Stuck in the Middle With You

Remember that old song, “Stuck In The Middle With You.” There’ll be a quiz later. Wanna know who’s gonna win the election? It’s so easy. Just go to a Vegas odds maker, and ask the odds on Trump and Hillary. If one is ten to one, and the other is two to one, or even, that’s your man (or woman.) Put you money on the lower odds, and go pick out your beach house. This election has been the most entertaining ever in the history of the United States. On one side you have Bonnie Parker, and on the other you have Frank Hamer with a bank account. Bonnie lost that election by the way. Actually got shot more than Clyde.

I have to tell you, I laughed more yesterday than I have in a long time, and I was SOBER! Now, this article is going to scatter around a bit, but bear with me, ok? It started with a news story about some Amish cat up in Ohio or someplace who got caught with ten little girls. I know, I know, it’s distasteful, but work with me on this. Anyway, this guy finds an Amish couple with ten girls. So, he tells them that he’s Jesus Christ, and they need to give him their daughters, and they DID it! I’m not laughing about the little girls, I’m laughing at the stupidity of the parents. The neighbors are all calling up the police for YEARS as babies are ground out, and eventually we see the news footage of “Jesus” being led away in chains. The got with the parents too. I thought all the people who looked like that were in Arkansas playing a banjo on a bridge. You always have to accentuate the positive. I considered that during the next spring break, I grow my hair and beard out, get me an SUV, find a case of Jim Beam, go to the University of Texas, pick up five co-eds, tell them that I’m Jesus Christ, and tool out to Lake Travis. Don’t tell me it won’t work. I’ve met UT co-eds!

Then we have the Hillary health news. Someone sent me the idea that she has this little box attached to her back, just above her butt that gives the appearance of a microphone transmission device, but it’s not! It’s actually an electronic surge thingy that sends a burst up her ass to her brain when she has one of those head rolling moments we’ve all come to know and love. It has been alleged that she had a certain pungent odor long about this time, too. Right after the zap she does the head bob thing, breaks into that smile that some plastic surgeon sewed on her face, craps her drawers, and makes some disjointed comment about coffee. I Crappith Thee NOT! You can’t make this stuff up, folks. Picture this; Hillary and Putin sit down to discuss World War III. Suddenly, Hillary rolls her eyes, bobs her head, cuts a long blue fart, and asks Putin about the price of vodka. The good part is at this point, Putin gives her anything she wants because her finger is on that button ya’ll are all scared that Trump will have access to, and skedaddles out of the room to go ride a horse.

I saw my friend, Doc Greene fillet Chelsea Clinton yesterday. She shows up to tell a couple hundred people what a wonderful mom she had, and he asked her one simple question about the eradication of his VA benefits. She gave some stock answer, so he had to ask her again. Right before this, by the way, he interviewed a Hillary supporter who had mange on the back offer head and green teeth, asking HER if Vince Foster would be making an appearance with little Miss Clinton, to which she said she didn’t know, but when she realized she’s been punked she brought up Paula Jones, telling him she knew where he was going with this line of questioning. No, baby, she was at the second debate. I really didn’t hear much of Miss Clinton’s speech. She was wearing these skin tight leotards, and I kept wondering what she’d do if I told her I was Jesus Christ.

I spent a good part of the day trying to find a picture of Hillary and Huma in bed. Oh yeah, I’m gonna go there. Seems there is a theory that these two gals are, shall we say, “fond” of each other? What we’re seeing roll out of the Weiner scandal is really a lover’s spat, according to the gossip. The whole thing is boiling down into some kind of coup to take over the government as the FBI pimps itself all over Fox News leaking more than grandma during visitation at the nursing home . I didn’t care about Hillary, but I really did wanna see Huma naked. Hey! She’s of age! I mean Weiner ain’t doing her no good, right? Now these two women have aspirations, people, and “Mangy Hair” up in Wisconsin is going to vote for Hillary. I swear to God I’m moving back to Death Valley!

Now I’m bi-partisan, but I’m going to tell you right up front that I wouldn’t follow Hillary into a whore house. After Donald’s little back of the bus scandal, I probably would follow him. The election is about five days away. We sit like the condemned, waiting for the warden to come. Jokers to the left, jokers to the right, and I’m stuck in the middle with you, and there will be no stay of execution. I’m going to publish this, and then go shopping for an SUV.

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