A Type 4 Feeling Misunderstood As A Type 1 or 5 (My Line & Wing)

I’m having written and phone conversations with a friend and she doesn’t know the Enneagram, and so in explaining some pieces of it to her, I’m reminded of things…

One of my greatest frustrations in my life is feeling like I am not heard or understood (not by this friend, but rather in general by many people I’ve known or know). I keep feeling like I’m not really seen for myself, but rather for a construct of me others create. I feel like I’m always explaining myself and trying to prove I’m not THIS, but rather THAT. Over and over, the story of my social life.

When I manage to pin people down and question them as to what the heck is the problem– why are they so WHATEVER about me? What about me bugs them so much? And I keep getting accused of being the same things again and again.

I’m a Type 4, Enneagram-wise, but I’m misunderstood as being a Type 1 or Type 5!

This isn’t too shocking in some respects, as I use my Line to 1 and my 5 Wing to figure things out and solve problems. They’re a part of my tool kit that gets brought out when my 4ishness would just add to the quagmire. And so people think those things are what I am all the time. But they’re not. Not even close!

Check it out, from www.enneagramworldwide.com/type-comparisons

“Types 1 and 4

What’s similar: The Perfectionist (1) is the Romantic’s (4) security point, and the Romantic is the Perfectionist’s stress point. Both often express idealism, intensity, sensitivity, integrity, authenticity, self-reproach and a concern for self-improvement. Perfectionists in stress become discouraged and feel deficient. Romantics in security can express a critical idealism and demand perfection or exactness.

What’s different: Perfectionists’ idealism concerns correct behavior and getting it right, while Romantics’ idealism revolves around possibilities for ultimate fulfillment. Additionally, Perfectionists generally are self-restrained and suppress personal desires, while Romantics experience strong longings and desires, sometimes to the point of self-absorption.“

I don’t think 1 is always an “up” from 4, nor 4 the “down” for 1 so the “security point” and “stress point” are possible going both ways. But the point is that the line link means the types can and do dip into the other type’s box of tricks sometimes. But when it comes to the crucial differences– I’m less “judgey” than accused of being, and far more self-absorbed and into my own moods and longings. I don’t really CARE that much about other people’s shit! I sometimes rant about such things (hello– this you know!) but then I’m off to play in La-la 4-land of dreams and things that are better than this course reality. My 1 comes out when I’m frustrated by people’s bullshit interfering with my ability to go away and do my own thing. I rant and run away into my imagination. But people don’t witness what goes on between my ears, so they assume I’m just a ranter and not a sensitive sissy who can’t deal with reality– because that’s really more my problem!

The other thing I get mixed up as is:

“Types 4 and 5

What’s similar: Romantics (4) and Observers (5) are each other’s wings. Both can be analytical, introspective, internalized, sensitive and shy (yet appear superior). Depending on how much their wings influence them, some Romantics will appear more detached, and some Observers more in touch with their feelings.

What’s different: Romantics are the most feeling and emotional of the nine types. They often want more from others, and have difficulty keeping their personal boundaries. In contrast, Observers are the most detached of the nine types. They want less of others, and are more self-contained with clearer personal boundaries.“

People often mistakenly think I’m not into them, or some aloof, cold, calculating eccentric. I’m more often accused of the Type 1 thing, but my tendency to spend a lot of time alone allows some to assume that is what I prefer.

The funny thing is, though–? When I’m alone, I’m always imagining very social interactions within my pretend worlds! I do like to research and investigate, and build logical universes like a 5, but ultimately I then “move in” and proceed to the dramatic stories, which is what 4s love.

I’m VERY emotional, though I can feel the echo of my 5ness back there somewhere! I want more from others and my boundaries, as I recently complained about, are too damned permeable! I’m an open book and expose my cards and have NO GAME. I think of such armor as just “in my way” of getting to the heart or meat of other people. And it gets me in trouble regularly, but it’s a compulsion to share too much information. A part of me often gives up hope of getting closer to someone I cherish (like Tess, most recently) and then I’ll stop pulling and tugging from them once I realize it’s hopeless. I swear I throw private temper tantrums over it, though!

It is strange to me to be seen as other than what I am, especially as I don’t hide anything! I don’t share my pretend story worlds, but that’s where I’m the most naked. Still, even open books can be misread, it seems.