Creating a Secret Language to Hide from the Government

I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

How to Talk Without Being Heard!

With all the treason being committed by the government (NSA breaking the fourth amendment, Benghazi cover up, CIA ripping the elections, etc.), there is good reason to learn how to create your own secret language.

After all, whenever you speak, or even text, your words are going to go through the NSA super computers, be scanned for info deemed harmful to our rulers, and then your home can be broken into without a warrant and your money seized, and so on.

So, let me give you some simple data on this secret language thing. The data will be simple, because you are never going to match the money the government uses to make things complex, and because whatever you do is going to have to be easy for anyone you wish to speak to to learn.

During World War Twice the government coded certain communications by having Navaho Indians on each end of the line, and the Indians merely translated English into Navaho on one end, and Navaho back to English on the other end.

This can be effective, but the problem is that if you look at the google translator you will find that a lot of the world’s languages are already translatable.

To enter this concept of creating your own language, easy for a human to understand, but difficult for a computer to translate, let’s start with an interesting little factoid: humans can understand virtually any word, no matter how the letters are scrambled, if the first letter and the last letter are the same.

Consider the word ‘dash.’ Spell it ‘Dsah,’ and people will generally still understand it. Unfortunately, computers will also understand it…just look at your spell checker if you doubt. My Mac gives me correct wording whenever I make a spelling error.

So, scramble the letters, and add one or more, or take one or more away.

‘Bacon,’ becomes ‘Boackn.‘ Or ‘Bockan.’ Or ‘Bayckun.’ Or…?

The trick here is that computers will learn your secret language fast, so you can only use a spelling twice, then you have to change that spelling, use a synonym (altered), or something else.

Another thing you can try is jumbling sentences. This is easy if you speak a language like Spanish. ‘The red dog’ becomes ‘the dog red.’

And, of course, if you know another language, a great trick is to shift back and forth between languages. It’ll drive the super computer crazy shifting programs. And if you are jumbling spellings and sentence structure, you can have some real fun.

Now, I haven’t differentiated between texting and speaking, and it is time.

The above advice works well with texting and email, but a good advice for speaking is to mumble, mispronounce, shift languages, slur words, and…speak in Pig Latin.

There are actually many kinds of Pig Latin. The traditional one where you put the first letter at the end with an ‘-ay.’ Then there’s Double Dutch, where you put an ‘ib’ between the first and second letters, and if you put ‘op’ instead of ‘ib’ you will have Double Dop, and so on.

And, avoid specific terminology. If you want to talk about troop movements, refer to an order of chickens, and change animals throughout the conversation.

Let’s say there are a troop of Russians coming down Interstate Five. You might choose words appropriate to somebody who has lived in California, but…

“Heya, Jodie. Got fify ray chuycadeedeeyas dowan on Golen ’Spensiveway.”
Which means, “Hi Joe, There’s 50 Russians traveling down Highway 5.”

You make your conversations quick and slick, you mumble and wheeze, you inject bits of nonsense or unrelated material, and you get your conversation over with and clear out of the area.

Now, what will happen because of this is that the supercomputers will give up, and they will call a human, or forward the communication for human inspection. So you have a limited time to do this. But, you can lengthen this time by having real conversation around the transmission of military type data.

For instance, you might have a pre-agreement that the third sentence will contain data. Or perhaps the number of letters in the second word might be the number of sentence witht he data.

“Hi, Joe, howsa going.” (Second word has three letters, so it will be the third sentence.)

“Fine, wifey’s got a cold, but we’re hanging in there. Howsa Charlie?”

“Charlie’s good. He bought a new truck. A red Dodge. That boy likes big motors. (There might be a set up here…gonna relay data in car talk).

“He always was a bit big in the britches.” (They laugh…here it comes.)

“He wants to get a job hauling, he took an order for a jiffy fiffy chickadeedos, but he can’t get the permit to travel on the Fiver, so I dunno what he’s gonna do.”

Pretty easy, eh? Try the next sentence on your own.

Okley dokely, youza scenery howsa gogo. Trial self wi friendlydeedees.

And, of course, let’s hope that this harmless manner of speaking and texting and emailing never becomes necessary, that the government rights itself and starts behaving in a constitutional manner. Let’s hope that me giving you this advice never becomes necessary or a crime.

Head on over to The Daily Neutron!

Have you read The Day the President Killed the United States?

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