Spending Money Like a Redneck That Won the Lottery

Spending Money Like a Redneck That Won the Lottery

by Charlie Robinson

The United States government spends money like a redneck that won the lottery. Everybody knows the money is going to be gone soon; it’s just a matter of how many Camaros are going to be bought, tricked out, and totaled before the money finally runs out.

We all know that the United States spends far too much money on their military, and this is a very serious problem that has consumed trillions and trillions of dollars over the past couple of decades.

“The U.S. government has a technology, called a printing press (or today, its electronic equivalent), that allows it to produce as many U.S. dollars as it wishes at no cost.” – Ben Bernanke, former Chairman, Federal Reserve. 

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong!

The wasteful spending of the government is not limited to just the military. The American government prides themselves on being creative when it comes to flushing taxpayer money down the toilet.

The American military budget for 2014 was $596 billion, more than the yearly military budgets of China, Saudi Arabia, Russia, United Kingdom, India, France, and Japan combined.

Here are some incredibly stupid things that the federal government has been spending money on lately.

#1 The U.S. government is spending $750,000 on a new soccer field for detainees held at Guantanamo Bay.

The downside is that they get waterboarded at halftime instead of getting orange wedges. Do they play shirts vs. skinned?

#2 A total of $10,000 of U.S. taxpayer money was actually used to purchase talking urinal cakes in Michigan.

Remember, don’t eat the big blue mint.

#3 The U.S. government spent $175,587 “to determine if cocaine makes Japanese quail engage in sexually risky behavior”.

Cocaine makes everybody engage in sexually risky behavior, haven’t you been to Las Vegas?

#4 The U.S. government spent $200,000 on a “tattoo removal program” in Mission Hills, California.

The boys at MS-13 are going to get right on that program.

#5 The federal government has shelled out $3 million to researchers at the University of California at Irvine to fund their research on video games such as World of Warcraft.

Someone is going to cast a “Level 12 Invisibility Spell” on any women within three miles of that place.

#6 The Department of Health and Human Services plans to spend $500 million on a program that will, among other things, seek to solve the problem of 5-year-old children that “can’t sit still” in a kindergarten classroom.

They’re kids, and kids don’t sit still for anyone, even Santa. Do you know why? Because they are five years old and they are kids. They should spend that money to find out how stupid people keep getting jobs that allow them to spend $500 million on garbage like this.

#7 Fannie Mae is about to ask the federal government for another $4.6 billion bailout, and it will almost certainly get it.

Worst stripper name of all-time.

#8 The federal government once spent $30 million on a program that was designed to help Pakistani farmers produce more mangos.

This seems very reasonable. Everybody loves mangos from Pakistan.

#9 The U.S. Department of Agriculture once gave researchers at the University of New Hampshire $700,000 to study methane gas emissions from dairy cows.

Who spends $700,000 on cow farts when everyone knows you can get cow farts for free?

#10 According to USA Today, 13 different government agencies “fund 209 different science, technology, engineering and math (STEM) education programs — and 173 of those programs overlap with at least one other program.”

Well, luckily Common Core is on the way to fix everything…in 114 infuriating steps.

#11 A total of $615,000 was given to the University of California at Santa Cruz to digitize photos, T-shirts and concert tickets belonging to the Grateful Dead.

Finally, a reasonable way to spend half a million dollars.

#12 China lends us more money than any other foreign nation, but that didn’t stop our government from spending $17.8 million on social and environmental programs for China.

China spent $5 million on the lead up to the Beijing Olympics to educate the people that it is not alright to blow out snot rockets in public. It didn’t stop the problem.

#13 The U.S. government once spent $2.6 million dollars on training Chinese prostitutes to drink responsibly.

The problem is really the Japanese businessmen that get bombed after work and pass out on the trains, leave the Chinese hookers alone.

#14 One professor at Stanford University was given $239,100 to study how Americans use the Internet to find love.

One word: porn.

#15 The U.S. Postal Service spent $13,500 on a single dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.

Anything to keep them from shooting all of us is money well spent.

#16 The National Science Foundation once spent $216,000 to study whether or not politicians “gain or lose support by taking ambiguous positions”.

Is that a euphemism for getting a blowjob?

#17 A total of $1.8 million was spent on a “Museum of Neon Signs” in Las Vegas, Nevada.

How about studying why so many people in Las Vegas get hit by drunk drivers at 8:00 am?

#18 The federal government spends $25 billion a year maintaining federal buildings that are either unused or a totally worthless facility.

That is not a very nice thing to say about the people working at the IRS.

#19 U.S. farmers are given a total of $2 billion each year for not farming their land.

Wow, how much do you think they would be willing to pay us to not show up for work tomorrow?

#20 The U.S. government handed one Tennessee library $5,000 for the purpose of hosting a series of video game parties.

That sounds like fun, but we all know there are no libraries in Tennessee.

#21 A few years ago the government spent $123,050 on a Mother’s Day Shrine in Grafton, West Virginia. It turns out that Grafton only has a population of a little more than 5,000 people.

That works out to around $1,000 per tooth if the math is correct.

#22 One professor at Dartmouth University was given $137,530 to create a “recession-themed” video game entitled “Layoff”.

Oh, those wacky Ivy League assholes. A game about other people suffering, that’s hilarious.

Screw you Dartmouth.

#23 According to the Heritage Foundation, the U.S. military spent “$998,798 shipping two 19-cent washers from South Carolina to Texas and $293,451 sending an 89-cent washer from South Carolina to Florida”.

This is how they secretly pay for things like hiring a hit man to kill the guy writing stories about the government spending $293,451 on sending washers across the country.

#24 The Department of Agriculture spent $2 million to fund an internship program. The program hired one full-time intern.

Who the hell did they hire, Orville Redenbacher?

#25 The National Institutes of Health paid researchers $400,000 to find out why gay men in Argentina engage in risky sexual behavior when they are drunk.

Why not just ask any member of the Heritage Foundation?

#26 Over the past 15 years, a total of approximately $5.25 million has been spent on hair care services for the U.S. Senate.

Just think how much higher that number would have been if Rod Blagojevich had been a Senator instead of a Governor.

#27 The National Institutes of Health once spent $800,000 in stimulus funds to study the impact of a “genital-washing program” on men in South Africa.

Seriously, stimulus funds? The jokes write themselves.

#28 According to the Washington Post, 1,271 different government organizations work on government programs related to counterterrorism and homeland security.

The terrorists are in Washington D.C., and the Washington Post probably knows that.

#29 Last year, $120 million was paid to dead federal employees. Also last year, a total of $146 million was paid for federal employees to upgrade their flights to business class.

Presumably living employees.

#30 The feds once gave Alaska Airlines $500,000 “to paint a Chinook salmon” on the side of a Boeing 737.

Rumor has it that Joe Biden once had flames painted on the side of his Trans Am.

The next time the United States government complains about not having enough money to fund essential services like schools, just remind them to simply cut back on the money spent on maintaining empty federal buildings and their obsession with why gay men do certain things.

If common sense business people ran the government like a business, none of these items would survive after money-losing year after money-losing year. But then again, when has common sense ever been part of the equation?

Charlie Robinson is the author of The Octopus of Global Control, now available on Amazon.