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Ten Republican Senators on Monday visited Biden at the White House in hopes of convincing the fledgling president to trim a 1.9 trillion-dollar Covid-19 relief package—the stated reason for the visit. But upon arriving at the White House, they found that Biden had an ulterior agenda that had little to do with the disease. He wanted to ascertain whether Republican Senators still embraced Donald Trump.

Among the ten Republicans in attendance were Bill Cassidy of Louisiana, who denounced Trump’s claims of election fraud; Susan Collins of Maine, whose tumultuous relationship with her own party often saw her reaching across the aisle; Jerry Moran of Kansas, whose ninth inning pledge to support Biden’s Electoral College victory angered Trump; Lisa Murkowski of Alaska, the first GOP Senator to call for Trump’s ousting in the wake of the 6 Jan riots; Rob Portman of Ohio, who has infuriated his party for criticizing freshman Representative Marjorie Taylor-Green; and, last but not least, Massachusetts Senator Mitt Romney, whose feud with Trump needs no expanding on.

After a brief public discourse, they and four other Republican Senators secluded themselves in the Oval Office for a two-hour, closed-door conversation with Biden and Harris. Of the ten Senators present, one, who shall remain nameless, had the courage to leak the true nature of the meeting. We present a summary of the gathering.

After a fifteen-minute debate on Biden’s nearly two trillion-dollar relief package, Biden smirked, said his Covid-19 deal was non-negotiable, and told everyone present that he expected unwavering support in abolishing Trump’s “misdeeds” and rebuilding America into a country the rest of the world could be proud of.

“Trump is a relic, a thing of the past, an anachronism,” Joe Biden said, sounding more like Obama than himself. “His medieval, cold war-era thinking has not only irreparably damaged our nation, but it’s also damaged our relations with the rest of the world. And just so you all know, Mitch [McConnell] is with me,” Biden said slowly.

Biden often paused between words, as if trying to regain a train of thought. He reportedly had a small earpiece in his right ear and seemed to receive instructions from an unseen party.

Biden admitted to the senators that Trump still had hopes of invalidating the election and returning to the White house, that he was fabricating evidence to present to the American people. Any such proof, Biden said, was a concoction of Trump’s diseased mind.

“I understand many of you, as do your colleagues not here today, still harbor misplaced loyalty to Trump. That ends today. I’m not asking you to forsake the Republican Party or its values. See, Trump subverted the Republican Party and brainwashed a lot of people. Today begins the deprogramming. Look, you can have very comfortable political careers or uncomfortable careers,” Biden said.

“Gentlemen, we’re here to fix the problem, and we’re politely asking for your help,” Kamala Harris chimed in. “We could ask not so politely.”

Biden said that Trump’s mishandling of US-China relations had almost pushed the two superpowers to the brink of nuclear war, adding that had Trump won the 2020 election, both countries—and the rest of the world—would have been engulfed in an atomic fireball.

“I fixed in a day the damage he caused over four years,” Biden said. “The world can sleep easier.”

Until that point in the meeting, the ten Republicans had sat quietly and listened, some stone-faced, some with mouths agape, and some nodding in silent agreement.

Kansas Senator Jerry Moran was the first to speak up: “How exactly did you do that?”

Biden’s toothy smile turned suddenly to a frown, and his face darkened. The specifics, he said, were not important. “If concessions are made, they’re made in furthering the benefit of a new world structure in which the United states cooperates with, not antagonizes, the rest of the world. If there’s a chance Trump might at some point, be it tomorrow or 2024, regain power, there is a danger to humankind. None of you are strangers to his damage,” Biden said.

Mitt Romney, who had been silent, stood, raised his right hand, and pledged allegiance to Biden’s vision of a new and prosperous America.

“You’re the president, Mr. President, and I do solemnly swear to support you, your meritorious values, and your mission to restore America,” Romney said.

“What about the rest of you?” Biden said.

Romney reportedly looked at them with a coaxing smile. Most hands sprang up; a few lifted hesitantly. But in unanimous accord they parroted Romney’s words, condemning Donald Trump and applauding Joe Biden.

Biden adjourned the discussion after saying he expected them to “exert influence” on Senate partners and instructed them not to disclose particulars of the meeting unless later authorized to do so.

“Remember what we talked about here today: Covid-19,” Biden said.


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