In Which I Snap At Cat

I finally yelled at Cat.

She kept coming into my room to complain, and it was getting on my nerves. But… I let it go for the most part and tried to be pleasant. Eventually, she came in one too many times and went into her spiel about how she was no good for me, and I deserved better, and she should just live alone, yadda yadda yadda!

And I finally snapped.

I jumped off my bed when she tried to cut me off from replying that she wasn’t being reasonable. I actually said, “Look, Cat! You said you don’t want me to be afraid of you, so here I am– in your face and not afraid!“ And I told her she was basically being ridiculous and wildly exaggerating the dilemmas she thought she was facing. She needs to up her medication dosage and and take better care of herself. Beyond that, I said, I don’t really have anywhere else to go, so her comments that are meant to inspire me to comfort her instead come out as threats to rid herself of me and the only home I can afford! Things are challenging, but not dire, for her. But her comments bring up a very dire outcome for me, and I told her if she was seriously wanting to live alone, then she and I can sit down and work out a plan– and I will leave. But did she WANT me to leave? I pressed her: Was she trying to tell me she doesn’t like living with me? Because I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.

But she said no– she wants me to stay. She likes living with me. She doesn’t actually want to be completely alone. She just fears I hate living with her and doesn’t want to feel that way, so she keeps repeating her fears over and over, trying to make them go away.

I answered, “Why don’t you let ME worry about that? If I don’t want to live with you, I’ll tell you and we’ll work something out. But right now, that’s not even on my radar. I don’t know anyone I’d rather be with right now, nor do I have other affordable options. You drive me crazy sometimes, but I can fucking trust you when it comes to my survival and comfort! Dealing with your crappy coping mechanisms for your emotions is where you and I come to loggerheads, but I don’t see that as unfixable. You’ve already learned a lot and come a long way. But your depression lies to you terribly, and you have to medicate and get therapeutic support. I hate seeing you suffer, and you seem determined to cling to that suffering, and that is very, VERY frustrating for me. But it’s not a deal breaker yet. You need to believe me when I say that I will keep you informed as to where I stand with being roomies with you. We’ve made long-term plans that I’m counting on. I can’t keep hearing you say you think you should break your word. I can’t just waltz away from what we’ve built here! You can say you’re sad or angry or anything, but stop making crazy predictions or threatening to “give up” when the slightest thing goes wrong! Explain your feelings without adding suicide or moving every single time. We’ve talked about this and you’re going back to that habit you’ve already agreed to end. It’s not okay, so stop fucking doing it!“

And, as in other times I’ve actually let go and yelled at her, she and I both ended up feeling better and even laughing within minutes. Her behavior builds up a terrible tension that affects both of us, and I’m realizing that she doesn’t feel confident she can believe me until I get visibly angry. Apparently, my controlled behavior makes her doubt me? She can’t “read” me well enough to believe me that I’m not ready to give up on her, so she keeps threatening to give up on me to… make me prove her wrong?

It’s not okay for her to deal with her feelings like that to me. I hate being confrontational, but I don’t think there’s any other way to get the message across to Cat other than for me to be pushy about it. I loathe putting that kind of negative passion into my communication style, but maybe that’s the only way to get the message across to her sometimes.

Le sigh.

LATER NOTE: Again, I did not know that Cat had gone completely off of St. John’s Wort for her depression. At this point, in January, she’d been off of it for 4 months and was progressively declining in mental health…