Loving Without Neediness

I’ve been thinking about some things since my last, um… ‘therapy‘ session. Although, it really is fair to call it a therapy session because I learn so many things on the psycho-social side of life as well as internal insight part of things.

Yes, I’ve managed to conquer some lifelong fears and bring my general anxiety levels down. That’s the healing what’s broken portion of my sessions.

The other portion is all about building new kingdoms. It’s about finding ways to bring out my healthy passions and grow in new psychological and social directions.

So– on the one hand, I try to find areas of pain to diminish, but on the other–? I must replace the old ways with new ones. Growing a better life is more than cutting out “the bad” or “the sick.” It’s about finding new good and new health!

Case in point: I know I have an issue feeling too desperate and needy too often in relationships. Then drama inevitably ensues.

So what gives? I’ve gone all over what needs to be less problematic, but what is the counter to that raw “oh my gawd, I’ll die if I’m not loved!” voice in my head? What is the more wholesome, spiritual, alternative?

WHAT IS LOVE WITHOUT FEAR? That is what I need to find and grow within myself…

Fearless love.

Because most of the pain comes from fear of loss of that love. Or fear that it is not enough. Or fear that one is not worthy of it. Or… or… or…!

Then there is a new mission in life. A quest, if you will, to discover what love enacted without fear feels like!

So I ask myself (in the session, which I did last weekend) “What do I want out of love? How do I imagine this?” and I don’t just mean romantic love, but also family love and friendship love. Even love of my home, or my passionate pursuits. All of the ways love manifests.

What I cherish in love: Being authentic and real enough that I can be myself, in all my glory and gore, and still feel okay with how I’m received. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and I want that to be completely okay. I want to step outside of judgment of myself by myself or others, and still exist as precious. I want to enjoy the part of me who is enthusiastically honest, without second-guessing and useless regrets. Mistakes should be okay and fixable, not the freaking end of the world! And I want to be open to taking in and accepting (without being overwhelmed) the worlds and passions of other people in my life. Really enjoying their flavors and colors! Mutual fan clubs. That’s the best to me.

This quest is beginning to manifest some discoveries and experiences. I can feel myself turning over into another way of existing on this subject. And yes, the mindset I feel when I’m on… Xtremely helpful meds has actually helped to teach me how this should feel. I’m already in that headspace when partaking. And ingesting it over time has brought an element of practice that makes it possible to envision and then ENACT a way of being in the world that doesn’t revolve around desolate scarcity.

As long as we’re alive, we have something to bring that’s abundant. Ourselves. Seems simple– and really is, but in practice, so much crap just gets in the way of it. How we’re raised in competition with others and fears of scarcity create the relational pattern that overtakes our lives. And then we get caught in LOOPS of bullshit. We get stuck in trying to rewrite our unsatisfying pasts by trying to force the present to make up for it. It never works, and so we get caught in misery.

Most recently, I see it in myself with Tess and my hurt feelings that she doesn’t appreciate me as a friend. And– in truth, she doesn’t. She values people who bring LESS to her life. This is due to her issues of scarcity and fear and rotating worlds trapped in time. It isn’t personal, but I have been taking it too personally. I gave her space to find her place and get better, but when she got better, she didn’t want to celebrate that with me. And I was OUCH about it. Even angry sometimes in this affronted way.

How f–king useless! She’s missing me and what I bring, and I really should feel sorry for her and move on. And I’m getting there finally. I met her over 10 years ago when my understanding of friendship was more fraught with need.

I recognize that I feel invisible. And too visible! I feel like the bad people see me and target me too often, but the people I want to reach out to can’t find me in the noise. A few very sensitive, amazing people found me through this venue of writing. But really no one else. And I am lonely at times and feel lost in the ordinariness of everything. I want to reach into the chaos and color and pull out dances and songs and stories! And I don’t want to always do this alone.

There is beauty in me that I have denied and humbled because I didn’t want to be targeted. I’ll never flourish under these twin fears of being too seen and not seen enough! There is no compromise between them. I can find another way — another path that doesn’t circle down the drain of repeating the past into oblivion and never really getting to reach a little of the promise of who I really am.

I just read over what I wrote above and laughed! I sound like a hippie on drugs right now. But I can’t write with a clarity like this unless I am stone cold sober! And I am. =^)

But practice is finally starting to pay off just a little. And I wanted to share this with my readers. <3