ADVICE TO MY SON 18: FAMILY

I asked your mother the other day what topic she thought I should devote an entry to. She suggested I write about the importance of family and of maintaining family connections across distances of time and space. Because I think this is a vital topic—and because I think it is generally a good idea to heed wifely advice—I will discuss it here.

The family is the first and oldest institution. In fact, the marriage of Adam and Eve, by which they became one flesh, predates the Fall. No state or government created the family; to the contrary, the family, as Aristotle knew, was the model for both.

The family is the one true training ground for good citizenship. To grow up within a well-functioning family is to learn the importance of oaths and covenants as they are related to specific roles and relationships. The family does not create those roles; rather, it helps us to define and put into practice our God-given identities as husband, wife, father, mother, brother, and sister. Yes, the exact nature of those roles and identities will shift somewhat from culture to culture, but they nevertheless find their ultimate source in God.

Within the family, we come to know ourselves and to understand our responsibilities and our freedoms, our duties and our prerogatives. Only once we have learned such things and have linked them to our individual roles and identities can we function effectively in our families, our communities, our places of business, our churches, our schools, our states, and our countries.

If we never learn to honor our father and mother, we will have a hard time honoring our elders, our preachers, our bosses, and our government leaders. If we cannot get along with our siblings, we will have a hard time building lasting relationships with our friends. People who grow up in broken homes are more likely to divorce their spouse because they have not seen a proper working relationship between a husband and a wife modeled in their home.

Thankfully, my son, you have grown up in a stable family where tensions and disagreements were worked out mutually: with or without some melodramatic shouting! You have seen first hand how strong, loving bonds between spouses, siblings, and parents and children equip family members with a firm self-identity that, far from isolating them from society, gives them the confidence and stability to engage the world around them. Only when you know who you are, my son, can you truly embrace, and learn from, people whose cultures differ from your own.

This grounding you have been provided with, but it is a grounding that must be carefully maintained by continued communication. The spouses will always need to learn new ways to express their love; the children will always need new infusions of advice from their parents; the siblings will always need to affirm each other’s value and specialness. Don’t let a month go by without some form of communication, even if it is brief. Though Christ is the One True Vine from which the branches get their nourishment, the family too is a vine to which we should strive ever to remain connected.