How To Console Your Girlfriend On Tuesday Night

Gentlemen, you are about to be tested in a way few of us have been: the girls in your life–if statistics are even half way right–are about to be devastated by Hillary’s upcoming defeat (while, again, if the statistics are right) you are going to be elated by Donald Trump’s victory. This is already baked in. Early voting, despite shenanigans in Nevada shows Trump way, way up in Iowa, Ohio, and Florida. 

Trump is challenging the illegal leaving-open of the polling lines so that Latinos could vote–and he’s going to win. So it’s done. All that’s left now . . . is the crying.

And Boy Is There Going To Be Crying

Let’s face it: women cry. Hillary probably cried after Trump obliterated her in the debates. The women in your life are emotional (if they’re not, check them for a Y-Chromosome. If you’re the emotional one, check yourself for a second X-Chromosome). Normally you put up with this–but after Tuesday it’s going to be worse. A lot worse.

Why?

Well, for starters because the first criminal nominee for president (who happens to be a woman) will have lost. Badly. Women everywhere who fell in behind her because of her plumbing will take this personally. They can’t help it: it’s genetics. 

Secondly, many saw Hillary’s rise to power as a sort of trickle-down “economics” of respect. Women don’t get a lot of respect outside the home (and there’s a reason for that)–but if a woman was catapulted by Wall Street into the Oval Office, they felt that the distaff gender might get some second-hand acclaim just for that.

Now, they weren’t necessarily wrong: the symbolic power of the presidency is a powerful thing–but Tuesday will be an object lesson for them that despite feminist propaganda, most of the world still sees women as the supporting role–not the lead actor. Erm, actress. 

So they’re going to have a wake up call that isn’t going to be pleasant.

That’s where you come in.

What Can You Do?

Your job is to be supportive, attentive, and sympathetic–while making sure the devastated woman in your life learns a little lesson from this. Here is what you need to do:

1. Get rid of any Hillary-For-Prison material Tomorrow Night. Once Trump is elected, it’s only a matter of time before Orange is her New Black.  By ditching that stuff the day before the election you won’t be scrambling around trying to get rid of it while the emotional meltdown is hitting Category-5.

2. Watch MSNBC. They will be the last station to call it for Trump (unfortunately, probably at no later than 9:30). This could buy you a valuable 25 minutes of peace. Yes, you’ll want to watch FOX–but trust me. Let Tuesday night be her night. You’ll have the next 8 years.

3. Let Her Down Gently: Use 538. Make sure that her computer is looking at 538. Yes, Nate Silver is doing everything he can to fix the election for Hillary–but he made a critical error in publishing his methodology when under fire and even with his tweaks, it’s the only site on the web that even comes close to showing the Trump Landslide. We know that 538 will make her nervous–which isn’t good–but if she’s looking at, say Princeton Election Consortium or something, it’s just going to be that much worse. Thank’s Nate!

4. Ivanka, Ivanka, Ivanka. Women respond best to other women. Trump is probably a little too alpha-dog for your Hillary-supporting wife or girlfriend. Do everything you can to move the conversation or whatever video she’s watching to Ivanka. How nice she is. How smart. How good for women and mothers. How Trump adores her (in a “will listen to her” kind of way–not a creepy way). If you relentlessly stay on Ivanka Trump, you’ll soothe her nerves.

5. No Excessive Celebration In The End-Zone. When they call it for Trump, you’ll want to cheer–to text your friends–maybe get on the X-Box and frag some “gamer girls” in Call of Duty? Don’t. No celebration. Sorry, boys. Tuesday night is a “tragedy” for her so you’re going to need to play your role and be the strong one. Pretend to be disappointed but stalwart. Be there for her. You’ll have 8 years minus one day to celebrate.

6. Noise Cancelling Head-Phones. By the end of the night you’ll be worn out–but she’ll be distraught until well past 3AM. I suggest a good pair of noise canceling headphones so that, at some point, you can get some sleep. If  you know a Trump-supporting woman, maybe see if you can get her to come over so you can “tag out” and go have a drink.

The divisive ploy of the Clinton campaign is trying to tear relationships and families apart and turn us against each other. They have found a soft-target in the XX-Chromosome pair of the relationship: DON’T GIVE THEM A VICTORY. Stand fast with your girl. Put up with her emotional distress.

There will be some good consolation-sex later when she’s more emotionally stable!

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