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Conservatol® Trials Fail; Right Pushes For Minority Status

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NEW YORK — In another political disappointment, on Wednesday the
long-awaited test results for Conservatol®
have been deemed a failure.  The drug was
developed shortly after a study indicated that partisanship originates in
certain parts of the brain.  It was designed
to encourage development of the amygdala, or ‘conservative part’ of the brain.

While initial experimentation seemed promising, trial runs
in key counties ahead of the American general elections in 2012 proved
inconclusive.  While people dosed with
the pharmaceutical showed slight improvement in the areas of traditional morality
and fiscal austerity, the fear functions their newly enhanced amygdalae controlled
were drastically altered.  After seven
months of regular dosing, by election day affected voters apparently became too
frightened to leave their houses.

“There were Mexicans everywhere,” recalls one shaken subject,
an Isaac Cruthers of Essex County, Virginia. 
“And come Tuesday morning, the sky was just so blue – it was horrible.  By
the time the sun set and it was safe to leave, the polls had already closed.”

A spokesman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA)
expressed disappointment in the results. 
“We’d expected higher voter turnaround than we’d gotten.  We knew Romney would be a hard sell, but even
drugs couldn’t get people to vote for him.”

Following the election, several Super Pac organizations have
pooled together their remaining funds – a Super Super Pac called Preserve America’s Elephants – with the
intention of pushing for minority status. 
Said its director Pam Scellion, “This just proves that we have a
predisposition from birth.  Conservatism
isn’t a choice, it’s biological.  And now that we’re a minority, we have to get
protected status, to prevent discrimination and persecution for who we are.”

The fight has already begun, with cause supporters on pinpricks
awaiting the case results for Teresa Wagner, who is suing the University of
Iowa College of Law over political discrimination.  She contends that they passed up her
application for a teaching position because of her conservative views.

Scellion is upbeat.  “This
sort of thing happens every day in America, hard-working creators and earners
being discriminated against by the government. 
It’s high time we turn it around in our favor, start loading up the
universities with a quota of good, right-thinking Americans,” she says
brightly, referring to the PAE’s goal to utilize the benefits of Affirmative
Action.  “And if that fails, we’ll begin
working on getting UN Nonmember State status
Preliminary talks indicate that we’d already have the backing of Myanmar,
Greece, and most of Northumbria.”


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    Total 1 comment
    • gaian

      there is no “conservative” part of the brain. to make people loyal conservatives, brains must be lobotomized so that the owners can only repeat what they are told by the elite’s media (FOX, CNN, etc.), and blame 45 trillion dollars of debt on people getting $200 per month in food stamps. Add up all the federal budget for health and human services (medicare, food stamps, housing assistance) and you will not come anywhere near the trillion of dollars being sent straight into the bank accounts of the wealthiest people in the country through “qualitative easing,” or “bailouts.”

      i mean, conservatives still love ronald reagan – the man who envisioned american industry packing up and moving overseas, if only the government would get out of their way! he destroyed our economy, destroyed the savings and loan industry, and put the government so far into debt that we will never get out from under it. reagan’s presidency ruined america, and what he didn’t ruin, his followers bush and clinton finished off. since then, it’s only been mop-up. that’s why the government is printing money as fast as it possibly can – because it’s all we have going for us – printing money.


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