Late Night Political Jokes – Equal Opportunity Offenders

• This morning, Twitter went down for almost three hours. It wasn’t good — in fact, I heard Donald Trump actually had to FAX his insults to people.
• Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls, but he recently said that if he loses the election, he’d go back to building skyscrapers. When asked where he’d build them, he said, “Right in front of the White House.”
• In a new interview with Time Magazine, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders said that he’s never worn a tuxedo in his life. When asked what he got married in, Bernie said, “1879.”
• At a recent town hall meeting, Chris Christie admitted that he’s got a little bit of a crush on Adele. Which explains Adele’s new song: “Hell-no.”

Conan

• While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump praised the Bible, saying “There’s nothing like it.” Of course, Trump changed his mind the minute he found out the book is full of Middle Easterners.
• Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, “Well, then you’re all set.”
• Yesterday’s episode of “Jeopardy” ended with no one winning. Viewers at home were confused and thought they were watching a Democrat debate.
• Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “You had me at L.”

The Late Late Show With James Corden

• There was another Democratic debate over the weekend. The candidates discussed the big issues like healthcare and global warming. But, of course, the media focused on the most important issue: Bernie Sanders gives a mean stink-eye.
• Fun fact: Bernie makes that same face when the waiter at Canter’s Deli brings him the wrong soup.
• The president of the United States, Barack Obama, seems to have totally checked out recently. It’s like Obama has total senioritis. If you want proof of this, he’s started signing every bill in Congress with: “Have a great summer. Stay cool. Barack.”
• Remember when Obama appeared on the NBC reality show “Running Wild” with survivalist Bear Grylls? This had to be the first time a U.S. president ever appeared on TV with a man who regularly drinks his own urine.
• People were shocked that during the show, Obama actually ate fish that had been gnawed on by a bear. That’s nothing. Chris Christie once ate half a ham straight out of a Dumpster.
• Obama even appeared on Jerry Seinfeld’s show, “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.” How about less “comedians in cars getting coffee” and more “presidents in the White House getting legislation passed through both houses of Congress.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

• Sarah Palin appeared in Iowa today to endorse Donald Trump for president. Though I think she just likes him because “Trump” sounds like a name she would give one of her kids — Bristol, Willow, Track, and Trump.
• According to a recent poll, Hillary Clinton has a better chance than Bernie Sanders at beating Donald Trump. While Martin O’Malley still has a good chance of beating traffic.