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By Dear Dirty America
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Royal Baby Blue Is A Royal Pain In the...

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Los Angeles

If you didn’t know any better,
you’d think they were just regular people!

All of this royal baby coverage is becoming a royal pain in the ass. As if there aren’t enough real stories and issues the American public should drill down on, we’re obsessed with an inbred royal family’s latest edition. The royal baby boy.

But why fight it? I’ve asked myself. Why not get excited, too. Go with the flow, old boy, and enjoy the process. Chuck Klosterman has argued that it is not only stupid to hate culture, but pointless — instead, observe why culture is as it is. Well, I may not be a great observer, but I can drop into the lower vibrations of something like the massive celebration of Kate Middleton and Prince William’s baby boy. I wanted to smell the smells in the St Mary’s hospital room: the sweat, the blood, and other thick, natural human scents.

I scrambled through hundreds of webpages online looking for the most in-depth coverage of the royal delivery out there. I wanted to see everything. The winces of pain and agony on Kate’s face. The screams and curses at God. At the Architect behind this wonderful misery.

I wanted to see William toss his lunch at the grotesque realities of birth. I wanted to see the cameras zoom in on the Dutchess of Cambridge’s dilated birth canal. The same one William once prematurely ejaculated into but could hardly glance at in the hospital room. I wanted to feel her spasms and contractions as my own. To witness the head of their child squeeze past her labia for its first breath of polluted outside air, and momentarily get stuck at the shoulders. What an awful position to be in, for both mother and child. All that pressure. All that pain. When will it end? And then, pop! The arms come flying out.

If you’re new to birth, you might think the baby has just been damaged, but then the child moves. The doctors’ gloved hands are placed beneath the slick royal head that has just barged into our world, whether we like it or not. Another mouth to feed, certainly, but not just another mouth.

You might think this is overkill, but if we’re going to get wrapped up in the royal family’s affairs, we might as well go all the way. If we’re going to be collectively fixated on the birth of Kate’s baby, we should really learn something valuable in the process.

I want to know everything about these people!

Everybody is thankful the little creature isn’t a hideous beast. Instead, it’s actually a human. And it’s of royal descent. Of royal blood. And it too will be taken care of by public money, by the generosity of the non-royal, unspectacular British tax payer.

But, at that point in the birth, it is too early to tell if the baby is royally healthy. There can be no genetic defects, as the exiled, infamous cultural philosopher, Hubert Humdinger has lectured us in a book he wrote decades ago called They Rules of Royalty Are No Picnic (and you thought you had it rough!), in which he expounds on what many people around the world already intuit, but dare not put into words:

“When the official physicians of the royal family check all the baby’s vital signs, and then examine the child’s DNA to detect future defects, such as mental illness, physical sluggishness, and any other possibly embarrassing public relation nightmares, the child is either granted access to the kingdom, or it is delivered to the Queen for proper consumption.”

Humdinger goes on to explain that no human vitality is lost in the royal family. It is only recycled. The British elites are nothing if not efficient with their own flesh and blood. Inferior royal babies are not simply aborted or cast away or put up for adoption, they are “reabsorbed back into the royal family’s system, on par with the idea of a thirsty man wandering for days in the desert consuming his own urine up to three times before it will stop replenishing his body and poison him.”

Because of the widespread media coverage, intelligence analysts suspect the baby had been vetted as best as it could be within the womb, or else the baby would not have been permitted to have been born, but rather would have been harvested early, cleaned up as much as possible, and delivered to the Queen. CNN would have reported it as a tragic miscarriage.

It’s best that the public does not know the Queen of England sometimes acts like the black-tailed prairie dog when her well-being is threatened by her offspring.

Kate and William would have been fully aware of these possibilities when conceiving the child, which is why Prince Philip the Wayfarer told the couple to, “Knock it out of the park on the first try, so there’s no need for bloody hubbub.”


The Queen of England, confirmed cannibal

Hubert Humdinger, exiled cultural philosopher

Royalty, like some rodents, have teeth that never stop growing

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