Any blog worth its salt and Google Ads will keep its readers updated on past story progressions, including the universe’s reactions to them. Here at Dear Dirty America, we are no different with our website’s most intriguing events and happenings from around the web. On June 4 of this year, the Newswire kicked out an incendiary, possibly-out-of-line story titled, Queen Elizabeth II Confirmed Cannibal. The article maintained that Her Highness literally ate strips of meat she kept frozen in her freezer.
Notorious and infamous exiled cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger weighed in on the matter from his undisclosed home in Northern Europe. He’d been abreast of the Queen’s cannibalism tendencies since the 70s:
Humdinger called the Queen “violently vibrant” and “packed with more energy than the sun”. He said it at a small dinner party, and nobody in attendance remembers that he did, except for him. Humdinger also offered his analysis in 1973 about how the Queen could be so energetic. “She must eat human flesh,” he wrote bluntly in an article for We Royalty magazine, “to be so vivacious. There is an immense amount of spiritual energy in human muscle.” He also hinted at the royal family engaging in Satanic rituals and bloodlust.
After the Dear Dirty Newswire kicked out the article featuring quotes and stories from an old serviceman and an English carpenter named John Bellows, an online shitstorm erupted. Everybody’s deeply held suspicions of the Queen’s possible cannibalism had been confirmed.
Here is an exchange from a couple disconcerted readers. The fight seems to revolve around whether or not the term “cannibalism” used to describe Her Highness is metaphorical or literal. One anonymous reader commented:
No one with any credibility has said any of this.
You people will write anything for attention.
Queen Elizabeth II is the legal heir to the Throne of David.
She did not STORM the throne and she is far too dignified to eat human flesh.
So this reader had an obvious (all-CAPS obvious) problem with the verb used to describe the pointy-toothed Elizabeth’s path to the throne. And then he (I assume he’s a he for some sexist reason) charges DDA with being a tabloid! Is DDA dominated by headlines? Or lurid, sensational material, often presented in a vulgar way? Well, maybe…
Coming to the story’s defense, another reader trumpets:
“No one with any credibility has said any of this.” -Anonymous on Wensday 6/6/2012
That’s calling the kettle black, as you don’t even have a user-handle.
Nice try to minimize, but you fail.
This blood-sucking @)*$@ is flaunting her wealth, while the country and economy collapses around her.
Briton is past-due for a revolution!
The Queen is a blood-sucking…what? Could this precious Newswire article have spawned hate speech against the bloody Queen of Fucking England? I’d be honored, along with this gracious reader, to inspire the next inflammatory Newsweek cover, with a picture of the Queen’s bejeweled neck and head, with the overarching headline: Blood-Sucking Cunt?
Speaking of due for a revolution, this reader seemed to glean a deeper message behind the blood and gore sensationalism of the Queen’s suspected cannibalism. But then the anonymous reader comes back with one better, and it turns out he too is taking it as satire, or an extended metaphor:
The BERITH-ISH (Covenant People) are definitely due for a revolution. And I am not saying that the dear Queen isn’t a WHORE riding on the Beast of the Rothschild Banksters, but she isn’t a cannibal in the literal sense of the word.
I have no doubt but that the fate of Ephraim (GREAT BERITH-AIM) and Manasseh (USA) are tightly entwined.
Both of our governments are occupied by the treasonous Zionists. Those Bolsheviks will stop at nothing; INCLUDING THE DESTRUCTION OF THE LAST VESTIGES OF THE MONARCHY!
Make no mistake, the Throne of David WILL stand until Shilo comes to claim it. That is something we cannot change. And if the dear Queen must sit on it until that happens, then so be it. She will be judged according to her deeds.
So does it matter if Elizabeth uses her stained, sharpened, human-flesh tearing teeth to gobble one young man’s limbs, or one hundred? Or has the Newswire inspired a deeper, greater dialogue about abuses by the monarchy of the common people by issuing such a rash, tabloid-styled headline? Or is this blog just the WHORE riding the Beast of the Google World Empire?
Dear Jesus, nobody knows any more. Dear Krishna, we’re all caught in a rut of dis- and mis-information. We can only wonder what the masses would have done with this Queen Elizabeth II story: Queen of England takes on new surprising responsibility
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