ADVICE TO MY DAUGHTER 1: EASIER AND HARDER

My daughter, you were born into a time and a culture where it is both easier and harder to be a girl. The reason why it is easier is pretty obvious. Over the last fifty years, girls and women have had innumerable doors thrown open to them that were not open before. You can pursue whatever major or career you would like without anyone saying, “Girls can’t do that.”

These exciting new opportunities, however, have brought with them difficulties and dangers. The same forces that have set girls free to pursue any and every dream and ambition have led to high levels of stress and uncertainty. While some girls have felt liberated by the throwing open of the doors, many others have felt pressured and intimidated by the increased, if not militant, social expectations that have come with it.

Whereas it is true that women in the 1950’s who put career over family faced some scorn, women today who choose to devote their full time and energy to the raising of their children are often met with greater scorn. Worse yet, career women today are often expected to suppress their God-given feminine traits and conduct themselves as if they were men.

Luckily for you, my Texas daughter, these pressures tend to be less strong in the south. There is, in general, a greater recognition of and respect for femininity south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Still, if you want to survive and thrive in the modern world, you need to be something of a juggler. First, you need to be a good student and worker while also being a good wife and mother. Second, you need to be aware that society (especially other women) will judge you for the way you handle yourself as both a student/worker and a wife/mother while yet refusing to be defined solely by society’s judgments. Third, you need to strive for personal success and recognition while putting your family’s well being over your own.

Here is some advice for how to keep those balls in the air without falling flat on your face. First, think of all areas of your life in terms of service and relationship. Whether the person you are “serving” is a teacher, employer, husband, or child, be sure to think of them as a person. Don’t allow your work, whatever that work may be, to become abstract and detached. If you keep all your duties and responsibilities within a human realm, it will help keep you more human.

Second, you have to accept that, as a woman, you are going to feel the pressure and weight of social expectations with far greater intensity than your male counterparts. Don’t waste time and energy complaining that your brother or husband or father seems totally unconcerned as to what people think about him. Once you accept your susceptibility to these pressures, however, you need to foster a sense of yourself apart from them. As long as there is a “you” apart from the pressures, you can dialogue with them rather than be crushed by them.

Third, don’t compartmentalize work and family. Allow your growth as a student and employee to make you a fuller and richer person, and thus a more effective wife and mother. And then don’t be afraid to carry the wisdom you have gained as a wife and mother into the workplace.