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The key to true repentance could be watching more TV, not less…

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The key to true repentance could be watching more TV, not less.


The average American watches about 3 hours of TV a day. Thankfully most Christians are average (you would not want to be below average, would you?). What is so important about watching TV? Glad you asked. FYI: It must be important. Why else would millions of people voluntarily do the exact same thing for the amount of time equal to a part time job if it wasn’t important?

Cultural Relevance: We as awkward, repressed, narrow minded Christians don’t know how to fit into the culture. How can we expect people to be like Jesus if we are not like them? We are always just a few steps behind the world. Perhaps TV can help close the gap.

Everything pertaining to life: We as awkward, repressed, narrow minded, ignorant Christians don’t know how to live? We would miss out on so much that life has to offer if we didn’t have TV to shine a light on the broad road that is right in front of us.

The Science of Mental Health: How can we ever hope to help our fellow humans work through their problems if we don’t understand the latest and ever changing theories on human behavior? TV is the best and easiest way to keep up or shut up. No one wants to look foolish by telling someone that they are bad people by nature. How would we know to tell them that they are at best, good people who have issues and at worst, good people who sometimes do bad things. They need to forgive themselves and move on. But we would not know this without the doctrines of TV.

Acceptance of others: TV helps us to understand that people with different lifestyles and the various problems that they face need acceptance and understanding of rather than condemnation of their life choices and activities before they can experience true self love and self-esteem. For how can we expect them to love others if they are in any way made to feel any guilt or shame about themselves.

Who to hate: TV helps us to understand that it is ok to hate Trump supporters, white males, Homophobes, mis-genderers, and yourself if you are any of these (shame on you).

Culturally relevant sermon illustrations: Like when Ross wants to get back together with Rachel so they can have some more good old fashioned premarital sex, but he keeps messing it up. Sometimes we get in the way of getting what we want from God.

Staying busy: with the above. It’s like Sesame Street for all ages. TV instructs as it entertains.

Amusement: People need to put their brain in neutral and coast awhile after a hard day at work.

Avoidance of sin: More watching = less sinning. If you are busy watching TV, you are too busy to sin. The key to true repentance could be watching more TV, not less.

What would we do if we didn’t watch TV: I really don’t know. Probably boring stuff like reading and playing hand bells. Who would want to be like us.

Be all thing to all men: Self-explanatory (Duh).

What to buy: There is that rule or law that everyone knows about that says you can’t lie on TV. If a commercial says a product is the best, you can rest assured that it truly is. This is good stewardship.

The wise Transcendent Zen of TV: One need not search for happiness for one is truly happy when watching TV.

TV lets us know what the majority thinks: So we can go along to get along (the Solomon Asch effect).

TV help us identify social deviants:

Toxic, masculine (redundant) males.

Home schoolers.

low information, republican (redundant) voters.

People who take the Bible literally.

TV teaches everything: What to think, feel and believe. How to behave. What is true and what is false.

Quality time with the family.

Promotes like mindedness.


(Rule of thumb: If there is no skin, there is no sin)


See also: /religion/2023/03/christians-doing-the-least-with-the-most-2568508.html


Stay tuned for:

  • Ephesians 2:10: Does going to work every day count towards my quota of good works?

Author’s email:  [email protected]


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