister wasn’t more violent. She was mostly peaceful, but every once in a while she let loose on me a little.

Erica would go so far as to lie to get me in trouble if she was angry at me, but my parents seemed to think that my sister’s development disability meant she couldn’t lie, and so they always believed her. That also meant that Erica learned to manipulate for effect. She learned to cry and carry on over small or imagined slights and again– this meant I got shafted.

This social dynamic was exacerbated by the fact Erica was basically ignored unless she was telling on me, so if Erica wanted attention, guess what she learned to do?

And here we are, both in our 50s now, and my sister has care providers quit on her or she ends up firing them for very small things, like looking at their phone too much when they are out and just walking or waiting. The social care programs know not to let Erica be alone with any man because they’re afraid of false accusations. My mother claims she trained my sister to keep herself safe, but the opposite has happened. Erica has a reputation now where no one is likely to believe her even if someone did transgress against her. My parents created a “Cry Wolf” thing for my sister.

I’ve been trying to curb this behavior whenever I’m around her very much, and finally I’m getting support for this from Erica’s social worker/care provider network. We’re together on this, trying to teach her about better ways to handle her confusion or upset.

There’s your appetizer for context, now for the main course!

This Thanksgiving holiday, Erica witnessed we friends being very affectionate and comfortable around one another. For example, Sleep was a massage therapist for years, and he gives back and shoulder rubs, which we women all happily accept, actually having to be careful not to overuse his friendly services! He hugs, he kisses foreheads, he leans upon others– but all without any creepy vibes. And he asks first! Erica witnessed this and got hung up on the idea that he was being disrespectful to his “fiance” Reese.

Well, firstly, they’re best friends first and lovers last. Secondly, we’ve all talked in detail to one another about what’s okay and what’s not when Erica wasn’t around over the course of YEARS. Thirdly, Reese isn’t the jealous type, not even a little.

But Erica not only sent me an email after she was home again about this, she emailed Reese– who wasn’t amused in the slightest! And Reese is up to her eyeballs in bullshit with her sister’s divorce and more, so she wasn’t feeling particularly patient (and won’t be replying until after Yule or New Year’s). I made sure to both email and call my sister and carefully explain what she, that is Erica, did wrong.

I also came up with a plan that if Erica saw anything that disturbed her she needed to talk to me first about it, because being autistic (and below average intelligence) means she is OFTEN or even MOSTLY wrong when she makes judgments on other people about these things. It doesn’t help that her autistic obsession is law and crime shows, so everything is a crime to her! It takes a while to explain to her what is fiction and what is real because of that. So… I did my thing expecting for my sister to play the put-upon martyr yet again. She’s never to blame, etc.

And– my sister shocked the hell out of me by accepting what I told her, and further accepted blame, and then she emailed Reese and apologized right away!

I’ve spent maybe 4 decades trying to get this result, and always before in vain! She GOT IT! OMG!!!

Because we’re doing the “tribe” thing with Reese and Sleep and Rhonda and her kids, it is a VERY big deal to get along with one another, and Erica’s immature misunderstanding and directing of blame was going to be a trouble spot. Because Cat and Rhonda’s kids are also on the spectrum, it’s a lot easier to explain tribally– but still often frustrating.

I let my sister know I was proud of her for stepping up and taking responsibility right away, and I also told her social worker group about the breakthrough, and further thanked the case manager for her working on teaching Erica about these things. I’m finally getting some support to help curb my sister’s negative behaviors and encourage positive ones, and I can’t be more delighted!