Avoid becoming a patsy

Avoid becoming a patsy Thread started Apr 9, 2015 at 7:27am Seleukos likes this.

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Post by Huxleys_halo on Apr 9, 2015 at 7:27am

This article is sort of tongue-in-cheek, but actually the advice it gives is pretty true. Basically, if you don’t want your life ruined, become as liberal, gay, transgender and Jewish as possible:

Modern life presents some unique challenges. STD’s. Student loans. Gender bending etc. None is greater than the danger of becoming a patsy. This short article shows you how to avoid becoming the target of a massive, televised manhunt, and being vilified and butchered in the process.

You see, being a patsy means you cannot be arrested and tried in a Court of Law. You cannot be allowed to speak publicly. That would defeat the whole purpose of blaming you for something they did. They will pretend you died resisting arrest. That’s when they will take a meat cleaver to your chest. (I should not be flippant here. Tamerlan was arrested alive and subsequently murdered by the police.)

If you do get a trial, it will be a charade, and you will be drugged into silence.

Step Number One: Do not agree to participate in a “drill” designed to test precautions against “a terror attack.” No matter how much money they offer, or how much they appeal to your patriotic instincts, this is a “sorry, no-can-do.” Also, wherever this “drill” is, make sure you are a hundred miles away.

Step Number Two: Convert to Judaism. Patsies are never Jews. Your local synagogue will provide information on Talmud Torah classes.
 

Step Number Three: Patsies can be teenagers. Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, right, was 19.

If you are a teenager, or even a child, do not assume you are safe.

Step Number Four: Question your gender. Homosexuality also confers immunity against becoming a patsy. If you are still in school, join a “gay-straight alliance.” They will help you with the conversion process and give you hands on experience.

Step Number Five: If you cannot become a Jew or homosexual, at least establish your liberal bona fides. Let slip that you voted for Barack Obama, love Diane Feinstein, read the New York Times, and watch Jon Stewart and SNL religiously. Put a PBS bumpersticker on your car. Patsies are never liberals.

Number Six: Prepare a plan to follow in case they you discover you are the terrorist. When the bullets are flying, saying “I’m a patsy” won’t cut it. You will need a hideout that is better than a boat parked in the backyard.

Step Number Seven: There are cosmetic products that will help you lighten your complexion. Avoid suntans. You should not be mistaken for a Muslim. Your life depends on it.

Step Number Eight: Make burial arrangements in advance. When the public has been incited to believe you are the incarnation of evil, funeral directors will have a hard time accepting your business.

Step Number Nine – Study the lives of some of the great patsies in modern history. Lee Harvey Oswald. James Earl Ray, Sirhan Sirhan, Timothy McVeigh, Osama Bin Laden, James Holmes, Adam Lanza. What mistakes did they make that you can avoid? Certainly, one is getting involved with a CIA-FBI front group.

Step Number Ten- Avoid friendly strangers with deep pockets who want you to become an “informant.”

I welcome other suggestions from readers for sidestepping this common everyday hazard. Anyone who believes the mass media accounts of these “terror attacks” is also a patsy. Don’t be one