Earth Day Horrors: Killer Cereal, Deaf Fish, and Oysters with Herpes!

Look guys, today is Earth Day, which means one thing: WE ARE DOOMED! Hey, don’t scream at me — this is the consensus of the scientific community. Okay, in actuality, it is the consensus of the media covering the scientific community, but this is serious stuff!

As long as you don’t analyze their claims.

Beginning from the very first Earth Day in 1970 there are issues. Much of the prolix coming from that event concerned us freezing to death from the inevitable approaching ice age. Also famine was due to wipe out billions, pollution would block the sun, and we’d run out of oil…uh, 30 years ago.

Well, we listened to those campfire horror stories and took action; look what happened.These days our oil usage is heating up the planet as we are killing people with an excess of GMO foodstuffs. We can’t win. As most know, it is all the fashion rage to worry about global warming. Uh, climate change. That’s the updated label for our impending calamity. Because one thing is certain with our environmental future: whatever happens, it will be disastrous!

I wish to help you out today, on this Birthday of the Earth! In the name of education here are just some of the promised disasters. Let us begin with nature, the first victim  in this natural disaster.

Obviously many species are going to die off, but of those that survive it will be a far different life. To start, hedgehogs will be going bald. Yes, I know — grievous news, but pull yourself together. It gets far worse. Our fish will start going deaf. Also, oysters will be plagued – by herpes. As for the remaining creatures that may survive? They will kill us.

There will be new sharks created, and they will all attack us more frequently. Crocodiles will be driven from the water to seek us out, vampire bats will become a plasma scourge, and jellyfish will turn predatory. Now, I can hear you thinking — “I’ll just avoid the ocean…and, bat environments!” Sorry.  Even benign garden creatures will take us over, be they earthworms, toads, or even those innocent-to-this-point slugs!

We may actually want to welcome these fatal attacks, given our own lifestyles will become a nightmarish hellscape! Just look at our food supply. Say goodbye to guacamole. Like Italian food? Too bad, pasta is on its way out. If you like cereal in the morning it is buyer beware, because “killer cornflakes” will be arriving. And not only will the lack of snow diminish Christmas but we will lose gingerbread houses in the process!

As a society global warming means we are poised to devolve into a morass of incivility. Slavery is going to make a big comeback. The rising heat means women will be cheating while on vacation, and those who cannot afford to travel will surely be turning to prostitution. All of the remaining women will be victims of the rapes that are sure going to become all the rage; but be sure all these busy ladies will notice more of their attackers are not circumcised.

And I don’t think I am shocking anyone here, because I know everyone already assumes that we will see more witch executions as the temperatures rise.

Always Settle For More

One thing that is constantly beaten over my head with a snow shovel is how this environmental disaster is assured. All the scientists agree — It’s Settled! (The science, that is.) Now I am open to these theories, except I have one quibble. In looking over the data that is offered up as “indisputable proof” that Global Wa– … that is, Climate Change is a certainty, I have one question:

Why is so  much  of the settled data contradictory?

Let’s start with the effects on the planet. AGW will make the oceans saltier; also it will lead to the oceans become less salty???

The change in climate is having a negative effect by making ocean waves much bigger. It is also having a negative impact by making the waves… much smaller.

Global warming is going to have a disastrous effect on the coral reefs. The good news there is something to help the reefs grow; global warming.

Part of the reason we’ll be heating up is due to heat-trapping clouds. Unless, an increase in clouds reflect the sunlight and shade the planet. OR, we’ll see a decrease in clouds altogether which will have the opposite effect, which is either bad, or good. Truthfully, when it comes to discussing this subject it is advisable to just avoid any mention of clouds at all.

The Earth’s rotation will become affected by GW. We just cannot be sure if it will start turning faster or slowing down. Whichever happens, I’m sure it’s bad.

Mountain regions will experience more avalanches. Also, mountain regions will see fewer avalanches. Probably best to just hope for the best.

The effect climate change will have on the plant life of the planet is readily reported, but  some of these reports are barking up the wrong weather-affected tree.

The effects of climate change will cause a stunting of tree growth, spurred by deforestation. The good news is this will spur a faster growth of trees, leading to an expansion of our forests.

The impact will also make trees less colorful… while causing them to exhibit more color.

Farming will experience a severe negative impact from drought and a loss of soil, and at the same time farming will experience an expansion.

Specific crops will be affected. Bananas will actually increase in production due to a warmer climate. Oh wait, nope – the increase in predatory bugs will kill them off. Sorry.

Also affected will be truffles. We just have not decided if they will become more plentiful, or if there will be a shortage.

With all this cancelled out stress I know what you are thinking: Surely this will have an impact on beer, correct? Of course! It will either be horrible for hops production, or will lead to cleaner water from melting ice caps. Whichever the case, one thing we know for certain, beer will become more expensive.

The animal kingdom also gives us numerous paradoxes. Butterflies are at once imperiled by environmental alterations, and they are rescued.

Recall those oysters contracting STDs? Well the good news is if they don’t die they will become gigantic in size.

Amphibians are breeding earlier, except for those which are breeding later.

Penguin chicks are threatened, but we cannot decide how. Either they have to deal with increased rain and heat, or they will become frozen to death. Whichever is the case, those little guys are screwed.

Perhaps of all the definitive guess work one conflict illustrates the bi-polarity of the hysteria best: We cannot even come to a decision on pirates.

The experts are even unsettled on whether we are going to see more of the privateers, or fewer buccaneers due to global warming.

That strikes me as an extensive list of combative data offered up as proof for a subject said to be iron-clad settled. But I suppose if everything can be blamed on global warming then it doesn’t matter if half of those things cancel them out.

All I know is I am racing to get a bowl of cereal now, before it rears up and kills me!

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