My friend works in the FAA, and he just sent me over a transcript of the conversation between the pilot, law enforcement, co-pilot, and stewardess. I am very surprised by this. I do believe the claims of white males being extra racist and sexist are a bit overblown…..but it does appear that in this case United knowingly hired a racist pilot and actually encourages other pilots to be racist!
Warning: Reader discretion advised. Vulgar and racist language.
Transcript begins:10:39 into black box recording…
Transcript ends: 15:34 into recording
Total runtime: 5 minutes, + or – 5 seconds
Begining transcript of black box recording at 10:39:42…
Stewardess: Captain, it appears that our computers malfunctioned and we are overbooked and need to kick some people off to make room.
Stewardness: No, just kidding!
Captain: Well too late, it stinks like minorities on board…lets just pretend what you told me was true.
Captain: Hand me the confidential protocol booklet so we can go over United’s rules and guidelines for what minority we should throw off. We need to do this by the book….the worst races and ethnicities are ordered to be removed first, followed by less attrocious minorities in corresponding order….we need to do a checklist…co-pilot get ready, you have to not nap for a few minutes…then you can go back to sleep.
Captain -if United realizes we are lying, and that I threw a minority off for no reason then I might get a raise….I prefer stealing minority luggage…if my wife sees I get a raise she might ask for more money….fuck that, I prefer to hoard, she might stop putting out if she can buy her own food.
Stewardess: Here you go captain..
Captain: Ok co-pilot begin checklist for overbooking protocol..
Captain: Anyone named Muhammad or that has a muslimy sounding voice or is wearing a muslimy-looking hat….fez included?
Stewardess: No sir, thank god!
Captain: Hmm…next I thought it was black people, but it appears there has been a suspension on forcibly removing black people from the plane….wait what!!….even black muslims! Damn Black Lives Matter is going to get us killed!
Captain- Next it says anyone you suspect to be mexican or mexicanny….hmm…I have a pretty good sense of smell. We might have some fully white caucasian hispanics….but I know for a fact we have nobody tainted with aztec, mayan, or incan brown blood. White Hispanics get pass today, they can thank George Zimmerman for leniency.
Co-pilot – Duly noted and check.
Captain: Hmm next it just says non muslim asians should go….it says to use your own discretion. It advises that Japanese should get preferential treatment but understands if you are still personally upset about Pearl Harbor.
Captain: Wait wait..!….Interesting, a few months ago it was amended to say chinese-looking people are most likely to be communist spies and should be removed first…..Trump really knows the dangers this country faces! Ahead of his time! Global warming….pshhh…good way to limit our industry….CHINESE SCUM!
Captain: It says that you can tell someone is chinese over japanese or other asians because japanese have more elongated skulls….vietnamese sound more annoying…koreans have fat faces…says to use process of elimination….says the chinese have more “angs” and ”ongs”…if you can ryhme “long” with at least 2 words they say in sentence….then it says you know you are dealing with a communist spy.
Captain: Man, this liberal diversity crap United is shoving down our throats is a bitch here….I want to go back to good old days where we just referred to half the world’s population as chinaman.
Co-pilot: Captain, it appears there are some on board…..I believe I heard some yellowy looking fellow say ding dong or hong kong earlier? Him?
Captain: Lets think about this….We need to find one with biggest eyes and that is most likely to be chinese…Use the asian person identifier checklist here and go do some research chick…..this could be between life and death…think smart, but your a female so just do your best. If the chinese person that stays onboard is the only concious person on board after a disaster, and he has to land plane….the chinese person with most open eyes is most likely to do this…any extra amount of squint is difference between a bad landing and a catostrophic landing with all dead onboard.
Captain: Oh, and chick..I mean…bitch…
Stewardess: Yes, and the name is Melissa
Captain: Dont need to know your name, I just refer to you stewardess whore #11. Anywhos…about the other 3 passengers to remove.. I know it hurts us to do so, but for every minority we remove we must remove 3 white people…I know I know….but we have to or the media or government will discover that all airlines are conspiring together to target minorities.
Captain: Its ok, I’m glad you care about other whites, if you wern’t a woman I would give you a raise so you make just as much as the worst white male flight attendants….rules are rules though, it states in United airlines mission statement that females have to make under 25% of what any male makes…
Stewardess: I wasnt crying about that…
Captain: Ok….well then how does 50% of what a male makes sound? Thats what I thought, pretend to like it tonight when I use your body and I might consider not talking to our boss to reduce your wage..
Captain: Anyways, Just try to find out if anyone who is homosexual or has black friends or something…..it will hurt me much less knowing I threw a traiter to our whiteness off. Just keep the hate on the D.L., or Ill let the co-pilot use your hole and defile your body tonight too. Your lucky that you only get raped once per flight…get in line or I’ll cut a hole in the bathroom door and let people use you as a sex toy and a toilette…..not just a urinal either, you better not eat anything if your going to be a dumb bitch today!
**Silence and fapping sound for couple minutes**
Stewardess: It appears he is a doctor, don’t we want that on board incase of emergency?
Captain: Excuse me you slut? Shut your mouth woman! It states right here the other main reason Chinese should be removed. United Airlines has determined asians to be bad at driving and believe there is a causal connection between bad driving and bad flying.
