Parade of the Gaijin

There are so many things that I love about Japan. Dan and I lived here at a very formative time in our lives and it played a huge role in developing us into the adults that we are today. I can close my eyes and see some of the things that are dearest to my heart, whether that be individual people, the bamboo and cedar covered mountains, or my favorite foods. A part of me is truly Japanese in many ways and we are so blessed and excited to be back here this month.

However, today was a stark reminder of the other side of what my Japanese life was really like. We needed to do some grocery shopping, so we headed to Aeon. On a Sunday afternoon. Ooooiiiii. I think half the city of Kessenuma was there. It was SO crowded. That in and of itself rarely bothers me, but today was a bit much for me. I felt like I was leading my family with pasty white skin, big blue and green eyes, and “tall” noses through the store for everyone to gawk at and practice their beginner English phrases.

Alright, so perhaps that is a bit harsh. They really can’t help noticing us, as we are four gaijin (including two young children) wandering around the inaka (countryside). And that’s WHY our mission will make a greater impact. But there are days that this affects me more strongly than others, and unfortunately today was “a day.” It makes me wonder if the apostles ever felt that way as they spread out and shared the gospel in foreign lands. Perhaps more so, as they were frequently facing imprisonment or death for doing God’s work. So my little bout of selfishness really looks petty in the grand scheme of God’s plan.

These feelings, however, were exacerbated by the fact that Kai was absolutely refusing to even look at anyone who tried to talk to him (his “Don’t talk to strangers” lesson maybe sunk in a little too deeply), my Japanese language skills took a nosedive this weekend, and Dan (whom I love very, very much) was back to the cool Japanese speaking, magic performing gaijin status, making friends with anyone who came within 10 feet of him. It’s horrible to feel jealous of your own spouse…and I struggled with that for four years when we lived here the first time!

But I do think that God created us with feelings for a reason and today I felt… well, I felt frustrated. I felt out of control of the situation, I felt homesick, and I felt different. “In the country but not of the country” of sorts, I suppose. Up until today, I had only seen glimmers of these emotions that I remember from before, and perhaps a part of me hoped that because this trip is so short, I’d be excited and in the honeymoon phase of traveling, that somehow these things wouldn’t bother me. But today they did, which was very disheartening, particularly since we’re only one of five weeks into our mission!

As a new alien in a foreign land 6 1/2 years ago, I learned to identify with heaven being our true home. The discomfort we feel on earth is always going to burden us on some level until we can say our final “tadaima” and embrace our Savior in the land where tears and pain are absent. Going back to America won’t be THAT good (I still have bills to pay and cleaning to do… two things that will DEFINITELY not be on the agenda in heaven!), but I do look forward to sleeping in my own bed, doing laundry for pennies in my own basement, and being able to go grocery shopping in anonymity!

Until that return, though, I need to re-learn how to seize the opportunity of being such a rarity here. An extra dose of patience will be needed some days, but I pray that God use ME, with my own talents and varying skill levels, to do His work and to help me close my cynical eyes and keep breathing because my time here is short.

Lord, help me. Amen.Parade of the Gaijin

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