long-awaited test results for Conservatol®
have been deemed a failure. The drug was
developed shortly after a study indicated that partisanship originates in
certain parts of the brain. It was designed
to encourage development of the amygdala, or ‘conservative part’ of the brain.
in key counties ahead of the American general elections in 2012 proved
inconclusive. While people dosed with
the pharmaceutical showed slight improvement in the areas of traditional morality
and fiscal austerity, the fear functions their newly enhanced amygdalae controlled
were drastically altered. After seven
months of regular dosing, by election day affected voters apparently became too
frightened to leave their houses.
an Isaac Cruthers of Essex County, Virginia.
“And come Tuesday morning, the sky was just so blue – it was horrible. By
the time the sun set and it was safe to leave, the polls had already closed.”
expressed disappointment in the results.
“We’d expected higher voter turnaround than we’d gotten. We knew Romney would be a hard sell, but even
drugs couldn’t get people to vote for him.”
pooled together their remaining funds – a Super Super Pac called Preserve America’s Elephants – with the
intention of pushing for minority status.
Said its director Pam Scellion, “This just proves that we have a
predisposition from birth. Conservatism
isn’t a choice, it’s biological. And now that we’re a minority, we have to get
protected status, to prevent discrimination and persecution for who we are.”
awaiting the case results for Teresa Wagner, who is suing the University of
Iowa College of Law over political discrimination. She contends that they passed up her
application for a teaching position because of her conservative views.
sort of thing happens every day in America, hard-working creators and earners
being discriminated against by the government.
It’s high time we turn it around in our favor, start loading up the
universities with a quota of good, right-thinking Americans,” she says
brightly, referring to the PAE’s goal to utilize the benefits of Affirmative
Action. “And if that fails, we’ll begin
working on getting UN Nonmember State status.
Preliminary talks indicate that we’d already have the backing of Myanmar,
Greece, and most of Northumbria.”
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