Head-choppers release statement on Khashoggi murder

From the desk of the Chief Head Chopper (advisor: Mr Barrister Tony Blair)

“Mr Khashoggi came to the consulate to straighten out a visa matter. Unfortunately, after he was locked in the reception room, he took fright at a number of Saudi butchers attending purely in a ceremonial role, dressed in their colourful tribal costume of forensic overalls, masks and bone-saws. Mr Khashoggi unfortunately panicked and in his attempts to open the locked door, struggled with two security heavies who restrained him for his own safety. It was at that point that Mr Khashoggi stumbled against a head-chopping sword and regrettably amputated his fingers. Whilst attempting to administer first aid, the butchers inadvertently began to dismember him from the legs upwards. Mr Khashoggi did not survive the lamentable accident.

Lessons have been learned. The butchers are being sent for first-aid retraining.”