50 Shades of Bland

So I went to a press screening of Fifty Shades Freed, the third installment in the Fifty Shades erotic romance saga last night with my movie reviewer friend.  It’s been our pre-Valentine’s Day date  for the past three years.

Now maybe it’s that we’ve had a year of living in Trumpland and that’s just dulled our reactions to everything, or that it was a cold and rainy night, or that anything to do with BDSM has become yesterday’s thrill, but that movie was just tepid.  Sure, I got a few nice shots of Jamie Dornan’s well proportioned ass, and there were multiple visits to the red room of pain, even one that involved glimpses of stainless steel butt plugs, but it was spectacularly forgettable, as was the music, and the acting by so many really amazing cast members (why did they even bother to hire Marsha Gay Harden and Rita Ora).

And they know it because before we get to the end credits there’s actually a montage of the greatest hits form the previous movies set to a remix of the theme song from the first movie to remind you that this was once something that anyone cared about, or that millions of women throughout the world were obsessed with.

It was like a bad Hallmark movie, or the last installment of one of those made-for-TV movies from the late 70′s and 80′s where something that should have been two hours is stretched out to six.

The one truly amusing part of the film for me was the portrayal of Ana’s publishing job.  There are manuscripts piled high on her desk (we ALL read digitally now – that is so 1990′s).  The first novel she’s acquired has a print run order of 200,000 (also so 1990′s). But, hey, I have to remember that this is fantasy!

But I am glad I saw it.  I’m a completest that way.

If you’re a real sucker for the this kind of thing, I hear some of the Alamo Draft houses are offering a Fifty Shades three-movie marathon tonight (my local one in Yonkers starts at 6:00.)  Enjoy!