US Presidential Election, 2024

A peak into the future of democracy

Scoping out the range of deserving Presidential minorities whose Time Had Come, in early 2022 Democratic HQ candidate agents drew up a list of the combinations most likely to appease an increasingly angry electorate.

This is a page capture of that first draft list:Deep underground – in the Mayor Daley Memorial Chicago Bubble-Silo – the Party’s Big Beasts met during Lent to decide which candidature typologies to give up on….and which stood the best chance of beating President Trump’s chosen successor, Tiger Woods.

Option 3 – white Anglo-Saxon protestant male – was dismissed on the grounds of being certain to alienate liberal media and pressure group opinion leaders from Day One. The sole dissenting voice on the issue (Cambridge Mass strategy guru Mick O’Banion) was  dismissed from further involvement in the candidate typology choice process.

Party hardliners next rejected the hispanic transexual candidate Option 1 as being unable to unite the Nation….given that the GOP’s strong suit was undoubtedly its appeal to those who oppose illegal wetbacks and depraved sodomites.

Option 4 was the next to go, because the fundamentalist Truth about God’s heavy working schedule would be cancelled out by the diabolical nature of Catholic priests who’d been recruited to do his Holy Works.

There was much interest in, and debate about, the Native American Nazi alternative at Option 6. It was felt that the Red Man’s wisdom and love of conservation would bring in liberal Greens, while the unique combo of hating the Jews (a popular theme on the Left) and the banning of the Politically Correct would attract, respectively, radical Democrats and redneck Republicans. The problem was that most people round the table concluded that Adolf Sitting Bull would be damned hard to find.

Option 2 – the Jihadi pacifist – was judged to be a bold idea bordering on genius: it offered the lachrymose salvation of the American enemy for the Right, and the latterly revived hippy isolationism increasingly embraced by Babyboomer liberal geriatrics. But on balance, the majority of those present were clear about one thing: Americans like guns. Any such candidate would, it was agreed, fall foul of the National Rifle Association at the first fence.

Many silo dwellers were initially attracted to the KKK integrationist candidate at Option 5. It had oodles of irony for the East Coast Establishment, and an innate attraction for those Dixiecrats still unable, sixty years on, to grasp the concept of irony in any way whatsoever. But seasoned campaigners felt that the positioning had been Trumped by the GOP’s Tiger Woods candidacy. In particular, Mr Woods’ adopted slogan – “Let’s give the White Folks an even break” – had more than enough irony in it for Americans to digest, without complicating matters further.

Initially, there was a huge amount of support for the maladjusted gun nut at Option 8. The NRA donations would break all records, research showepd that 93% of all Americans would assassinate every candidate they didn’t like, and the lone killer ideal had a profound appeal to cross-Party idealism about the American good-guy personified by Gary Cooper, John Wayne and Tiny Tim. But there was much fear about a Truman Capote backlash.

This left the committee with one theoretical route: the Option 7 conservative dolphin. But while it was generally agreed that training a dolphin to salute the flag without any desire to kill any member of Homo sapiens would be a relatively straightforward task, a unanimity soon developed as to the tricky nature of press conferences where the candidate could only answer questions in Dolphin….a language as yet impenetrable to the human race.