Should You Attend Bonnaroo?

Excited to continue my series on nearby music festivals because now we get to ask the important question – Should I go to Bonnaroo? If you keep up with music at all, you’ve heard of this place. It’s in the middle of nowhere southern Tennessee and is considered amongst the top (if not the top) U.S. festival each year. This coming year marks my fifth straight in attendance and it’s not for everyone. With so much information to cover, I’m going to use a question and answer style to help you decide if attending is right for you and your loved ones.

ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT CAMPING? Look, this isn’t solo camping in the Alaskan Wilderness. There are food stations and a general store. But you do need an adequate camp site with plenty of shade. One year two guys from Canada showed up with a tent and two chairs. That’s it. They would sit outside their tent and fry like bacon. Bring things that make your stay more comfortable. I prefer a cot because sleeping on the ground hurts. DO NOT GENERAL ADMISSION CAR CAMP. I can’t stress this enough. You have two viable options – Tent only or Groop Camping (costs extra).  Also – pay for showers. It’s worth it.

DO YOU NEED MORE THAN THREE – FOUR HOURS OF SLEEP A NIGHT? Your typical day goes like this: the hot TN sun overhead at 7 a.m. forces you out of your tent. You try to sleep in a chair in the shade until about ten or so. Then you head into “centeroo” (the stages, vendors, etc. area) around eleven since music starts before noon each day. You typically stand/walk the rest of the day. Music ends around 4:00 a.m. each night. You go to bed in your tent. Rinse, repeat.

CAN YOU BE WITHOUT YOUR PHONE FOR A WEEK? This is important because although everyone has their phone at the festival, there are two forces working against you. One is terrible service. I haven’t been able to send/receive text messages ever inside centeroo. *SIDERANT* Which sucks because a few years ago Bonnaroo went to waiting and sending “alerts” about cool impromptu things happening during the fest on their twitter feed. TWITTER DOESN’T WORK ON THE FARM. Because of this stupidity, I missed a secret Deer Tick show after midnight where they performed only Nirvana songs. *ENDRANT* Second, it’s a losing battle keeping that thing charged. Nothing makes me hate humanity more than seeing people wait in lines for hours and hours to get to drop off their phone at a charging station. Seriously, stay at home.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH TENNESSEE WEATHER IN JUNE? It’s going to be hot. The only question is how hot. The first year I went temps were in the 100s and it felt like the end times.  In 2012 it was in the mid 80s. You can always count on the humidity, it’s like that guy at work who tries to talk to you about Big Bang Theory reruns. What you don’t want is wind gusts at the end of the festival. Because even though there is grass planted when you arrive, by Saturday it’s all gone and that wind triggers dust-storms. Tie down your campsite good because winds were so bad one year it was flying tents/canopies far, far away. Two out of the last three years there has been a rain storm.  Here’s the god’s honest truth – I know you are excited to play dress up Hippie, we’ve all been there. But dress comfortably above all else. It’s not a damn fashion show and you sure as hell aren’t going to out-weird anyone at this fest.

CAN YOU HANDLE THE HIGH-SCHOOLERS? The high school kids are by far my least favorite Bonnaroo attendee group. They are just awful and their parents should be sent to Alcatraz. You’ll recognize them by lack of clothing, glow-in-the-dark body paint and unable to handle their party favors.

YOU LIKE STANDING IN TIGHT GROUPS OF PEOPLE? Look, I’m tall. At least I can see over and not start to panic after a while. But still, it is uncomfortable. You stand in groups before shows and during shows. As the festival has become more crowded, it is necessary to get to stages earlier to get a good spot but this means rubbing elbows with the masses.

CAN YOU CONFRONT YOUR FEAR OF OTHER PEOPLE’S POO? I wish I could sit here and tell you that you’ll escape the festival turd free. That just isn’t going to be the case. It will be in random places so you’ll always need to be on the lookout. *PRO-TIP* I know you’ve probably heard this before but it bears repeating – NEVER EVER LOOK DOWN A PORTA POTTY. IN FACT, DON’T EVEN USE YOUR FLASHLIGHT.  Our campsite usually revolves around lots of ez-up canopies that have walls on them. These walls stop about half a foot to the ground so you can see underneath them outside. I was sleeping on a cot and my friend was on another cot in an adjoining ez-up. This was our exchange one morning:

                Him: something smells like shiznit. (not sure of tumblrs rules so I’ll be safe)

                Me: it’s Saturday at bonnaroo, this whole place smells like shiznit.

                Him: No. No I see it.

And there it was right under a wall in front of someone’s tent. Luckily someone in our group took it upon himself to get rid of it but you will have to face your fears at some point.

Calm down. I’m not trying to scare you but It’s important to realize just what you are getting yourself into. Now that I’ve outlined the risks, let’s focus on what you do get to do in attendance from Wednesday until Monday:

·         People watch. Holy moly the people watching. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people who take hula-hooping seriously but super-suck at it.

·         Live your dream to participate in a drum circle that goes on for days. These people don’t contribute to society and like the hoola-hoopers, they take banging their hands on a single drum waaaaaay too seriously. Absolutely nothing funnier.

·         Comedy shows. It’s air conditioned! I’ve gotten the chance to see a show every year and it’s a great place to have few laughs and drink a wine cooler.

·         Listen to great music. Lost in the hoopla is you get to see the best music in the world. Every genre from tons of artists. I can go from bluegrass to rock to Ice Cube in the span of a few hours.

·         Take a week off from everything. I love my world wide web ya’ll but it feels good to leave it all behind for days.

·         Wander around. Take some time and head to the giant craft beer tent, play some beach volleyball, check out a small tent of a band you don’t know or throw a Frisbee with strangers.

It’s one of the best weeks of the year for me. If you have any questions or suggestions, hit me up on twitter @bryan_CTP. Have fun out there and remember to bring Gold Bond. It makes all the difference.

That green circle is me for Paul McCartney last year. nbd