Don't Like It, Don't Look

I am always having moments. Epiphanies if you will. Moments
in my life when things seem clear, just moments of clarity. This morning while
I was getting ready for work I was putting trying clothes trying to
find something that looked good to me. Throwing shirt after shirt on the bed.
Just wanting to find something comfortable but stylish. Something figure
flattering.

Now I know you can’t see me but if the picture didn’t give
it away let me let you know I am a big girl. I am plus size
beauty. Why am I telling you this? So you will understand why I am saying
what I am saying and understand this moment of clarity. I’m not saying
skinny women can’t have moments of clarity regarding their bodies. I’m sure
they do all the time. However I can’t speak about something that I have never
been. I can only speak on what I know and my struggle.

Anyway I settled on black tight pants, a green tank top, a
multi colored asymmetric sweater and black leather riding boots. Put my hair in
bun, put on some makeup and accessories, done. After putting everything
together I took a look in the mirror and thought to myself “D… you look
good and if someone doesn’t like it forget them”. Now I didn’t use
those words per say but you understand.

You see weight has always been apart of my world.  I
have been trying to lose weight for years. Going on diets, weight watchers
and one gym membership after another. I got some results but never
made it to the finish line, wherever that maybe. The thing is I don’t
thing I ever did these things for myself.  I always based my losing
weight on something that was said by my mother, friends or society. Doing
it because this is what I am suppose to look like. 

We are taught that being fat is disgusting, unhealthy and
ugly. You’re big so you’re not attractive. You’re fat so you’re sloppy and
don’t take care of yourself (side note some do play into this one.. that’s
another blog.. get yourself together please). You are overweight so you can not
be healthy. You are a walking heart attack waiting to happen. The insults and
ignorant thinking goes on and on. So you can’t help but feel unattractive and
unwanted. These feelings are not your own. How do you feel about yourself?

The Truth Is… It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks
about you. It only matters what you think about yourself. It
doesn’t matter if you’re fat or skinny people are always going to
have something to say. We give their words power over our lives when we listen
and live our lives based on how someone else feels. I’ve heard people say
“You will be much happier if you lose weight”. Well what makes you
think I’m not happy now. Where is it written that fat means sad?
Happiness isn’t about size it’s about the quality of life that you
are living. Are you fulfilling your dreams? Are you doing things that make you
happy? Do you have joy in your life? If you are doing and have those things
size doesn’t matter.

You have to find a way to love who you are no matter what
people think or say. That was my epiphany this morning. I don’t have the
perfect body but I love me. I don’t have a flat stomach
but I love how my clothes fit on me.  I love how I look. I think I
beautiful. This is the body God has given me and I need to love it. When it’s
time for a change He will give me the strength and the will to take the
necessary steps to make that change. Until then all I can I say is “If you
don’t like it don’t look”.