Well, this grand republic of ours had a heck of run, kids. I’m going to hate to see it go, but the election of Donald Trump has permanently dimmed the beacon of freedom. I know this because Lady Gaga said so. According to her royal Gaga-ness, Trump’s defeat of Hillary Clinton has left the women of America “fighting for their lives!” Obviously, a nation in which women must fend off government-sanctioned hit squads just to get to the yoga studio has left democracy in the mirror. And don’t even come at me with any doubts about her Gaga-ship; if trusting the apocalyptic visions of someone who staples cold cuts to her party dress is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right.
If Dame Gaga’s forecast of doom and gloom isn’t enough for you, her opinion is backed the considerable weight of a whole bunch of other rich, weird people. Comedienne Sarah Silverman called Trump’s election “the Great Depression.. Our bodies r breaking down w fear & rage…” It’s worth noting that none of these leading lights are so distraught at the prospect of their bodies “breaking down” that they’re keeping their promises to relocate to Canada. I’m sure they would have, were it not for the fact that they can’t get their brand of quinoa’n’kale smoothies in Vancouver.
The hysteria spread through college campuses faster than chlamydia through Burning Man. Hundreds of denizens of the ivy-clad walls marched to demand — well, they were a little unclear on that. Some wanted an end to the Electoral College, demonstrating a gap in their poli-sci department’s curriculum. Others proclaimed their campuses “sanctuaries” for illegal aliens, often with the encouragement of the faculty. I’m sure mommy and daddy are both thrilled that their little darling is pooping away the price of a medium-sized home on cutting class every time someone forms a protest drum circle in the quad. Still others share their grown-up pals’ desire to cut out the middle man and want someone to give Trump the ol’ Vince Foster; while the more delicate snowflakes retreated to “safe spaces” for post-electoral “grief counseling.”
In America’s “bluer” cities, residents poured into the streets to voice their disapproval with the election results through vandalism, looting and violence. Evidently, if you plan to “stay woke,” you must throw a brick through someone’s window, nab a new flat screen and put the boot to a white guy with the wrong bumper sticker on his car. One demonstrator held up a sign reading “Rape Melania.” Let’s all close our eyes for a moment and imagine how our “progressive” betters would perceive the entire gathering if one attendee made a similar suggestion about the current first lady. Keep in mind, we’re talking about people who think a confederate flag bumper sticker in the parking lot means the whole place is filled with Klan members, and everyone who voted for Trump is Hitler. OMG!
Some of the more responsible corporate citizens got in on the anti-Trump clamor. Shoes.com announced they were dropping Ivanka Trump’s line of products saying they “want to support our customers and make sure they can continue to stand tall.” Nothing says you support strong women than refusing to do business with one because some of your friends don’t like her old man. Packetsled CEO Matt Harrigan went full Democrat; openly broadcasting his plans on social media. “I’m going to kill the president. Elect…getting a sniper rifle and perching myself where it counts.” I guess “gun violence” is cool when deployed against the right victim.
Democratic politicians, always ready to put partisanship behind in favor of the common good, gave the fire a good dousing of gasoline. Senator Elizabeth Warren sent Trump a scathing letter demanding he fire members of his transition team. Not for nothing, Fauxcahontas, but since your little friends are trying to scalp people for not voting the way you wanted, maybe you should think about dialing back the warpath yammer. Joining Warren on the outrage bus was outgoing Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid who claimed Trump’s victory has “sparked a wave of hate crimes across America.” You’ll have to forgive Harry for spreading it on a little thick. He hasn’t been the same since that renegade piece of exercise equipment dotted his eye. President Obama doubtless wanted Hillary’s zombie horde to at least lay off the threats to rape the incoming first lady, but he was busy trying to convince people to believe in a magical land where Obamacare can get you comprehensive medical coverage for less than the cost of your cell phone bill. And the old girl herself? She’s out wandering the neighborhood in search of people with whom she can have “random hiking encounters.”
In less than two weeks since the election, the left has thrown — and continues to throw — one of the greatest hissy fits since Mao’s Red Guards turned China into a non-stop party. And the ones who aren’t tearing their hair out are shrieking their encouragement. They’re absolutely convinced that this is how America will finally fall; and doing everything they can to make sure it does. I, on the other hand, am absolutely convinced that while the jury’s still out on America’s future, we are witnessing the death rattle of the American left. I mean, the whole freakshow has been entertaining, but if you can’t handle the emotional weight of Old Lady Clinton losing, then I can’t take you seriously — no matter what kind of food you pin to your clothes.
— Ben Crystal