The day my husband came home with a lawnmower to shovel the snow

To all my friends who pretend to think my blog is funny, to all my fellow bloggers sharing the whacked-out stories of their lives effortlessly and beautifully without going Real Housewives on all of us, to everyone who has to worry this New Years about how long the kids are going to make it rather than who the DD will be, and to everyone else who does not fit into the above mentioned categories (…I guess)…

Happy New Year!!!

I wanted to write a post about The Best of The Crazy in 2012, but I have to write it a day early because there’s a bottle of champagne in the ‘fridge for me and Mr. J tomorrow night and I’m afraid of what might come out of these feisty fingers after polishing that sucker off. (For all the times you have thought to yourself, “she did not just go there…” sometimes I black out when I write and they take the crazy to a whole new level…)

That bottle of champagne pretty much comprises our wild and exciting plans for The Eve. Some friends gave us a very generous gift card to a chain of fancy restaurants in the city, and out of like 8 restaurants, only one of them has a kid’s menu. ONE. (Is this what my life has become? Snubbing restaurants without kid’s menus posted online? “I don’t care if they have a $40 steak, if I can’t get one at half-price for Junior we aren’t even eating ON THAT BLOCK!”)

I did consider just saying, “rink it,” and asking/begging the fancy chef to make Junior a grilled cheese, but I fear it may come out on a baguette with goat cheese and brie. So fine, whatever, we’re going to a fancy version of Mickey D’s for dinner at 4pm and rushing home before it gets dark and we can’t make it up the driveway to the bubbly.

Apparently my last post scared off all the potential babysitters. They apparently don’t appreciate the suggestion to park at the Dollar General, a mere mile and a half away, and walk over so we don’t have to tow them out of our driveway. Honestly, some people really have a problem putting in a honest day’s work for some cash money.

I guess I wouldn’t want any of those grumps watching my son for the night, anyway. “You want your bedtime story? You better get movin’ to that Dollar General to get my car started so it’s warm by the time your parents get home. And don’t act like you can’t walk by now!”

So here is my list of Top 5 Funny Things That Happened in 2012.  

(I probably could’ve come up with 10 after that bubbly tomorrow… sorry to disappoint.)

In no particular order…

1. OBAMA GETTING REELECTED. (Okay, so this list is in order.) Now we have to rename our country because we apparently no longer want to be the good old America we once were. Ladies, you know how long it takes at the Social Security office to just change your last name, imagine how long it’s going to take to change the name of the gosh darn COUNTRY! A Republican will be back in office by the time it gets changed, and then he’s going to want to change it back… “I am sorry Mr. President, but in an effort to arrange our goals on a realistic timeline to achieve them, we’re going to have to put that one behind paying back all our debt to China…”

2. THE BLANK STARE I GOT AT THE SUPERMARKET TODAY WHEN I ASKED IF THEY HAD ANY TIRAMISU. (So is that a “no” on the Creme Brûlée, too?) Rinkin’ country folk…

3. PRINCESS KATE GETTING HERSELF KNOCKED UP. It’s bad enough when a normal person gets knocked up because everyone in a 600 mile radius takes this as the opportunity they’ve always waited for, short of pushing the pregnant one out of the way,  to talk about their own personal and always very inappropriate child birthing stories (I once had a lady give me a step-by-step, interactive lesson on how to prepare your boobs for breastfeeding). Poor Kate has to deal with this from the ENTIRE WORLD! I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I also seriously wish I was knocked up right now because not a soul would notice. “Girl, you need to lay off those cheeseburgers. Say, did you see Kate’s in her 27th week? She’s radiant, just radiant. When I was 27 weeks my feet swelled up like a pig in heat and… (and on)…”

4. HOSTESS TWINKIES GOING OUT OF BUSINESS. What the heck is New York City going to fight about when their fight with obesity ends???

5. MR. J COMING HOME WITH A LAWNMOWER YESTERDAY TO SHOVEL THE DRIVEWAY. When I saw his purchase, I said to him, “Honey, I know I ain’t been doin’ this country-livin’ bees-ness for too long, now, but I’m pretty darn sure you ain’t cuttin’ no snow with that there purdy little thang…” So then he sets out to prove me wrong (I don’t know why I open my mouth sometimes) and buys a shovel the size of New Jersey to put on the front of the thing. Except it doesn’t fit, so he has to jimmy it to the front of the lawnmower with duct tape, rope, a couple of dog leashes, and super glue. None of which apparently worked, because when I looked out the window a few hours later, the shovel was laying in the middle of the driveway, cold, upset, and feeling abandoned, and Mr. J was doing wheelies in the snow with the lawnmower…

6. I STILL CAN’T GET MY CAR UP THE DRIVEWAY.

***For those of you not clued in to the definition of, “rink,” please refer to my post: “Thinking about marriage? You’re better off being a garbage collector in Guam.”

All Things Unlearned chronicles my journey in unlearning everything I already thought I knew through my experiences as a wife, a mother, and an American through funny, overly-opinionated, witty, sometimes offensive, and yet always entertaining banter. Come be amused.