Let The Middle East Burn, Says The Devil

The devil delivered the following remarks in a special address to the nations of the world. The address concerns new international developments regarding the ongoing war in Syria and the upcoming American attack against the country as promised by his holiness, President Barack H. Obama. 

There is a time for peace, and there is a time for war. There is a time to live, and there is a time to die. I did not make these rules. They’ve been established and observed for millennia. And, so, in the face of this truth, turn aside your reservations about the United States attacking Syria and escalating the war.

How can America be accused of escalating a war that by its nature has to be escalated in order for it to end? This is not Obama’s war. The war came years ago. The war came when Assad’s father stood up against Israel and expanded Syria’s influence in the region. The war came when Israel displaced Palestinians and made a divine claim on Jerusalem. So, don’t pretend this war came out of the blue. Don’t blame Mr. Obama for a war that was born before him.

Yes, it is painful for America to intervene on what appears to be the side of injustice and villainy, but there is meaning in this war. There is victory for all at the end of this ordeal.

For over two years now, hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees have flooded neighbouring countries, thousands of families have been broken apart, ancient towns have been looted, and child soldiers have been recruited into the fighting as the losses of the rebels continue at a rapid rate while Assad gains ground against them.

American elites were fiddling with their thumbs for too long, even as they knew that America’s intervention was required at some time or another. So why wait? Why prolong the inevitable? There is nothing to be gained by stalling. What are they hesitant about? World opinion? Since when do conquerors worry about what their victims think of them?

Why act like dropping a few bombs on Syria is the end of the world? It is not the end of the world. It is the end of Assad. And Assad’s day in the sun has come and gone. If he were wise he would accept his fate, submit to America’s sword, and sacrifice himself to save his nation.  

Better yet, Assad should immolate himself in honour of the memory of Mohamed Bouazizi, that brave and dignified man who sparked the Arab Spring.

Remember what Zoroaster said? Those who die in flames are the purest souls. Arab dictators can learn a few things from their brave people. They should go out in flames.

Moving on to another subject. The media discourse about Syria is very silly and stupid. America should not build its moral case for military intervention in Syria since there exists no moral case to bomb a nation back to the stone age. This talk of “punishing” Assad for his imaginary crimes must end. It is childish. And it is offensive to mankind’s ancient ears. What, are we all in grade school?

I advise American officials and journalists to use the word “conquer” instead of “punish.” It is much better to say that you want to conquer someone rather than punish him for crimes, as this makes you look like a hypocrite. No one likes to be lectured at and “punished,” but being conquered is more spiritually swallowable.

An American attack on Syria, whether it leads to defeat for Assad or humiliation for the United States and its allies, will turn out to be a good thing for the people of the region and for mankind as a whole.

The renewing spirit of fire is what the Middle East needs. It is what the doctor ordered. The status quo is neither tolerable nor sustainable. Morally, politically, spiritually, things cannot go on as they have, not in Syria, not in Palestine, not anywhere in the region.

Everywhere you look armies are getting into formation while their leaders strategize and give impassioned speeches.

The Americans have never left Iraq, despite official claims to the contrary. They have bases around the region and they are ready to strike.

The Kurds have been fighting several governments to separate and create their own country for almost a century.

The Jews believe they are divinely entitled to their land and are not willing to give up an inch no matter how great the international pressure for them to do so is.

The Palestinians and Muslims obviously think differently, and they have the manpower, strength, and determination to defend their rights.

What is America supposed to do? Just wait it out until cooler heads prevail? That attitude will never solve the region’s problems because there are few cool heads to be found. Enough waiting and watching. America must act. America must lead the side of the divinely inspired conquerors and help pave the way to victory with its awesome might.