Co-pilot – Why would he fly? Check
Captain: I told you already idiot, scroll up a few parts in this fake news article.
Stewardess: He is a doctor though, he is smart….there might be a medical emergency on board, he can be useful.
Captain: Don’t make me warn you again with that tone woman….I’m not going to risk all my passengers dying because one person might be medically helped by a communist chinaman. I’ve made my decision!
Captain: Alright then prepare for liftoff, don’t worry about other checklist I’ve done too much work already….ohh who is that coming in…the boys in blue! How are you!?
Police: Hello captain, the usual? Blackest or most muslimmy person onboard?
Captain: There has been a temporary ban on discriminating against blacks….
Police: OUTRAGEOUS….I was looking forward to unleashing my inner aggression on a black person today….just to show them who’s boss. Shucks, all well! Ok, what mussy has the highest turban or largest burka…where they at?!
Captain: Cannot identify any unfortunately…
Police: Damn Trump is already kicking ass! Who do I remove then? The mexican dope smugglers?
Captain: No, I was offered lots of money to help insure the transit of narcotics into some cities. I do it for free though, but the cartels have to agree that the drugs are only dispersed in black or mexican neighborhoods….helps me sleep at night! They dont let me know what hispanics are carrying…..but thats probably because its all of them….some are rapists though, but I have respect for that.
Police: I should arrest you, but being a police officer I sympathize and understand that…..Who then….fat people? Trans person?
Captain: Trans?! The chances of seeing a Trans is like a million to one…In your dreams! The chinese spy with the ching chang chong-looking face…
Police – An asian! THIS ISN’T EVEN A CHALLENGE! Asian males are the most docile people to oppress….This isnt even fun!
Captain – And he is a doctor…
Police – WHAT? You have to be kidding me! Its going to be so hard to bludgeon this asian man since he will give me no resistance what so ever…..Ill try to make it so I hit his head on an arm rest while I drag him down the aisle for being nervous so it looks like he is resisting and the wound I gave him was accident…..I just hope I draw some blood! Its bullshit because even if I wound him pretty good, he will be able to patch himself up and I wont get a kickback from hospital…
Captain - Try to get a hit in there for me! I dream of a day when you get the opportunity to shoot a minority on my plane….I can dream, cant I?
Police – Maybe someday…headquarters is only allowing us to kill 2 minorities a week now….although we are still allowed to ”investigate” 5 minority suicides a week. That’s only seven things to look foward to every week….Only one per day, I can barely get through the day without the excitement of taking another man’s life just because..
Captain: Thanks officer, your an american hero…..God bless our police…If you were a military man, I would make this stewardess whore let you put it in her butt….oral sex will have to do….
Police: I’m good, I just planted drugs on 2 women on the ride over and pressured them into sex…..One was not a good lay so she went to jail for a longtime….I mean she was black so she was going to jail anyways, but that shitty lay made the difference between a planted ounce and a kilo….I hate it when rape victims make it feel like your raping them….it totally ruins it for me! Bye….Don’t look at me like that your filthy whore…I have a wife…you fucking disgust me….Put your stewardess on a leach captain jeez…
Captain – ….MATE!
Co-pilot – Check
Captain – Your no fun…Alright…. ALL ABOARD!!!
Stewardess: Captain, that is a train conductor…your a pilot
Captain: My dicks a pilot! On your knees or your fired!
**Muffled gagging and watery sounds for about 2 minutes**
Co-pilot – Check
**More gagging for 3 minutes**
**COMMOTION COMING FROM PASSENGER AREA IN BACKGROUND**
Captain – Ohhh yea that hit the spot…
Zipper noise followed by slapping noise and some crying noise from stewardess
Black box transcript turned off due to operater being appalled that black people and airline crashes could be associated so blatantly….
I am appalled! I never thought the rumors of widespread hate by white males in workplace toward women and minorities were true….United airlines is totally complicit and I just ordered a visa credit card with United rewards….I hope they continue this policy, I need to witness it in person so I can better understand how priveledged I am to be white, blind, addicted to drugs, homeless, and schizophrenic….Biggest injustic I ever faced was priest rape, but not that big of a deal because I have stockholm syndrome and actually miss him. I would blow my brains out I was a few shades darker or if I got too much of a tan.
So…just pretty good….or satirical masterpiece? I have a feeling it will piss off most self identifying liberals and self identifying conservatives. This is a sign of a literary piece that’s ahead of its time. Let me know if you think I’m evil and whether your a conservative or liberal……If you were offended by something else personally let me know…I am trying to determine where the line is so I can cross it as much as I can without making people cry….
I’m aiming for more laughs than anger…is laugh or thought provocation occurs more than disgust, rage, hate…then I know I wrote something I could live with…but crying is not cool so let me know if you shed a tear…If you think its funny please let me know if its just because you like the racial slurs, because that’s not what I’m aiming for but rather the depiction of what people think of eachother in this political culture right now.
.if your Asian, sorry to offend…if your Chinese its not against you but rather the complex social situation within our country and the absurdity of what is classified as the most important issues and national debates…..please don’t take it the wrong way. I like China, I actually hoipe China becomes leader of free world if your leaders are chill…..your population is much more logical and you have way more potential as long as you end up having right leaders in power…..Peace.
ONE LOVE- Jeffnasty
Bwahahaha that was funny as hell !!!!