Bank of America Awards Fraudulence, Let the Old Utah Gentlemen's Firing Squad Handle It

I don’t think enough attention has been paid to the following news story. It indicates the colossal mess humanity is in. We’ve become a throng of quarreling rats fighting for banana peels and bread crumbs in the creaking bowels of a sinking ship. We could transform back into humans, link arms and minds, and bail out the water and make a last resort effort to repair the ship, but we’d rather tear out each others’ throats for crumbs.

Here’s an example:

Senior managers provided carrots and sticks for employees to lie to customers and push them into foreclosure. Simone Gordon described meetings where managers created quotas for lower-level employees, and a bonus system for reaching those quotas. Employees “who placed ten or more accounts into foreclosure in a given month received a $500 bonus,” Gordon wrote. “Bank of America also gave employees gift cards to retail stores like Target or Bed Bath and Beyond as rewards for placing accounts into foreclosure.” Employees were closely monitored, and those who didn’t meet quotas, or who dared to give borrowers accurate information, were fired, as was anyone who “questioned the ethics … of declining loan modifications for false and fraudulent reasons,” according to William Wilson.

If you’re an employee who finds excitement in foreclosing on ten accounts, or ten homes, or ten families, in order to receive 500 dollars, then the rest of good and wholesome humanity might not have use for you any longer.

For 500 dollars. Imagine the six- or seven-digit devastation you’ve just inflicted on a bleeding economy and a country of people with very little hope. For a Bed Bath & Beyond gift card? Who are these people who think that is OK? There’s only one option for these folks. Stern looks and social reprimands won’t be enough. Not these days.

There is no use for these kinds of people in our society. They are like useless growths feeding off our vitality, and compromising our collective immune system. There is only room for individuals who want to expand their consciousness and sense of humanity. There can be no patience for employees who find a Bed Bath and Beyond gift card reasonable incentive to deny families a loan modification under the government’s (HAMP) Home Affordable Modification Program.

Of course we need to blame Bank of America, too. The only honorable action is suicide, however, BofA lacks a conscience and will fight another day. That means we the people need to dismantle these financial powerhouses one scandal at a time, until there only remains a heap of dust where once the red and blue monster squatted.

One of the last working firing squads left in America…

For the employees who lack such a sense of common humanity and decency as to be able to expel families from their homes in order to receive gift cards to Target, we need to call in one of the last working firing squads left in America. Let the old Utah Gentlemen’s firing squad do their thing.

If you think that’s barbaric, don’t worry, I used to think so, too. But then I researched death by firing squad and found out how noble and painless it really is. In 2010, convict Ronnie Gardner died this way, in Utah, and the whole ordeal was a success.

Five men fired .30 caliber Winchester rifles into the target placed over Gardner’s chest. One of the men shot a blank. But which man? That 20 percent chance of having the gun with the blank is how any good firing squad restfully sleeps at night. It’s also the mental factor that allowed them to get a casual cup of coffee together after the execution.

The convict, strapped to the chair, had a black hood pulled over his head. He was serene. He said he had nothing to say.

Yes, the blood pooled in a pan set beneath the chair. That was morbid, even though the families of Gardner’s victims thought it was satisfying. Yet, the death was about as painless as death can be. Far more relieving and less agonizing than the more clinical lethal injection.

Lethal injection is thought to cause the convict serious burning sensations while his body is locked into hideous muscle cramps. All the while, the inmate is experiencing asphyxiation. At some point, he goes into cardiac arrest.

Who wouldn’t choose the old gentlemen’s firing squad? Four bullets and a blank to the chest, from up close. I’ve seen this done to raccoon and skunks on my father’s farm. My father is a one-man firing squad. He does not like to inflict pain and suffering on any animal, but he’s also a practical man, and he cannot have wild animals terrorizing the family’s pets and undermining the buildings and expensive structures on the farmstead.

So he aims his rifle carefully and the raccoon doesn’t seem to know what hit it.

There is only pacifism

The exiled, long forgotten cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger cringes at the idea that some Bank of America employees should be forced to stand before the old Utah Gentlemen’s firing squad.

“There is only one legitimate ideology,” Humdinger shouts at me over our Skype connection. “That ideology is pacifism,” he says, his face very close to his webcam. I can see his blocky teeth up close. They are yellowed, but clean.

“I’ve been in three wars throughout my lifetime, and I’ve killed men,” Humdinger says again, “and I’ll tell you what, as soon as you aim that weapon at a fellow human and pull the trigger,” he says, pausing, “you are instantly no better than who you are killing, or what belief you are trying to snuff out.”

As for the Old Utah Gentlemen’s firing squad, Humdinger says he’d like to take a broom handle and bonk each one of them over the head with it. “There should be no blank in one of the guns!” Humdinger hollers. “That way, they’d all feel like shit for killing someone.”

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