I called up Archie on the ouija board the other night. Here is a transcript of our chat.
Me: Is that you, Archie?
Archie: Ya ya, it’s me. Good to see you again. Whadya want this time?
M: Well Arch, I figure you probably been watching things play out, and I wondered if you had any thoughts?
A: Ayeayeayeayeaye… yeah… what the fuck is wrong with youse people today? I see where my country, the United States of America, now flies the poofer flag at ever embassy around the world. America? Land of the free and home of the homos? You gotta be kidding me! And what’s this gender fluid stuff? In my day you didn’t talk about your gender fluids except maybe with your doctor.
M: What advice would you have for President Biden?
A: Oh, I think Joe’s on the right track. We gotta finally get wise to the Rooskies. That Putin fella, well, if we don’t fight him over there in Ukrainistan we’ll be fighting him on Coney Island. And the fuckin’ towelheads, when is somebody gonna get serious about them? I say nuke ‘em now, while the nukin’s good!
M: Any thoughts on the racial justice movement?
A: Ya, ya, Black Lives Matter and all that. I mean ya, of course Black lives matter. I mean, don’t be stupid. Can you imagine a Patriots – Jets game without them? But then you got your NHL, and the Black lives don’t matter that much over there, because they never had hockey in Africa. It was too hot. How you gonna make a ice rink in the jungle?
M: Thanks for your time, Arch. Stay cool!
A: Haha… get outta here, ya goofball!
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