5 things successful people do every day to avoid being a Lib Dem

(satire?)

Do you wake up each morning feeling stressed and anxious about the workday ahead of you? Do you feel fear and dread at the thought of going into the office?

If so – like a lot of people just before an election – you’re probably worrying that you might be a Lib Dem.

Worry no more!

Here are 5 things successful people do every day to avoid becoming a Lib Dem:

1. When you first wake up, sit down for five minutes with a pen and a piece of paper.

In big letters write down every principle and belief you have ever held. Then carry the paper around with you and keep it somewhere handy so that throughout the day, you can regularly check your list to make sure you haven’t sold any of them. Simple!

2. Say the following words out loud: “Today I am not going to be a lying cumbucket”

Yes, you’re most likely going to feel weird saying this at first. That’s completely fine. Say it in private if you need to, but just say it.

The purpose of this is to pass a command from your conscious mind to your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind wants to believe what you tell it (good or bad), and it will do whatever it takes to turn those commands into reality.

So when you tell your subconscious mind that today you’re not going to be a dissimulating, double-dealing dickwit, your brain is going to try to do whatever it can to make that happen.

Go on! Don’t worry about the neighbours. Shout it out loud: “Today I refuse to be a duplicitous, two-faced twat.” And keep repeating it throughout the day.

3. Learn to say “no”!

Yep, I know it’s hard, but you really need to stop automatically doing whatever any right-wing Prime Minister who you might bump into throughout the day tells you to do. And that doesn’t mean saying “maybe” or “perhaps” but articulating a clear and resounding “NO”!

This will take some practice, but try saying it out loud a few times to yourself at first to get used to it. Begin with the ‘N’ sound and follow through with a long ‘O’ sound. And while you’re saying it, try really hard to make sure you are not to allowing the letters ‘Y’ ‘E’ or ‘S’ or the phrase “oh alright then, if you say so David” find their way into the middle of the word.

4. Try to spend more quality time with your closest pledges and promises

When you’re busy, it’s really easy to take your closest pledges for granted. But it’s important you spend as much quality time with your most valuable promises in order to get connected and stay connected. Some people choose to meet up with their pledges every Wednesday for example, and the rest of the days they will just spend time with their close promises. Perhaps arrange regular days-out at the zoo or the park for just you and your pledges. It all depends on how you allocate your time.

And don’t forget nearly 100% of Lib Dems end up with broken pledges. So a bit of romance with your chosen vows is important too!

5. Do this bed time routine every night before you go to sleep

If you want to be successful, you need to go through what you did during the day before you go to sleep. And if you discover you’ve spent the day breaking every pledge you’ve ever made and selling out your principles and everything you’ve ever stood for and believed in to the highest bidder for the sake of a seat at a cabinet table and a chauffeur-driven government car – it means you have most probably become a Lib Dem and you MUST take action IMMEDIATELY. Preferably by publicly issuing an apology while at the same time nailing your scrotum to the floor in an act of penance and contrition.

It might not be enough to save you at this election but at least it’ll make sure you never do it again.

This simple, five-minute practice can help drastically change your attitude and allow you to create the best Lib Dem free future ever, every single day of your life!

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