We Just Throw Those Cards At Everyone

During my tirade talking to Sleep yesterday, I said something that hit close to home.

I’ve mentioned before that my emotional armor seems to be “missing.” Robin and I share this “over-sharing” feature to our characters. It means we have a nakedly honest friendship, but it also means that when things go wrong, our emotions blow up and we go BLAH over everyone around us.

I said to Sleep: “You know how most people hold some cards close to their chest? Well, Robin and I just fucking throw those cards at everyone! We have no fucking boundaries!” 

I was lamenting how I can’t seem to contain “the drama” when it hits me. I’m generally pretty evenly-keeled. Or at least, I WAS most of the time until just before and during my divorce. I feel in so many ways like the triggered PTSD makes me react in juvenile and overwrought ways, and it’s frankly humiliating!

When I was in therapy, the greatest ‘insight’ that I got to was the understanding that I need to develop more armor, and keep some cards close to my chest, and stop declaring everything outright.

Yet I seem addicted to “emotional exhibitionism”– just witness this blog! I mean, I bare it all even if that might come to bite me in the ass later (and it has, over the duration of keeping this thing from 2003 onwards…)

Why can’t I process feelings without witnesses? Why do I feel compelled to share my shit so much?

Partly I know it is because I feel alone and lonely, and more due to not having people witness my feelings than anything else. I grew up with a raging father who didn’t allow me ANY emotional outlet, even joy!– because he had to dominate the emotions of the home. It was all about him and HIS fucking drama. My mother gave me a blank wall when I spoke to her.  She barely ever reacted to anything I said! They say that children learn how to deal with emotions by being mirrorred and validated by their parents… well, no… that’s not how it went for me.

So I started writing in diaries at the age of 8 and it became a compulsion. I had to work it out in writing or I couldn’t move past all the little sticking points of life. I’m very verbal and very emotional, but also very intellectual and solitary. I seem to have come across blogging as one way to work out that conflict. I also did it because I like a LOT of reaction to what I say when I speak, and the possibility of witnesses (let alone commentary!) makes the world less lonely. Robin is my best friend because she really listens and reacts to my rants and raves. And she has the same need which I reciprocate.

Especially when what I’m feeling seems to get out of my reasoned control! I may be generally calm, but I can have these triggered over-reactions to things, especially in my youth and before/during/after the divorce, and I feel like I’m trying to make my way back to the sanity “save point” I had achieved in my recent past. Just 5 years ago, I felt in control, mature, and like leadership material. I’m struggling to find that mental space again.

So… throwing my cards out to people feels dangerous. I’ve over-shared so many times in my past and had it used against me. Yet I can’t seem to stop. I suppose I want a set of relationships where I have a few safe people I can be safe with, even when I get embarrassing at times. Ultimately, I’d love to just live a truly honest life and not feel scared to be real. I realize that’s unreasonable, but I can’t help wishing for it all the same.