Best & Stupidest This Week: The UK Wars with Cutlery, Offers Knife-Free Chicken Boxes & Tales of Murder for Dinner

Are you chicken? I mean scared of knives.

Just wondering, because you are what you eat.

And you should be: Knives are extremely scary. I’m talking about eating utensils.

The UK understands — it’s now providing warnings on its boxes for takeout fried chicken.

Yes — it’s that stupid.

Sky News reports:

Special chicken boxes warning about the dangers of carrying a knife are to be distributed to takeaways across England and Wales by the government. More than 320,000 of them – featuring the Home Office #knifefree campaign – will replace the standard packaging in 210 outlets.

Witness “Knife Free” boxes:

We are rolling out our #KnifeFree chicken boxes in over 210 chicken shops in England and Wales, including Morley’s, Dixy Chicken and Chicken Cottage. They use real life stories to show people how they can go #KnifeFree. pic.twitter.com/vrG4WWa56v

— Home Office (@ukhomeoffice) August 14, 2019

Newsflash to the Watchers: Knives were created because people needed knives. They’re tools of use.

It gets better: Like bubblegum wrappers with jokes on ’em or sugary cereal with a maze on the back, the boxes feature true stories of people who were victimized by knife attacks. Because that’s what you want with dinner.

We’re really livin’ in a happy-go-lucky, festive time.

Can we go back to the 80’s? The 50’s? How ’bout the late 60’s — those people were protesting the horrors of war, yet they still managed to be so free they were gettin’ nekkid in the mud at concerts. Not advisable, but among the turmoil, there remained a feeling of fun. Check out the music of the era.

Now so much is…glum.

SJWs’ smiles are upside down. Can’t imagine those revolutionaries Woodstockin’ it. Mud is probably a trigger — spelled backwards, it’s dum. And insulting words are violence.

The morose chicken boxes of knife-free safety (because you can’t be trusted with sharp objects) are being offered at chicken chains Morley’s, Chicken Cottage, and Dixy Chicken. Earlier this year, across 15 branches, Morley’s gave out 20,000 of ’em.

Some chicken joints will display #KnifeFree messages.

Morley’s Managing Director Shan Selvendran hailed the coolness:

“We want to promote being knife free by using custom chicken boxes to deliver the message and start conversations amongst all of our customers.”

And Policing Minister Kit Malthouse praised the boxes’ theme — that very thing for which every hungry hipster hankers…you know what y’all want. That’s right — every box offers that most delicious of preferred culinary companions: “Tragic consequences.”

From Sky News:

[Kit] said they will “bring home” to young people the “tragic consequences” of carrying a knife, and “challenge the idea that it makes you safer”.

He added: “The government is doing everything it can to tackle the senseless violence that is traumatising communities and claiming too many young lives, including bolstering the police’s ranks with 20,000 new police officers on our streets.”

Now let’s get to back to that tremendous tweet.

Enjoy the responses (and forgive the language, please):

How did you wankers ever manage to control 1/4 of this planet?

— Fredo N. Twittur (@fredontwittur) August 14, 2019

When a civilization dies. pic.twitter.com/e1iPpPq0MV

— Hong Kong Donger (@atlharp) August 14, 2019

This is the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen.

— Aaron Bastani (@AaronBastani) August 14, 2019

Honest to god if the best idea you have to tackle knife crime is to write stuff on fried chicken you should quit power forever in embarrassment, not tweet it out proudly like you’ve just solved world hunger you ridiculous sack of used dicks.

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 14, 2019

Chickens linked to guns idiots. It’s pizzas that are linked to knife crime.

— Alex (@HipstersChoice) August 14, 2019

Is this some kind of racist joke? If you were serious you’d be targetting video games and music not Chicken outlets.

PS I’m guessing no Black people were consulted or much employed in any chain of command that produced this grotesque racist trope failing before any consumption

— Paul de Souza (@_Paul_de_Souza) August 14, 2019

One user repented:

Hi I’m Rid and I’m a knifeaholic. I guess I’ve been using knives since I was quite young. Slicing bread, spreading butter, even cutting steak sometimes. I never realised how much I was hurting my friends, my family, myself, every time I made a sandwich.

— Ridnarhmym (@Ridnarhtim) August 14, 2019

Rorschach noted a decline:

What happened to you guys? Seriously, these are the people that stormed he beach of France? Why are you so neutered? My goodness.

— Rorschach (@TheWatchemen) August 14, 2019

@potatolover4200 I’m glad you’re safer now that they’ve done this

— Adam (@IndieMan23) August 14, 2019

This is pathetic.

— Annieone3 (@annieone3) August 14, 2019

I believe Jon Gray’s detected a critical error:

might increase fork crime though

— Jon Gray (@j0ngray) August 14, 2019

But just so you don’t walk away and think of the dangers of cutlet cutlery all day, I’ll leave you with something else, courtesy of the UK’s Regents Park Metropolitan Police Service. Protect and serves us, boys.

Bon Appétit:

These items were found during a #weaponSweep near #MackworthHouse #AugustasSt during #OpSceptre . Safely disposed and taken off the streets pic.twitter.com/53HdeqMKu1

— Regents Park Police (@MPSRegentsPark) March 16, 2018

-ALEX

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