ADVICE TO MY SON 16: THE FOES OF FRIENDSHIP I

Many of the great movements in history have been propelled forward by a group of male friends. The close bonds between Alexander and his generals gave them the courage, flexibility, and coordination to conquer the world. In our own country, the friendship (often a troubled one) between Jefferson and Adams drove forward America’s successful bid for freedom. William Wilberforce and his friends spurred each other on to the huge task of ending the slave trade, even as Martin Luther King Jr. and his friends were the catalyst for the triumph of civil rights.

The literary friendships of Wordsworth and Coleridge, Hemingway and Fitzgerald, and Tolkien and Lewis, helped initiate, respectively, romanticism, the best jazz age literature, and a renewal in the waning reputation of fairy tales and children’s literature. Jesus himself sent out his disciples in groups of two, and Paul traveled first with Barnabas and later with Silas.

My son, if you would make a difference for good in this world, you can’t stand alone. You need friends, specifically male friends, who can both encourage and keep you accountable. But beware, there are two forces in our modern society—one from within; the other from without—that are destructive of such friendships. I will discuss the first threat here and save the second for the next entry.

The internal threat comes from the aggressive movement to pull homosexuality out of the closet and into the mainstream. Because of this concerted, militant crusade to normalize homosexual behavior, all close, intimate heterosexual friendships between men have become suspect. It is a sad thing to say, but many America men today will resist getting too close to their male friends lest they be labeled as gay by society.

As you’ve heard me say on many occasions, I thank God that The Lord of the Rings films were made in New Zealand. The emotional and even moral core of those wonderful films (and of the novels on which they are based) is the loving friendship between Frodo and Sam. Had the films been made in America, that special, strength-giving friendship would have been severely curtailed lest moviegoers leave the theater with the impression that Sam and Frodo are lovers.

The American male hesitation to draw close, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, to other men is a recent phenomenon that does not exist in other parts of the world. Men in Africa, Latin America, the Middle East, and Southern Europe are not plagued by fears that their masculinity will be called into question if they embrace and kiss or exchange deep feelings and emotions.

Indeed, one of the major ways that men come to understand the nature and boundaries of their masculinity is by interacting physically, even to the point of rolling on the ground together or wrestling or smacking each other on the backside. In the majority of cultures, men dance and sing and laugh and cry together, not because they are closet homosexuals, but because they are friends and because their masculinity is strengthened, rather than diminished, by such bonding.

Remember David and Jonathan, my son, and take joy and pride in your male friendships.